<p>I feel like I’m just piling on here, but this dilemma struck a chord for me. First, some 2nd hand experience: i know a girl who turned down harvard, her first choice, to be able to follow her bf to (an admittedly very good) LAC. 10 years or so later, they are still together, and from what I hear, pretty happy. When I first heard about this situation I was full of shock and sympathy for the 'rents. Fast forward 10 years, I now have been through the parent-of-teen wringer a time or three, and I have a different take. If it were my child, and the child in question was <em>at all</em> oppositional and less-than-perfectly mature, I would pretty much throw the ball in their court – tell them I trust their decision-making ability, will support them as much as possible in their decision, and will love them no matter which college they choose to attend. THEN I would point out to them (once only) the reasons why the smaller, closer colleges are a better choice in my opinion. And that’s it. </p>
<p>I say this with the assumption that you (the parent) are right, and the large college really is a poorer choice: the problem is that you probably won’t win by taking the choice out of her hands. On the other hand, letting her choose might make her retreat from her daring dream of defiance and make it easier for her to choose the better school. If she does end up at the distant school, she most likely will still do well, she can always transfer if the bf doesn’t last (or flunks out) and AT LEAST she won’t blame you for her situation - in fact she might grant your opinions more weight when her next major life-decision rolls around. </p>
<p>I think if she were going to be amenable to following your wishes without a power struggle she would not have gone down the path already trod, of proposing to go to the distant school. I think she’s kind of committed to struggling against you about this, and your only chance is to remove yourself from the battle. At that point, she really has to do some thinking about what’s best for her, and some blossoming maturity might prevail. And if not, it might still work out with the bf, and having your support and involvement in her life will help.</p>
<p>I applied to only one college, the the state u. that my bf (2 yrs. older) attended. We had been dating for a year and a half at that point and I would not have considered going elsewhwere although I was a much stronger student that he and could have prob. gone to a “better” sch. Many kids from our town (including my sister) went to this sch. (only one hour from home) so my Mom didn’t express any reservations about my going there with the BF. In retrospect, I’m sure she had many.
What happened? We broke up after my first semester. The BF quit sch. and joined the military. I stayed,made lots of friends and never regretted attending that sch.</p>
<p>To the OP- (with renewed wisdom now that my kids are done with college):</p>
<p>Here’s what’s in your control- whether to pay her car insurance, give her gas money, indeed, buy her a car. Paying her tuition and room/board fees. Maintaining ground rules when she’s living under your roof either now or when she’s on break (things like go buy milk if you’re the one to use it up; don’t leave wet towels on the bathroom floor, etc.)</p>
<p>Here’s what you can’t control- who she dates, how frequently she sees her BF or even her GF’s; what she majors in and whether or not she makes appropriate deadlines for special majors, scholarships, fellowship opportunities, etc. If she runs out of shampoo or needs a bathmat or doesn’t have clean underwear you can’t control or fix that… she’s going to learn about the Walmart and Target websites and about how to buy essentials and do her chores once she’s out under her own roof.</p>
<p>To me, the discussion of distance is pretty academic and most likely a red-herring for a lot of other issues. Since you can’t control how she spends her free time, does it matter that she’s close to home or far away? You’ll see her when you see her. Since I don’t envision you doing her laundry and stocking her toiletries every couple of days, does it matter where it is that she’s learning about the joys of detergent and having lots of quarters???</p>
<p>If the price differential of all the colleges isn’t important to you, and if she originally had valid academic reasons for being interested in these schools, then you are going to drive her straight to the sub-par BF if you keep trying to control where she ends up. Kid is much too smart to think that you want her close to home so you can teach her how to use bleach on stains… she knows it’s to keep her 6 hours from the BF. And in that category of things you can’t control… where this kid ends up going to college, if he becomes a drop-out or a Rhodes scholar… also not under your control.</p>
<p>These relationships stale faster than a day old bagel once the kids get to a big college, walk into a dining hall on a Tuesday night, and see more eligible dating partners than they’ve seen in their entire HS career. BF will be history soon enough, why ruin your relationship with your daughter trying to make it sour sooner rather than in October???</p>
<p>Blossom - love your post - I need to copy it and reread it - frequently.</p>
<p>I am learning to let go the reins and back off - not quite there yet but getting closer.</p>
<p>We’ve been through boyfriend ‘situations’ with our daughter. Have learned the hard way that pushing too hard against a boyfriend pushes them towards the boyfriend.</p>