parents, please help me deal with mine!

Rileydog · September 3, 2006, 12:26am

I like the idea of taking a schedule with the hours of the day/week and penciling in, for your parents, and yourself, every time commitment you have during the day/week. Don’t forget to include things like eating, showering, traveling to school, etc. Visually, it is will be very helpful to your parents to see the overcrowd. For you, it could help you identify some creative scheduling options or opportunities. Be honest about how long you need to spend on each subject.

If you crave some time on the computer with your friends, try to do it after you complete your homework if that is possible. Parents typically do not react positively to IMing while doing homework (smile) -

Rileydog · September 3, 2006, 12:39am

j07 - you have great credentials! It sounds like you should really talk with your parents about the job. You can always earn money during the summers if it is primarily savings for college. Good luck! Take care of yourself!

calmom · September 3, 2006, 1:57am

You are mistaken. The most important thing you will need at an Ivy League or equivalent college is to know how to organize your time and your schedule, how to prioritize, and how to create a good balance between your academic life and your other activities and social life. You may have the impression that the Ivies are all full of super-achievers and that you need to have a huge load of ECs on top of academics to get into that world… but that simply isn’t the case.

My daughter took on a job last fall and was working weekends, getting stressed out, and she had the good sense to quit. I know she could use the money, but it ended up that she didn’t work for the rest of the year, and then was able to get a very good job over the summer, so she ended up making good money anyway. In any case, if you earn too much it becomes counterproductive as far as financial aid, because your earnings & savings just cut into the amount of aid you can receive. My son took time off from school and worked for 3 years, and I am proud of him for his hard work – but the end result is that because of his earnings and savings he is not eligible to receive any aid at all this year, while his sister (the one who quit her job) is eligible for so much more.

Also, your earnings for 2006 will go to reduce your aid for the 2007-2008 school year, whereas your earnings in 2007 won’t get counted until the 2008-2009 school year – so it makes sense to defer income until after the first of the year. For example, to keep the job but cut back hours, planning to increase them again sometime in the spring once you are past some of the more demanding things in your schedule of ECs and don’t have to worry about college apps.

The biggest barrier to your long term productivity is stress. Last year, in January, my daughter felt like she was under too much stress at school – I told her to talk to our family doctor and get a note, and then take it to her teachers and try to get her schedule changes or relieved of some of the stress-inducing assignments. I know to you that probably sounds like a cop-out… but when my daughter attends her first college class on Tuesday, it will be at Columbia University… and the one thing I know is that she will be able to handle herself there because she knows when to cut back. If the class load gets to difficult, she will know to cut back on some of her out-of-class activities. [My daughter attends Barnard, but half her classes for fall semester are at Columbia]

My daughter is also able to delegate – when she is too busy, she knows that she is NOT irreplaceable but that many of her commitments can be handled by somene else. She has an active social life and many good friends, so it is not hard to for her to find others who will pitch in and help.

I hate to say it, but I think your parents have very reasonable expectations of you - its not like they are insisting that you scrub out the toilet or paint the house. You are a member of the household and do have some responsibilities that come with it. Those are just as important as your outside activities. I think it is wrong for your mom to keep nagging and yelling - it would be better if you and she could sit down and she could spell out her expectations as to your responsibilities, and then let you take charge of figuring out how to get it all done. But if you cannot find the time to fold your laundry or straighten your room, then that means simply that you are overscheduled and you need to cut back. You need to make rest and basic self-care (including cleaning up after yourself) a priority in your life.

And again… that is what the successful kids at Ivies are able to do. My daughter, like Citygirlsmom’s daughter, settled in with a clean-on-Sundays approach – her room was a total mess by Saturday night, but on Sunday night everything was put away and of the floor.

