<p>Our son graduated at the top of his high school class, completed his undergrad in 3 years, is in his second year of law school (editor of law review), with little $$ contribution from us… his high school educated, blue collar working parents. We often told him the importance of higher education, hoping that he would be able to give his family a better life and more financial help with his educatin than we were able to give him. His response “I would feel fortunate to give my children the exact same experience I had, I never felt like I was missing anything, or went without anything, I had a home, good food, dinner with family every night” I guess thats the best pat on the back a parent can get.</p>
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<p>I hope he is able to instill his/your values in kids that will likely grow up in more prosperous surroundings. It can be done, but it’s not always easy.</p>
<p>Something that my mother did for me, and I passed along with my son was that she taught me that my opinion mattered. She came from a family of 9 children, and was the quiet, responsible one. She often felt that she was ignored, and didn’t assert herself into the conversation enough. She vowed that when she had kids, they would have a voice. Enter me, a very opinionated and talkative child. She asked for and got my opinion on everything from politics to clothing to personal matters (though she did not always take my advice). She taught me that my voice mattered and that I needed a sound argument to influence others. My DS has always had the chance to influence decisions. He has learned to persuade others and form opinions. He has developed a sense of confidence and is not afraid to argue if he thinks he is right. He also has learned from this that he is not always right, and welcomes others to change his mind. </p>
<p>The adage that a child is to be seen and not heard has been ignored for a couple of generations, and will hopefully continue.</p>
<p>They get up and eat breakfast on their own since middle school and never had a tardy. The two boysons are very different but they are good friends. They both take school/grades seriously. They know how to be thrifty.</p>
<p>Independence. From an early age we stretched the limits of what they would be expected to accomplished on their own, from making friends, teacher/student relationships, deadlines and work product, travel. Both are able to problem-solve, negotiate and seek out answer from sources other than their parents.</p>
<p>My kids have lots of good qualities, as do many of their friends and classmates, but I suppose the one thing that sets them apart and which I influenced, is their work ethic. I set a good example by being a very hard worker who doesn’t shy away from challenging and difficult tasks, and I’ve always made it clear that they want to be a person who perseveres and sticks with a problem until it is solved, rather than one to give up easily or leave something half done. Even though at times they’ve had to slog it out on an unpleasant task while others were having fun, they seem to like the feeling of satisfaction they get knowing they’ve done their best, and it has given them confidence and a sense of purpose. I hope they feel this way throughout their lives.</p>
<p>There are two things that immediately come to mind that I think I can take at least some credit for:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Reading to my son constantly from the time he was a baby, and raising him to love books, and reading, as much as I do.</p></li>
<li><p>Making it clear to him that being a kind, accepting, and empathetic person was something that was more important in life (at least to me) than simply being smart. I think he would have been brilliant pretty much no matter what, but I don’t think that being kind necessarily comes naturally to children – sometimes especially to kids who are really bright. But whether I’m responsible for it or not, he’s turned out to be a wonderfully kind, good person, and I’m every bit as proud of him for that as for all his intellectual accomplishments.</p></li>
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<p>My kids never fight. They really love each other. </p>
<p>They’re also voracious readers. My H gets credit for that. Many nights when I was too tired to read to them, he would. Thanks to him, we (pretty much) never missed a night. Reading aloud at bedtime continued until 5th grade, maybe later.</p>
<p>Ours are COMPLETELY different in so many ways, so for those traits they came pre-wired. For the similarities…</p>
<p>What I’m willing to take credit for:
- their love of garage sales and a great bargain
- following through: when you start something you finish it
- @Marian: a deep suspicion of anything that IS approved by the FDA lol</p>
<p>What my H can take credit for:
- a healthy respect for the law ;)</p>
<p>What we can both take credit for:
- respect and love for each other, their family and our simple traditions
- kindness, empathy and tolerance
- good work ethic</p>
