OMG
What kind of surgery? My nephew had an emergency appendectomy and was on the phone with my sister from the dorm, on the ambulance, into ER, until they took his phone away from him on the way into surgery.
Probably there are lots of advantages to being more independent.
another thought: I’m a chatterbox who gave birth to chatterboxes. Maybe they just called when they had worn out all their campus buddies.
Since our kids have left the nest, we are lucky to hear from them one or more times/month. We consider ourselves close to both our S & D, but they really don’t chat with us or much of anyone that is not physically present. It has worked OK for them and for us, but it IS different from @alh and others whose kids are more communicative.
My older sister has her Ds texting and calling several times/day, even one who is married, working as an attorney and has a young child. Her other two do as well. One of her Ds has a BF who texts her regularly (multiple times/day) as well. It’s totally different to me. My other sibs who have kids who have left the next don’t hear from their kids as often.
http://www.sariweb.ucdavis.edu/downloads/324.ParentalInvolvement.pdf
As usual, CF is correct. There are gender differences.
Sample of one, of course - my S is far,far more communicative than my D and much more likely to call just to say hi, text a message, ask how we’re doing, etc. His phone calls are longer and we hear much more detail about his everyday goings-on. She’s much shorter, to the point, and not as likely to give us the blow-by-blow of her day or activities unless we specifically probe.
In general, it is more likely to have a chatty daughter than a chatty son. But lots of exceptions. I know a few families like PG’s where the son is much more talkative. I’m not super chatty - I never called my mom every day even though we were very close. I certainly hear more often from my kids if they need help or advice than if things are just humming along.
“When I met some of those parents for the first time at graduations, we felt like we already knew each other.”
I’ve not met the parents of any of my kids’ college friends, aside from a brief hello to roommate parents in moving in freshman year. To be honest, I’ve never even met most of my kids’ friends. D is 1000 miles away. S is nearby but we give him space. We did just meet his girlfriend; that was a big moment :-). But I think that’s just temperament. We are just not the kind to form instant friendships like that. We are friendly, but not extroverted. Other people like Alh have revolving doors of their kids’ friends. My kids’ friends would certainly be welcome but it just hasn’t come up as an option.
Yep, there are definitely differences between men and women, giant state schools and smaller privates (and smaller directionals), as well as majors that prepare you well for a job straight out of college vs. majors that don’t.
I’m of the opinion that something like classics almost is a luxury of the upper-middle/upper class, who’s kids can live in the basement while working in low-paying/unpaid internships to build their careers.
Even something like philosophy is. While I believe that philosophy majors (and certain social science majors) can do as well by mid-life as various STEM majors, it likely won’t be as good at getting you a job straight out of college. And when your parents who are living paycheck to paycheck are in danger of losing their jobs, majoring in something where there is less risk and allows you to not only support yourself but also pay the rent of your parents’ place in case they need to rely on you will be a major consideration.
“Regarding the idea that a lot of these issues go away to a degree at more selective schools…well I don’t know. Is the “work hard play hard” philosophy of, say, a Vanderbilt or Emory (very selective schools with pretty active Greek life) something that mitigates these issues?”
I think so. The biggest difference is that few of these highly selective private schools have “lite” majors in the first place. I’ve heard ditz jokes about the education majors at Vandy, but even if the stereotype that the ed school is less demanding is true, that’s a practical major with few unemployed graduates. Virtually everyone at this kind of school is on the professional pathway.
Thanks Hanna. Purple you make a point…d’s Brown interviewer intended to go to law school but fell into retail buying soon after graduation and made an excellent career of it. Became an exec. She was an English major… .
There was one classics major, Valerie.
Although she was not admitted to grad school, she was not living in her parents’ basement, either. Iirc, she was working in an administrative position at the university, probably earning a bit more than the typical grad student stipend. She might have had access to free tuition as well, which would have allowed her to take more practical classes on her employer’s dime, space permitting. (Big caveat there, these days.) She was planning to take her LSAT and apply to law school, and anticipated a scholarship with an LSAT of around 164.
The authors suggest that she might have been better off had she followed her original intent and pursued a more practical major at IU, or gone instead to a school such as Northwestern. I myself wonder if she would have done well had she attempted to fit in weeder pre-med classes - possibly, if someone at the university had provided the types of support and guidance that other students were getting from their parents? (I am contrasting her outcome with Emma’s.)
@PurpleTitan - I took a look at the web page for the Classics department at IU. They seem to be marketing this major as excellent preparation for a career in law, medicine, business, the arts, high school teaching, or even computer consulting, and mention that many of their graduates have earned fellowships to continue their study.