The problem that you are expressing isn’t your parents, it is your own perfectionism … and in the long run that will be your undoing because you will end up making yourself ill, and you can’t get much done when you are sick. The stress level also undermines your abililities in all areas: you will find it harder to learn, and tend to make more mistakes, meaning more work will have to be redone, if you are under too much stress and are not getting enough rest. Folding laundry and minor housekeeping chores are the kind of mindless activities that can be somewhat relaxing if you have the right attitude – so you will actually benefit by making a point of taking a 10 minute study break from time to time and using that time to attend to the little stuff.

menloparkmom · September 3, 2006, 1:59am

j07- LISTEN to Northstarmom - “Quit your job. Stop driving yourself crazy with that extra burden. Concentrate on your college applications, including doing careful ones to colleges that are likely to give you generous financial aid and/or merit aid.”
She interviews students applying to one of the top colleges in the US, and she knows what she is talking about! Give yourself a chance to enjoy your Sr year a little bit- you will get more acceptances, based on your stats, EC’s , SAT.s than you will know what to do with.

cheers · September 3, 2006, 4:17am

Are you sure that earning lots of money before college is economically mart? Are you applying for FinAid? Would you get more FinAid if you had less savings? Perhaps you should PM curmudgeon to go over how your earnings impact your FinAid options.

I’m with menlo and others woho suggest you drop the job. I worked all kinds of jobs when I was a kid. What a giant waste of time for very little money. You have precious few years to get a meaningful education. Spend the time wisely.

toneranger · September 3, 2006, 9:36am

You sound stressed. And it doesn’t sound like your parents are being unreasonable. It’s not fair to think that they should free you of your family responsibilities. But you’re clearly overloaded. One more vote for dropping the job (or at least signficantly reducing hours worked). Regarding $, there are plenty of good schools that will give merit or need based scholarships to students like you. You need to find time to find good college matches and to begin planning your approach to applications. Plus, you need time in your schedule for stress relief. My son listens to music or plays the guitar to blow off steam - even 15 minutes make a difference.

marite · September 3, 2006, 9:56am

I do think the parents are unreasonable insofar as they do not understand the concept of downtime, the stress of both studying and working and piling on chores on top of that. 
The chores are not just keeping the OP’s room tidy or doing laundry. It’s helping little sibling with homework, ferrying sibling to activities etc… Then yelling at OP to go to bed; nagging OP to practice, etc…All this nagging is at cross-purpose.

I agree with other posters that working to save money for college may be counterproductive insofar as savings will be counted among assets. So cutting down drastically on work would be a good idea. It’s not being a quitter, it’s being realistic about financial issues.

The OP is getting too little sleep. Perhaps a good night’s sleep is impossible, given the schedule, but short naps during the day would be helpful; if that is not possible, some downtime would, too.

The OP sounds extremely responsible and well organized. I suggest sitting down with parents and go over the schedule and suggest times that should be reserved for relaxation.

The credentials sound stellar, too. I’m confident that the OP will get into some top colleges with good financial aid. Good luck!

LWMD · September 3, 2006, 10:17am

Here’s another vote to quit the job. Perhaps if you quit your job, you wouldn’t have to change ay of your ECs. But I also agree that if you have to change your ECs, drop the things that are the least attractive to adcoms.

I’m a parent of a recent diploma grad and I know just how demanding your academic schedule is. You seem to have every minute filled and you haven’t even mentioned where you are going to find the time to write your EE. (My daughter hoped that between her 6 on the HL exam and her A on her EE that she could leverage her way out of her English requirement at college completely. It didn’t work – she gets credit for one semester of English, but gets to take an upper level class that she wants to take rather than one she “has” to take.)

I also agree very much with uscducladad. You are not quitting by giving some things up. My daughter gave up playing lacrosse senior year – she knew she wouldn’t play in college – so she would have time to prepare for her exams senior year. She was in the spring musical instead – something that fit her needs better. She prioritized her time.

As a parent – I tried to close my eyes when I walked past her room.

Marian · September 3, 2006, 10:18am

You’re overcommitted.

My daughter is in an IB diploma program, just as you are. Almost nobody in her program has a job during the school year, although some do work during the summer. Everyone has extracurriculars but not necessarily a huge number of them. The people who are most successful in terms of GPA and their own sanity are those who have only a moderate number of extracurricular activities.

My daughter was involved in instrumental music, a school club, and a sport during the early part of high school. But when she started doing IB in 11th grade, she found it necessary to decrease her participation in extracurricular activities. She chose to drop her sport.

I think you need to drop something, too – probably your job, your swimming, or both.

And don’t worry about being able to cope in college. College is way easier than IB.

conyat · September 3, 2006, 10:52am

What struck me here as important is not what the teachers said specifically, but that the teachers were giving advice about kids’ workloads and parents were paying attention to it.