<p>The two things I take credit for are my son’s willingness to express affection (I came from a cold Waspy family, and was determined that mine would be different, with lots of hugs and “I love you’s”) and his exemplary treatment of girls (DH deserves some credit here, too). Also for his love of reading, since I read out loud to him nearly every night until the end of eighth grade (wish I had done it longer). Even now, on family vacations, we all take turns reading out loud to each other.</p>
<p>They are hard workers when given a job (except for school work) and are conscientious on the job, don’t steal or cheat.</p>
<p>Donna L said it better than I could.</p>
<p>I would also add on a spirit of service. Raising our son in a military family was difficult on him at times but we also emphasized that everyone has to play their part, make some sacrifice in their own comfort for the greater good. When I see him supporting causes with his time and talent, I feel like we did our job well in that part of parenting.</p>
<p>My older has a real facility for dealing with adults- they trust her, hire her, write glowing recs for her. I am not sure what we did, but it’s been there for years. Hope it sticks when she goes big job-hunting. The thing I know we can take credit for is getting them enthusiastic about community service. They volunteer a lot, even during the college years, including hard, dirty projects. It’s also given them a sweet empathy and tolerance.</p>
<p>I did more wrong than I did right. H probably less so, but he could have done better, too.</p>
<p>What DID happen…</p>
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<li><p>Recognition of the importance of health and fitness. Love of running and other fitness activities. I didn’t always demonstrate good sportsmanship when I lost a race, and my kids have a pretty competitive instinct, but that’s not all bad… They appreciate the commitment and discipline H and I demonstrated in our athletic training even as we had careers and parented. My daughter tells us now that she is proud of how healthy and fit we are compared to most people our age.</p></li>
<li><p>They write thank you notes or otherwise acknowledge gifts. I am shocked at how few people seem to do this anymore. It’s so rude, in my opinion.</p></li>
<li><p>They love cats. Even my cool. macho son would snuggle with his cats in front of his classmates in middle school and high school. He only has one right now, since he says he doesn’t want to be “that dude with two cats.”</p></li>
<li><p>They value education and intelligence.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Stressed experiences over possessions.</p>
<p>Said no when it needed to be said.</p>
<p>Allowed the negative consequences of misbehavior to fall on my child.</p>
<p>Always told him I loved him and showed it by being there for him.</p>
<p>Momofwildchild:</p>
<p>Your #2 is also very important in our family. Amazing how Not Important it is in so many other families. It’s more than rude. We always taught our kids that if someone takes the time to get you a gift, then you take the time to acknowledge the gift in writing, and I don’t mean email.</p>
<p>^^ I agree with writing notes, but we allowed telephone calls to the grandparents because they (the grandparents) liked that.</p>
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<p>We have stressed that, too. However, mine haven’t truly flown the nest yet, so I don’t know if it took or not.</p>
<p>I’ll add one more: Mine are all calm, comfortable travelers, cool with being in a city, cool with public transportation. Some of you may laugh at that, but they have friends who never leave the suburbs, are afraid in the city, and have never ridden public transportation.</p>
<p>Oh, another thing: I am 56 years old, and my father (who’s 91) has never once in my entire life, so far as I can remember, said “I love you” to me. I promised myself I would be different, and would be more like my mother (who was very affectionate) as a parent, and would try never to let my son have a moment’s doubt that I love him, including when I was angry with him. I don’t think there’s ever been a day in his life when we were with with each other or spoke to each other in which I haven’t made clear how much I love him. And he says the same to me, and we still do so in every conversation, and I think it’s more than just words for both of us. And I really don’t think he’s ever felt unloved by me, and he’s a very affectionate person himself, so it can’t have hurt.</p>
<p>I do not think I can really take credit for his diligence and work ethic (which are much greater than mine at the same age), except by negative reinforcement concerning the evils of procrastination: I wasn’t so bad in high school, but turned into a major procrastinator and last-minute studier in college and law school, and have told him all sorts of horror stories about situations I got myself into, in order to persuade him not to follow in my footsteps. So far, from everything I can tell, he hasn’t.</p>
<p>missypie- I forgot that. Mine are also good travelers and know how to deal with airports, travel mishaps etc. Some of my kids’ early travels involved business trips with me, and at one point on a family (non-business) trip my son wanted to know where the concierge was. Since we were in a Fairfield Inn, there wasn’t one!</p>