Please help me with proper punishment for D

Parent Cafe
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<p>Mimi - sometimes we use different words, but we’re talking about the same thing. Recommending a teenager only drive with their parents for 3 months could either be called punishment or mentoring, but it’s still after the same thing - more time on the vine to mature, more time with parent in the teaching roll. </p>

<p>There are a few folks here who have recommended restricting activities outside of the driving for the purpose of punishment, but most posters seem to be recommending restrictions on driving because the teen is not ready for the responsiblity. The teen may feel they are both punishment, but I think the motivation is much different. </p>

<p>I think we all would agree teens need to learn to accept the consequences of their actions, we are just vary as to what those consequences are (state-imposed, parent-imposed, self-imposed).</p>

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<p>I see a lot of parents taking responsibility on this thread. It’s hard to comment on the relationship of the op and her daughter when we don’t know them - and I wouldn’t presume to think that there is a problem there. Just because the daughter used poor judgement doesn’t automatically reflect that the mom (or dad) is to blame or that there is a big relationship problem. Kids are still going through developmental stages of maturity at 15 and 16, and some (not all) will make poor decisions just because they are young and immature. They have a lot going on emotionally, both regarding peers, and regarding independence and identity issues. While kids are maturing, some of these issues may come out in their driving, which a responsible parent would not allow.</p>

<p>Restricting driving priviliges to those who are mature and can handle it is not a “punishment.” I personally see it as a safety precaution and a responsibilty I have to protect the world from my kid’s immaturity. With my own two, most growth spurts came in about three month intervals - even when they were little, I could see huge developmental leaps about every three months, although sometimes they had to take two steps backwards before they took one giant leap forward.There was a lot of growth between 16 and 16 1/2, both physically and emotionally. A sensitive parent can tell when their kid is at another maturity point, and I think the op will know when it’s time to let her daughter try again. In the meantime, well, I wouldn’t want my kid driving, as I’d like to keep them around for awhile. </p>

<p>The actual legal consequences can also play a part in the growth, but a lot of that depends on what actually occurs, and when. Ideally, it reinforces the message that you want to promote, but it doesn’t always happen that way. Even if the law teaches nothing, if you give your kid a chance to grow up a bit on their own, with reasonable consequences within the safety of a loving family, they will come around. It’s gratifying when, say, an 18 or 19 year old looks back at themselves at 15 and says, “geeze, I was an idiot to do such and such!” It’s happened a few times at our house.</p>

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<p>mini’s points are, imo, very important and go to the heart of how a village raises a child. </p>

<p>Were my child to have exhibited the disrespect that the OP’s D did for the law and for safety, my reaction would not have been to find the right punishment. But rather to go at it in a few other ways: 1) to ensure that natural consequences occurred without my intervening to divert them (eg, without me the parent paying the ticket if there were one etc); 2) to ask myself whether there should be other consequences beyond those arising from the legal system; and yes 3) a focus on how to build up or build back the values that might be absent or AWOL (mini’s mentoring, relationship-building etc).</p>

<p>When the OP asked re proper “punishment,” I don’t ascribe too much to that choice of word, because she also may really have meant what are the right consequences, what is the right response. Rather than necessarily meaning to look at this in a totally punitive sense. Her choice of that word may have been just “quick and dirty.” </p>

<p>I think a lot of the band-width in this thread has been in response to what I, personally, consider a very off-track value system espousing the idea that irresponsible driving behaviors are “par for the course” for a teen, to be expected and to be shrugged off. I believe this is the stance of only one poster, but I know it engendered an almost visceral response in me.</p>

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<p>Thanks to everyone. You gave me so much to think about and consider.</p>

<p>Here is what we have done/decided so far: </p>

<p>First, I printed out the first 45 posts on this thread (it took too much paper/ink to go further!), and had D read it all. The ideas were so good and logical, I knew I couldn’t explain the issues myself any better than all of you.</p>

<p>D understands that she will have to pay for the ticket and traffic school. We expect this to cost upwards of $300. (In Cal., if you attend traffic school, no violation shows up on your record, and your insurance company is not notified. You may attend once every 18 months. We assume these rules will apply in this case, but do not know for sure yet).</p>

<p>For the next 30 days, she will only drive with H or me in the car. This is for safety’s sake more than punishment (but she will see it as punishment). As several of you pointed out, she obviously was not mature enough for this responsibility. Here in Cal, public transportation is not often an option, and cars are a huge part of everyone’s life. So naturally I fell into step with our community in assuming that her 16th birthday was the right time to get her license (“the State assumes it is, so why shouldn’t we?” is the thinking, I guess). I have learned that 16 is not the right time for every child. Obviously, I won’t make the same mistake with my next child.</p>

<p>After 30 days, we will re-assess her readiness. If she seems ready, we will allow her to drive only to school/sports/work. This is where the “trust” issue comes into play. As several of you pointed out, it is impossible to know when we will be able to trust her again, so we will limit her activities for now and decide on a day-to-day basis whether we feel we can trust her on her own.</p>

<p>Finally, she will research and make a $50 monetary contribution to a relevant charity (e.g., head injury foundation, etc.) I agreed to match it as penance for my role in permitting her to take to the road too soon.</p>

<p>(I considered the idea of having her apologize to her friend’s father, but it didn’t seem appropriate since her friend is also familiar with the law and was the one who asked my daughter for the ride home, knowing full well that my daughter is a pushover and would likely do it.)</p>

<p>Anyway, I thank you all for your thoughtful responses! It is doubtful that I would have muddled through all these issues on my own. I appreciate it very much!</p>

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<p>Sounds very well thought out and reasonable to me.</p>