I think this could work for you. Talk to the teacher you trust the most (or who has a good reputation for working with parents), explain what’s happening, and ask them to help you approach your parents about streamlining somewhere. Your parents obviously value education, and (one hopes) will respect your teacher’s advice.

BTW, I agree with the other posters that it might not to cost-effective to work, at least during the school year; student income and assets hurt need-based aid much worse than parental income and assets do. But if your job reduces stress by giving you a brief escape from all the other pressures, cut back somewhere else.

2331clk · September 3, 2006, 11:15am

I think you are also stressing about college application, since you mentioned you disagree with your parent who thinks you’ll get into every ivy partly because of being Hispanic.

reality check: imo if you don’t get into every ivy (and I think you could), I’ll bet dollars to donuts you’ll get into at least one, that you’ll have a pick of amazing schools. You will be sought after. In your talk to your parents remind them you’re in the top 3% of your class, this with a schedule that gives me a headache just reading about it; your SATs are also incredible, esp the two 800’s.

I suggest at least cutting some hours at the job. Drop the week nights. You stand to be eligible for some serious merit awards at the right schools, or financial aid if you need it.
And you can borrow for school.

You work 2 hours or so each week night? I’d keep the weekends if you must work. Just think how nice it would be to have 2 or 3 precious hours each weeknight.

anxiousmom · September 3, 2006, 11:45am

DROP YOUR JOB!!! Having money in your account and student income on your FAFSA will hurt when it comes to financial aid. Apply to some schools with good merit aid, along with your ivies - and you’ll do fine. Being mature means realizing what your limits are. You are way over the limits, and you are ripe to get mono, burn out and break down. Do yourself a favor and quit your job - and your swimming too, unless you love it. Really.

system · September 3, 2006, 12:06pm

IB is tough…for some people it comes easy to them like a girl ive know since i was little…she has a 95 in the program my old school which is very notorious at my school for being rough…while someothers i know r struggling w/ that and there life it just happens i go to a IB+AP-less school…now…and am happy and looking foward to my ecs and im planning on getting my first job this summer at a camp(The 'rents want me working on my school work during the yr…)im a junior…now…i start school on long island at a sped school on the notorious north shore…i have more time for ecs and school work w/ no working also tho i dont know ur financial situation…tho my parents have enough money to have sent me to sleepaway camp for the last 4 yrs send my big sister n-12 to private school my other k-5 and now me 10-12 and have a nice house

dmd77 · September 3, 2006, 1:28pm

You have four problems, as I see it.

1) you don’t like the necessary chores and would like us to give you carte blanche to stop doing them because you’re busy
2) you like your ECs too much to drop any of them
3) you and your parents are academically driven (AP/IB)
4) you have a job to save for college that takes valuable time

All of this adds up to time management issues. So rearrange things. Work in larger chunks (weekend or two longer evenings) so that transportation time is minimized. Consider dropping swim team so that you can get those precious morning hours back for study. (If you’re competing at a regional or better level, keep that and drop working; it’ll pay off better than working.)

Look carefully at your ECs. More depth in one or two might pay off better in the long run than a large number of ECs.

As for sleeping 6 or so hours, that depends. My husband and son both sleep less than 6 hours most nights. I can’t get by on less than 8. The schedule you describe matches the schedule my son followed during HS–except for the swim team.

Watch your diet extremely carefully, though, as you’re burning an enormous number of calories between the job and the swimming. Resist the temptation to eat a lot of vitamin-depleting junk food. You need proteins! Fruit is great for adding calories with vitamins too, as is whole grain breads and cereals.

As for the chores, tough nuts. Figure out the fastest way to get them done, and just do them. Your bed can look good in seconds with a comforter and a bottom sheet and a pillow (which my kids have done for years, just make sure you wash the comforter regularly!); your laundry can be folded quickly if you just take it out of the dryer into its laundry basket. And a few boxes will go a long way towards making your room look neat even if it’s not really.

And you might want to talk to your coach about working out one day less per week; many people find they get better results with less training.

latetoschool · September 3, 2006, 3:24pm

J07, I agree 100% with everyone who has advised to quit your job or at least significantly drop back the hours you work. If any activity isn’t going to bring you financial, social, psychological, or physical fitness benefit, then, it makes no sense to continue doing it. I cannot see where your job is bringing you any benefit and as a single mother who watches the financial position very carefully I affirm what everyone else says about what the income will do in the fafsa algorithm.

