Peer pressure and its impact on college selection

Parents Forum
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<p>I always assume that they are going there because it’s where they want to go, it just doesn’t occur to me that they couldn’t afford to go somewhere else.</p>

<p>Especially when we know students that are from families that could afford to send their kids * anywhere*, and would happily do so, are attending state universities, lesser known colleges, and even instate universities. ohnoes!</p>

<p>I always assume ( knowing their parents) that they had a good choice of schools to pick from, and are happy to be there.</p>

<p>My older D school, had a seperate award ceremony ( that also included middle school) and I had never heard of some of the awards- although I do admit I went and looked them up later, because of the students acheivements- I knew they must be important.
( like the Bausch & Lomb award-)
graduation they didn’t list their awards- just said where they were going ( after having them sit in a hot seat while a montage of slides were projected behind them from babyhood on… & while the director read from comments made by other students and faculty :wink: )
but while I know some schools tally all the offers of aid, and report the cumulative amount- this is deceptive- because one student can only attend one school - plus- I think acceptance to a prestigious school is enough- we don’t need to know that they are getting a full ride to a need based only school.</p>

42

<p>Chedva & Sunshadow, back to your comments about kids staying close to home–Maybe it’s because we have closer relationships with our kids than we did with our parents? I think that wanting to get far away from home may have more to do with LEAVING than GOING in some situations. I do think that there are fewer dictatorial, overbearing parents than there used to be.</p>

43

<p>Well, don’t assume that is the case either. My Ds both want to go to the east coast. They see opprotunities there they won’t have here, and frankly, don’t want to spend 4 years going to school with a “bunch of California kids”- they just want more variety</p>

<p>And we are very close. </p>

<p>THis is why I don’t like those lists- people make so many assumptions that are not true, and it is really not anybody’s business</p>

<p>We had a kid, who was frankly amazing, he could have gotten into some very good schools, but due to family circumstances, My D knows the details, I don’t, he opted for a CC for the first two years.</p>

<p>Does he need to get the looks, the wondering, the curiousnes sof others by the school advertising where he needed to go?</p>

<p>no he did not, he was by no means ashamed, but answering unnecscarry queries into his decision just made him uncomfortable</p>

<p>the kids were much less intrusive then nosey nelly moms and dads</p>

44

<p>It’s a well known fact that peer pressure and opinion and doings affect kids, and us in our decisions. Not always for the worse, either. My son is clueless about colleges, and since he shuts out so much of what we tell him, it is helpful to have him at school with kids who are more on the ball. He was not at all interested in SAT test prep, until he realized that nearly everyone was getting it. Hopefully, as college talks become more frequent, he will turn his attention to this area. Some grade anxiety would not hurt him either.
It is frustrating when the crowd has an opinion that is not to your child’s advantage, and he hold to it as though it were the gospel. That is the flip side to all of this. Sometimes, it is even more specific. There have been kids who decide to go to school together. Something that is quite limiting and often unrealistic. To be attracted to a school simply because you know so many kids going there is not always the best criterion to make a college decision. I often see clusters of kid going to a nearby school, and not considering a similar one in a another city, simply because it is not on the local list. It’s a shame when peer pressure narrows ones mind rather than opens it wider.</p>

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<p>cgm–it’s not true obviously, for everyone, but I do see a little less of a “get out of town” mentality now.</p>

<p>Maybe people seem to stay closer because the $ spread between people’s own state schools, and the privates and out-of-states is so much more than it was in our generation.</p>

46

<p>CGM, I guess I’m one of those nosy Mom’s but I never thought that asking someone what they were planning to do after High School was making them feel bad. I went to a community college right after High School. It was right for me at the time. We could have afforded at least the state university but I wasn’t ready for it. I don’t think I’m really judging anyone when I ask about their future and I don’t think that should be assumed of anyone else either. My kids are at colleges that most people are not familiar with - so what?</p>

47

<p>OMG when I read threads like this I can’t even believe it. A list where everyone goes to college? That’s just rude. Colored tassles for this or that? High school graduation is NOT an awards ceremony!</p>