The web page for the classics department at Northwestern is even more emphatic that its graduates receive excellent preparation for a variety of lucrative career paths, and also mentioned that classics majors achieve some of the highest scores of any major on the GRE. I have to admit that this gave me pause. Valerie’s GRE scores (under 1300, iirc) were not especially impressive to me, although it would probably be fine for a grad program in something along the lines of school counseling.
Well, classics departments all over do not have a surfeit of students beating down their doors trying to major in that subject. Even something like law is (especially now with its chancy employment prospects) kind of a luxury for those who’s families won’t require their children’s contribution.
But if you do want to major in classics, I would say that, yes, doing so at a more elite institution is better-advised.
Oh no! I guess I have to read this book because it sounds like they’re talking about me (even though I attended another midwest flagship). I’d love to write about the other girls on my dorm floor. While sweet as could be, I felt we had very little in common. My floor was definitely divided, but I hope they never considered me “mean”. By divided, I mean 70% of the girls were from smaller towns, quieter, less likely to want to join campus clubs, or go out on a given evening. The money aspect never occured to me, but I guess it should have. Even though there were more of them, they never really banded together. I always assumed it was due to lack of social skills. We didn’t party in the dorms. Maybe that is what has changed, so it’s more painful for those not included to witness. I often wonder what became of these girls.
After reading the book summary posted earlier, my concern if the quality of college educations in general. Also, if you think you can avoid this by attending a private college, think again. I think it can be worse at some of the smaller schools. I saw it at one of the schools my daughter attended.
Good point, @toledo. The rich elite privates have enough of everything (money, resources, network, and critical mass of serious students) to help level the playing field.
Go lower down the totem pole and all that becomes less true.
I wonder if the lower-SES girls at a place like GWU fair any better than their counterparts at IU.
After how many months of dating?
In our case, DS’s GF seems to have been much more active in introducing DS to her side of family. He has essentiaaly met everyone of her family (a few just via video chats though).
Daughters must be more “communicative” than sons. Isn’t there another saying that the daughter will more likely bring someone (her SO) into her family and for the son, not often.
S is close to my wife and has a just “OK relation” (but definitely not a strained one) with me. He called once a week usually. Recently, he called less frequently though.
Hmm…somehow we feel that his GF likely communicated with her parents more frequently. She seems to be just naturally very close to all of her family members (not just her parents.) When she visited her parents who live far away during last break, she introduced DS to everyone of her family (some even lives in another city!) via video chat. I could imagine that, if all goes well till next winter break, DS would visit them. (Actually, she talked about having DS travelled with her to visit her family who live thousands of miles away in the past winter break, but DS was unable to go with her due to a previously scheduled test.)
The part of the book that really has me thinking is the fact that the “party dorm” was well known as such among the well-off girls, but not the less privileged girls. I get why IU would never want to identify a dorm this way, but it’s so unfair for the university to present the housing options to freshmen knowing that there’s an unwritten guide that half the students get and the other half don’t. I haven’t come up with a solution for this problem. Maybe the housing page could point admitted freshmen to an unofficial Facebook site or something where other students would fill them in on this important cultural knowledge. Or maybe seniors could be matched with mentors who could let them know.
I’ve read the various reviews of the book, and as best I can tell one vital piece of information is missing. What were the ACT scores of the various students profiled?
Twenty-eight percent of IU students made a 30 or higher on the ACT. These students are smart enough that they can party pretty hardy and still make good grades. Eighteen percent of IU students made a 23 or below on the ACT. These are students who are highly likely to flunk out if they try to do anything but study during their time in college.
The solution isn’t to ban the Greek system or to boss the smartest students around. Instead the school should provide more guidance to the less able students. And perhaps IU needs to stop admitting students with under a 23 on the ACT.
I will add that my son dual enrolled for three college classes during his ninth-grade year, and I was able to give him some tips that helped him. For example, as soon as he was assigned a group project (ugh!) I warned him that he might very likely have to take charge to ensure that the project got done. And he did. Someone whose parents didn’t attend college might not be aware of the Group Project trap. So I do see that point.
If they stop admitting those with under 23 ACT there will be few AAs at IU.
I haven’t read the book yet (planning to order it). As far as being a “party dorm” I would think you could find this out on line. D knew no one at the college she attended, but she knew which dorms had party dorm reputations. She was just looking for general opinions of dorms and found that information.
I suppose some lower SES kids wouldn’t think of that, but some would.
FWIW, it was almost 40 years ago when I was a small town girl, cc transfer, 1st gen college student , no internet and I knew enough to ask a few people I knew who attended the school some questions about dorms, greek life, etc.