I very strongly DO NOT agree with any recommendation to quit anything else, especially since you enjoy your activities. Someone once told me “if you want something done, and done very well, ask a busy person”. I have always found this to be true; in addition, I believe sports are critical for physical fitness, and that physical fitness is critical to excellent health and long life.

You might want to actually consider adding more weight training to your workouts. I am not sure is the training regime for swimmers, or what your coach would say, but I do know from personal experience - and science documents - that increased weight training will help your body process food more efficiently, your sleep will be deeper and more productive, and you may even require less sleep. Certainly you’ll be far less stressed. It doesn’t require much time - you can add about 30-45 minutes of it three days a week to get the benefits. Of course, your coach may think this could impair performance on the water, so, check first.

DMD77 pulled me out of lurk mode re diet - I couldn’t agree more and this is probably the most valuable piece of information in all of the responses in this thread. My daughter and I typically pull gruesome schedules most of the year; it’s not unusual for me to have several days in a row, weeks on end that begin at 4:00 a.m. and end well after midnight, sometimes with tons of travel in between. I couldn’t do it if I ate poor quality food. Basically, you want to try to eat as many fresh vegetables and fruits as possible, as well as carbs. Try to avoid junk food, restaurant food, etc. Drinking pomogrenate or blueberry juice, and lots of water helps a lot, and, if you eat meat, if you take it out of your diet completely for two weeks, you’ll get an incredible cycle of high energy that goes on for a couple of months. (You can go back to eating meat whenever you want - just repeat process every three-four months.) If medically acceptable, take vitamins.

Last, if you can somehow carve out some time to read another book (I know, I know), there’s an excellent one called The Millionaire Mind - the focus is on balance sheet wealth, and it drills deeply into leveraging time for performance and personal benefit. It’s been 18 months or better since I read it, but, we have mimicked the strategies in business and watched our revenues simply soar beyond belief - by paying attention to time, not money. Bottom line, time is not a renewable resource, and you can find lots and lots of ways to use your 24-hour per day supply a lot more efficiently, and get more done. Oddly, the balance sheet millionaires interviewed in the book - who tend to be entrepreneurs, lawyers, and senior executives of large corporations not only are TRUE balance sheet multimillionaires and even billionaires, but, most importantly, because of the strategies they use to leverage their time, they have plenty of time for leisure activities, vacations, time with family, friends and children (which to a person they valued most of all), and other enjoyable activities. I cannot recommend this strongly enough; the various “pick from the menu” strategies are simple and do not require massive lifestyle reorganization - you do NOT have to be a college graduate and in the workforce to get a lot of benefit from reading this; it has stuff you can use today.

j07 · September 3, 2006, 3:43pm

I just wanted to say thank you to all of the parents and others who have so generously offered their time and helped me out. I truly appreciate each and every one of your comments; they have been invaluable to me.

I think that cutting back on work will probably be beneficial to me. The thirty minutes on either end of work that I spend cooking for myself because my family has already eaten could be used for something much more productive.

Swimming is what keeps me sane, if that makes sense. That morning release and the endorphins that accompany it are worth the early morning wake-up call and the (oftentimes) grueling workout. My coach is incredibly sympathetic to my schedule (I am the only member of the team who is IB Diploma or president of any large school organization) and will probably be willing to allow me to get out of our practices maybe 15 minutes early so that I have some time to study and “collect myself” in the morning.

All the advice about food is highly appreciated as well. Since I don’t eat dinner with my family, I usual settle for a bowl of cereal or picking at food at the restaurant, but I’m going to start trying to be more healthy and eat less sugar so that I don’t have those sugar highs and crashes throughout the day.

I’m extremely close to one of my junior teachers and I have already been to her classroom twice this year crying because I was so overwhelmed, but she has really helped me and is going to be my primary assistance in my college search process. Hopefully she will be able to talk to my parents and explain to them that they need to let up a little bit.