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<p>Bay, your parenting skills have my utmost respect. Sometimes I wish I could choose my kid’s friends by choosing their parents:)</p>

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<p>Bay - your post is certainly welcomed and appreciated - you have truly sought and thought out a positive manner in which to manage this situation - and I wish you the best in applying the standards that you have decided on.</p>

<p>And kuddos to you for your contribution matching your gals - tho please don’t feel any guilt in her actions. It certainly sounds as tho you all - as a family - have learned an invaluable lesson in all of this. Hang in there.</p>

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<p>Bay:</p>

<p>I think you’ve come up with a great solution! Items 1 & 2 will ensure that she gains more experience as a driver. As for regaining your trust, I expect she will learn a lot from this episode, in particular about the importance of resisting peer pressure.</p>

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<p>Bay, thank for sharing your family’s decision on this matter. It sounds like everyone (including us CC’ers) are much wiser for the experience. Good luck with the next few months. I bet your daughter develops into a superb driver.</p>

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<p>Merrymom, July 2007, new poster, is obviously a reincarnation…from whom is the question???</p>

<p>Well Driver was wittier & more logical, but maybe she was in an accident and bonked that pretty blond head of hers?</p>

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<p>Bay- you sound like a wonderful Mom. My town is so cursed. Another carful of teenagers crashed into a telephone pole last night. No word yet on casualties, or or even who they were, but the road is expected to be closed all day which is not a good sign. Maybe I’m too sensitive, but all of these accidents have a huge impact on me.</p>

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<p>Bay:
Sounds like you have tailored an excellent solution to this problem. I’ve no doubt that your D will have learned a mighty lesson from this. As a parent of a D who also USED to succumb to peer pressure, I understand how important it is to help them develop the personal strength and backbone to resist. That is a true sign of maturity and will bode well for her as she learns to navigate the roads responsibly.</p>

<p>I’m glad you found help here…I know I always do. This Board has been a great source of info and advice for me over the past few years. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>New driver–very sad results. I think supervised practice driving is a must. I highly recommend a driving school that uses a race track rather than city streets. You learn proper braking, handling skids, and the limits of your car in a pretty safe venue.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.newsadvance.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=LNA/MGArticle/LNA_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=1173352232641&path=[/url]”>http://www.newsadvance.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=LNA/MGArticle/LNA_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=1173352232641&path=&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Example of a track based school.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.texasmotorspeedway.com/DrivingSchools.aspx[/url]”>http://www.texasmotorspeedway.com/DrivingSchools.aspx&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Bay, the joint contribution to a charity was extremely thoughtful, and only YOU thought of that. You’re gracious to thank others, but that one was yours I believe.
Through charity, you’ve gotten D to give of herself through money, while bringing in mini’s idea of some mutual re-centering by matching the donation. Cool.</p>

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<p>Both InControl and Skid School in MA are closed courses. The one my d took was actually at an abandoned Naval Air Station, so all the exercises were done on the runways and landing strips. Really cool!</p>

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<p>This has been a great thread, examining everyone’s part in what happened. I have learned something valuable here. Tks, Bay, Tks Mini and all. May all of our kids benefit from the wisdom shared here.</p>

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<p>What a thoughtful way of responding to your D’s situation. Hats off to you, Bay.</p>

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<p>good thread, Bay. My son’s license arrived today. He seems to not care much about getting it even though his best friends are seen driving right past him. He just returned from three weeks at Hopkins and before that a big sailing trip with the Scouts. Not every 16 year old should be driving and you must give out driving privileges based on each child and their relative strengths and weaknesses. My son takes twice as long as other kids for instance to learn how to tie knots and move sails on a boat…he also daydreams and when he is running on the Cross Country team appears to be “lost” if he gets separated even when running around neighborhoods…and he is a great person who is just now waking up to getting his bearings. I also was often “lost” in my car in my early teens and didn’t really become a sharp city driver till I was 21. His best friends are driving to school and want rides with my son from practices etc. When I do let this son venture to drive to school, we will simply be the Unreasonable Parents and say, you aren’t ready to drive ANYONE until we see your skill level and experience and coordination go up a few notches. This Meany Parent role worked also for our oldest son who never took another student in his car until very late in his senior year… after a year or so of driving himself around when we could all see he was oriented, knew the city well and had became a better driver. My sons don’t mind using us as excuses and this generally kept them from being invited to high school drinking parties, too. I won’t opine that my son in college is some Puritan now, but we did get him through high school with no contact with the police and no drinking underage. Every year for those brains to develop is important. On the other hand, I am perfectly able to see that some 16 year olds are coordinated and have high reasoning skills earlier than my kids seemed to demonstrate. I just am saying…your locality may have rules that are too lax for the mental acuity of many teens and that is why parents were invented. Down here in tobacco/NASCAR world, cars and boys are wedded at age 16 with often zero parental add-on rules.
May all of our children stay safe and never hurt anyone else’s loved one.</p>

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<p>Another hats off to you, bay. I think your approach has it on so many of the facets of the situation. I especially like your attention to earning back the trust. That is really the key, I believe. And there is no formula for that.</p>

<p>As a very young pre-teen, my beloved father caught me out in a lie. It was minor, but he came and sat on my bed that evening to tell me of how sad it was for him to have lost his unblemished trust in me. He didn’t need to say more. I wanted that trust back. Although a 16-year old may be a bit more jaded than I was at that age, I think the focus on each of your roles, and the focus on helping her be more prepared for the rights and responsibilities of driving, and the focus on regaining trust… will probably be well-remembered by her as a key part of your parenting.</p>