I like that you put this front and center. My DS is (I think) cis/het but he’s big into theater and singing, so very aware and an ally to the queer community. Also, the UMD commitment to all kinds of diversity has been very obvious to me in my visits across a decade and three kids (and a sister). The African American tour guide made a point of knowing about the Hillel for example, and talked about UMD being ranked the top school in some additional kind of diversity (I forgot which).
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Some Qs about your calculations. How is UMich higher than 90k? Tuition and room and board do not come to that number.
And is your state flagship 15k with room and board? Just looking at this exercise with apples to apples to do the argument justice. Are you including travel costs?
There is a hugely significant difference in cost for sure but I don’t think it’s $360.
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This is one of the reasons my son applied to UMD. I did a deep dive into this topic while researching schools. UMD is a beacon in this area for sure.
I’m glad to hear this perspective from an alum!
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My son is also a theater kid (stage manager)!
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Oh, sorry if I implied that UMich was $90k. Northwestern and her ED school are both around $90k.
I believe UMich was about $80k and was the highest public coa.
Her in state coa was $15k (she got an auto merit).
Fat fingered on a cell phone - difference would be $340k between state school and ED school or close enough to not matter. Especially after 4 more years of cost increases.
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15k including room and board? Thats very cheap.
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I prefer “value” rather than cheap. But yes, it is a very compelling deal.
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My daughter’s final choice will (fingers crossed) come in around 19k a year total cost of attendance (or maybe 23k). Her cheapest instate public option is 18k/yr.
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Yes- that’s a much better word than cheap- you’re right!! 
. It’s a very good value.
Those are great numbers! Does it include room and board? From CA this just amazes me as room and board alone costs that much here.
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This has been a consideration for us. S25 could attend several schools for $0 COA due to National Merit, but I can’t imagine him thriving at any of them. With his ADHD and social anxiety, I fear he would spend all of his time hiding in his room and not asking for help when he needs it. I think in four years he will be a different person/student and will develop his prefrontal cortex significantly. But right now I think he needs the guardrails of a small school, which makes the significant cost of Rose-Hulman (right now around $60K COA) worth it. I hope we’re right, but there’s no crystal ball to know for sure.
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My son goes to syra cuse and the room and board is pricey there so we very much know! But yes, those are total COA (T/R/B). My daughter was looking at schools most people haven’t heard of. She did not care about national popularity or rankings when choosing a school. Both cared more about individual programs and having options within a college. Both ended up wanting a traditional campus with school spirit. S23 just wanted the big intense college experience with frat life while D25 decided she wanted more of a medium spicy school in a safe area. 
T 10 R/B 9
T 15 R/B 12
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I applaud your daughter for having the foresight to look beyond the name brand. Finding the right fit school and tuning out hype takes maturity!
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It helps that name recognition and rankings just are not a thing at all in my kids high school. We do have 1 kid going to Harvard this year and another going to Wash U (may be a couple more but not sure yet). Parents here are very budget conscious and many kids go in state. Only about 70% of our graduates go to college.
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I feel like this is a mantra for many things going forward, tbh. Really, what can we (or our kids) do but make the best decision we can with the data that we have at the time. And then hope that it’s right, but right or not, take that decision and adapt or change as needed.
I once read a horribly depressing book about a parent watching their child die of cancer. Why I picked this book up, I’ll never know. But one of the things I took from it was that the parents tried several different ways of fighting the disease and they learned that after the fact they just couldn’t second guess decisions and choices they made. They had to give themselves the grace to say “I did the best I could with the information I had” and to let the decision point go. To not wish it could’ve been different or to regret the choice, but to learn from it, if learning could happen, and then to focus on the future and whatever came next.
I’m a person who really struggles sometimes with having too many options, or worrying that I just don’t know ALLLL the information and maybe there’s some other vital tidbit out there that will be * THE * deciding factor that makes a difference. But I’m working on just knowing when to stop perseverating and to just make a decision and move forward.
And I feel like that’s going to be really relevant here - all I can do is give my kid the best data I’ve got at the time, and let him make the choice, and then go from there.
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I just read that Gene Hackman (rip) was asked how he would like to be remembered and his response was “he tried.” I think that’s the best we can hope for, none of us will get everything completely right, we can just do our best.
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Our high school is similar, about 75% of grads to college. Very few of the graduates from our high poverty district are going to top colleges. I don’t think it’s the parents of the school that are adding the pressure. In my daughter’s case, she says she’s worried about going to a college where the students aren’t engaged. She doesn’t want it to feel like high school 2.0. And she has the impression that you don’t get that level of engagement at the less selective colleges. I don’t think that’s necessarily true, but she doesn’t believe me. I’m hoping accepted student events will help her see things differently. I wish she were as open-minded as your D, who has the perfect attitude about college.
I think honor’s colleges at state schools fill this gap perfectly. And honestly, it depends so much on your major. Certain majors are going to attract very engaged students.
At my kids’ school, most of the tippy top of the class, who graduate with I.B. diplomas and 4.0s, end up in the honor’s college at our local public university and thrive there. For the most part, in our cohort, the only kids who go to highly selective private schools are the ones who are either so wealthy they don’t consider value at all when making the decision (e.g. $1M a year income) or are making below $150K and get great financial aid. It just really doesn’t make sense otherwise. For the majority of people in the $200 - $1M a year income bracket, the schools that are in the 25-50% acceptance range and that provide significant merit aid are really the sweet spot that makes sense financially (or the local state school).
Also, it shouldn’t cost a family $200k-$300k for a kid to learn to change their attitude about selectivity and engagement. The reality is that where you go to undergrad really doesn’t matter (unless you are a black male subject to systemic racism), so there is no reason to pay an extra $200-$300k because something thinks they might have slightly more engaged classmates.
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I feel like this is the story of our life right now. Everything is so uncertain and there are no guarantees in life. We are neck deep in this lesson right now. The break up drama has continued to swirl to the point that we had to get my son in with his psychiatrist this week. So much learning and growth comes from mistakes/disappointments/uncertainties. If they get to a college and it was the wrong choice, there is some valuable (albeit painful) lesson to be learned. It’s just hard as parents since we want the best for them.
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I can’t agree more! She has been accepted to our state honor’s college. But like at your school, a lot of the top students attend, which, naturally, is why she’s no longer interested. It’s so frustrating! I’m hoping she’ll decide to go to an accepted student day or even go visit one of the people we know who is currently a first year. I know they’d let her stay the night in their dorm and go to class. I think that would help. The RD round might bump the college up a notch anyway.
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