My main concerns about financial aid are as follows. My father was unemployed for my first 2 1/2 - 3 years of high school, and his start-up company that he founded in the years before that flopped miserably. Now he has a job and our family income should probably be around…65k or 70k for this school year, but a huge percentage of that is being used to refinance our house and pay for debts.

Basically, if I had applied to a college like Harvard two years ago and gotten accepted, it would have been free, but now I miss that cut-off. However, my family still has a 0% chance of being able to finance an education like that. I know that having my own savings may hurt my financial aid options, but I would be devastated if, in the unlikely event of my being accepted to a top school, financial issues would keep me from attending. That’s the main reason I’m working. This past summer I worked 3 different jobs and after all of that (I’m young for my grade and therefore the types of jobs I’m eligible for are very limited and thus very low-paying) I only have about 3K saved.

Once again, sincere thanks to everyone. It means the world to me that anybody would take the time to listen to my complaints and assist me. Thank you all so much.

JEHudson · September 3, 2006, 3:55pm

There are a lot of kids in this country with the same problem you have with your parents. It’s not you, it’s them. There is a new book out that you can get at the library and give it to you parents to read. It will help them to see that your emotional health is just as important as being an achiever!!

The book is …The Price of Privilege, How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids…by, Madeline Levine, Ph.D…

It should be mandatory reading for all we “Baby Boomer” parents because we have lost sight of what’s really important in life.

Good luck!!

marite · September 3, 2006, 4:01pm

Jo7:

The 60k is the cutoff for a full ride, but it does not mean that if your family’s income is a bit over it–or even a lot over it, you won’t qualify for nearly full ride! As many of us have said, what you earn now will be counted in your assets, so it does not really make sense for you to work so hard on top of everything else.

Faline2 · September 3, 2006, 4:05pm

jo7…
You need to open up and get some perspective and find some great adults to guide your college search priorities. If you apply to some schools that offer merit money (see Northstar Mom’s directional thinking) as well as to schools that go by strict forumulas for need only, you should still end up with some magnificent choices in April. Do not try to be in April now. Now is the time to come up with a list of merit money colleges and colleges where you are Match and Reach ready. You have a lot to be proud of…keep your head up and spirits up.
Although I admire your real world experiences in the work place, your parents need to understand that the most important financial contribution you can offer your family is a successful search for college merit and need scholarship options and a clean first semester re good grades. That means gettting enough sleep and making your transcript clean and up to par with grades even in the crushingly busy senior fall semester. don’t give up your swimming or best ECs. But do cystallize your activiites to the most essential. Work one shift a week for cash if you like but you will do more for your family by making astute decisions re your colllege app list than you can do by working for cash this semester. I repeat. The college list is your focal point. You have some serious thinking to do about your temperament, your preferences, your goals and which colleges will inspire you the most. Don’t forget your match colleges while choosing your reach schools. Leave time for those essays for special programs like the Robertsons at Duke/UNC or the Ingrams at Vandy. So many of those merit programs to consider. You must have time to reflect and to build communications at schools that appeal to you. check your PMs.

KenJ_sMom · September 3, 2006, 7:02pm

j07, you remind me of my daughter during her senior year. She was clearly overscheduled and overstressed. She did not have a social life and having fun was pretty rare. She would never quit anything . . .

Sometimes you just have to sit down and be honest with your parents. Tell them that in order to keep all of your activities and classes and do well, you are going to need their support. Ask them to cut you some slack on the laundry and chores. Ask them for help with the college applications—your applications, but ask them to help organize stuff. Are you sure that they are pressuring you or are you pressuring yourself?

I would try to consider cutting back on the job a few hours. I know that you need the money, but you can always work full-time next summer if that is possible. You may be able to get pretty good financial aid, too.

I never allowed my kids to work while in high school because my philosophy was that academics came first. I think the key is not to look like you have the “you owe me” mentality.

Another thing to consider: forensics tournaments can vary in terms of quality–you may want to skip one here and there just so you have some time for the college apps. As for the swim team: are you one of the best swimmers? are you likely to get $$ for swimming in college? If not, you may want to drop the swim team just to keep sane and keep the work hours.

One thing to look forward to: next summer—you can relax and enjoy time with your friends. However, keep in mind that some schools do not want kids who do not know how to have fun. MIT even asks the question on its application, “what do you do for fun?”

parents, please help me deal with mine!

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