<p>Makes me glad for my podunk town that couldn’t care less where anyone’s kids are going. (Well, mostly. :wink: )</p>

<p>And it makes me glad for a Jesuit HS that sees values in all the kids’ choices, but where bragging and advertising awards, scholarships, and honors are kept at a very minimum. (There is an annual award ceremony - but parents are specifically NOT invited. Ha.)</p>

<p>Kids don’t need these kinds of pressures. Especially girls. By the time they’re done worrying about their weight, their hair color, their clothes, their popularity index, etc., well, for these really big decisions I think they need family support and they need to try really hard to divorce themselves from all the hub-bub at school. </p>

<p>Too many families end up in financial ruin, or with kids at inappropriate schools, just to satisfy some vague peer pressure thing. </p>

<hr>

<p>P.S. To VeryHappy:

You might not know anyone who hates it, but out there somewhere is a group of mortified kids - you can be sure. Your school could make available in the guidance office JUST the GPAs, SAT scores, and what schools the kids got into, or rejected from, and ended up attending - all without any names. Our school actually combines the last two years (it makes it pretty hard to idnetify anyone.) It would serve the same purpose.</p>

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<p>I have learned to not ask even my Ds closest friends anything about college, they are under enough stress now just waiting, etc, to not have to fend off questions from the curious</p>

<p>If they volunteer, of course I will have a disussion, but now, any HSer I see, i don’t ask, and will not ask when April comes around.</p>

<p>WHen one of Ds close friends gets an acceptance letter and D tells me, I wil congratulate the kid, but I won’t ask if they have heard etc. It isn’t my business.</p>

<p>My D got into two great schools already, and she just has good news to share right now, but I could see her cringe a bit when people asked her before where she was going. All she could say was, not sure yet, then it was well were did you apply- </p>

<p>then you would hear- “never heard of it”, “that is easy to get into so you should have no problem”, or “that is a tough one to get into, good luck!!”</p>

<p>My D knows all that, and doesn’t need a kind hearted person to remind her.</p>

<p>I know a girl who was rejected from her # 1 school. It was still a raw wound when people asked her about college.</p>

<p>So, as an aside, parents, do not ask questions to satisfy your own curiosity, that is just selfish. </p>

<p>FInd our from your kid when they have friends over if it is clear to broach the subject of college.</p>

<p>When my girls went away at Christmas, they made a pack with their friends and parents- if ANYONE asked about college, they would respond:</p>

<p>we are on winter break, and are taking a break from talking about it</p>

<p>people understood and it wasn’t rude</p>

49

<p>CGM- You may feel differently in the spring when the admission process is over and everything is in place. The lists, senior editions etc are not designed to brag or make anyone feel bad- they are informational and celebrate everyone’s choices, whatever they may be. The heirachy has been set WAY before any lists come out! The disappointments tended to occur in December or April, and by graduation, almost everyone was accepting of where the chips had fallen, was celebrating graduation and everyone’s “next step”.</p>

50

<p>Exactly. What MoWC said.</p>

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<p>My d’s high school lists the colleges that kids have gotten into, but does not identify the kids. </p>

<p>I also am amazed that people object to additional tassels or cords at graduation. They are the symbols of these national honor societies, and traditionally have been used at graduations. They were not created by your local high school. The kids who wear them have earned them. At d’s high school, the cords from every honor society (NHS, foreign languages, music, drama) are worn by those who have earned them. Some kids are entitled to wear multiples, and they do. They were not designed to “embarrass” those who were not entitled, but to acknowledge those who were. Should we eliminate valedictorian because kids who aren’t will feel bad? </p>

<p>When I graduated from law school, I wore the cowl that I had earned when I got my master’s. Most graduates didn’t have such a cowl. Should I not have worn mine? I was proud of the accomplishment. I see no difference between that and the cords high school graduates earn.</p>

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<p>^ “Should we eliminate valedictorian because kids who aren’t will feel bad?”
Oh dear, yes, the Jesuits have eliminated that too…</p>

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<p>OP’s daughter’s story could have been much different if she had succumbed to the original peer pressure. She didn’t, and it sounds like she’s being well-rewarded in sticking with her original choice. What a great outcome.
I think it also comes down to kids doing the research themselves and making informed decisions. We know a number of parents who had to nag their sons and daughters to even start looking.
Our S. did a lot of research, and, like OP’s daughter, looked at schools’ strengths in his particular areas of interest. Visits helped seal the deal, and he had a clear first choice. At the same time, though, it’s been somewhat frustrating when there are many classmates and friends who have never heard of his school, or ask why he didn’t try for an ‘ivy.’ Once they set foot on campus in the fall, though, I think all these comments will be left behind.</p>

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<p>chedva, the difference is that presumably every student at graduation was earning a JD-- you were too, but with an added bonus. Every kid at HS graduation is graduating from HS… but to make the kids going off to a Vo-Tech program or the military feel as though their graduation isn’t “enough”-- since they won’t get the whole, “got accepted to 6 colleges with 3 million dollars in scholarships” routine, that strikes me as mean-spirited.</p>

<p>I find the advertising of the amount of the financial awards distasteful, and to brag about the schools your students got into but won’t attend is bizarre. There are always kids who are in wait-list purgatory in May-- or kids whose finances are sufficiently up in the air that they’re not able to commit to a college for the Fall. Why make them feel worse?</p>

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<p>^ “Once they set foot on campus in the fall, though, I think all these comments will be left behind.” You’re right, lspf. That is exactly what happens. My son felt bad for a brief time that no one had heard of his school, but once he was there, he could not have cared less. He’s never looked back. And the same can be said for his friends. They don’t even seem to discuss their colleges much. When they are home, they are just old friends again.</p>

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<p>I agree with blossom. Graduation from graduate school is completely different. You are not dealing with young people (and their parents!!!) at that point. Plus, in high school their accomplishments are what they are, it is simply WAY too premature to judge which is an outstanding success and which isn’t. Things need to be kept in perspective - and graduating from law school is simply a much different accomplishment that graduating from high school.</p>

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<p>While I understand perfectly the objections to knowing who got in where - I do remember that the yearbook did a supplement to our yearbook which included where everyone was going to college. Of course it was such a small school that we pretty much knew where everyone was going anyway - so the list was more of a permanent record. I like having a list of where kids have gone without names which is all our high school does as far as I know. (At least I was given a list a few years ago which just had college names and numbers.) However - I have to admit I’m curious about at least the kids of my friends are ending up.</p>

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<p>My D’s high school not only publishes every award, honor, scholarship offer (not amount, just name), etc. in the graduation program … then actually reads every single grad’s list as they cross the stage. Such overkill! But I think my D said it best, “How does the ‘regular’ kid feel as he walks across the stage to just his name?” For heaven’s sake, if you are going to publish the stuff, don’t you think that’s enough?</p>

<p>Not sour grapes, as D will have plenty of her own accolades. And I don’t see anything wrong with celebrating accomplishments, even in the graduation program. I just think that the walk to receive a diploma should be just that. </p>

<p>And PLEASE … no audience competition to hoot & holler the loudest when your own kid’s name is called!!!</p>

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<p>“And PLEASE … no audience competition to hoot & holler the loudest when your own kid’s name is called!!!”</p>

<p>Oh boy, I recall at my son’s graduation, we got a STERN lecture about that one before it started. You could have heard a pin drop when those boys’ names were called out. I suspect though that without the lecture it would not have been that way! </p>

<p>At the all-boys school they will even hoot and holler for certain kids (sometimes there’s just a kid that EVERYBODY likes). (In fact it is a tradition to loudly BOO the Asst Dean to Students who is responsible for disciplinary stuff whenever he approaches a mike - even though the boys love him dearly.)</p>

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<p>At my private school, before I moved, at the end of the year, they would publish a list of schools and under each school was a list of names who were going there, in the school newspaper. There were a few undecided too. </p>

<p>Also, in the hallway, we had huge posters and almost every senior was up there, and under their name is a list of every school they got into. Sooo when you see one person got into one school and other got into seven…
The seniors would draw on them too, some circled the school they were going too, etc.</p>