Please help to grade my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Hi all,

please help me to improve on my essay. Did it in slightly more than 25 minutes. Will improve on the time taken to write an essay. I would say that the example wasn’t fully developed as I had limited time.

Do be brutally honest with my essay. Thanks!

Prompt:
“The price of greatness is responsibility.”

Winston Churchill

Assignment:
Do we expect too much from our public figures? Plan your response, and then write an essay…

Public figures are chosen by the people to serve their needs. Hence, the expectations of them are naturally high as they are expected to come up with solutions. Several examples from past events clearly demonstrate this.

On August 2011, the Singapore Parliament was dissolved by the President and an election was held. The Secretary-general of the People’s Action Party, now the current Prime Minister, Mr Lee Hisen Loong, promised a couple of things to the people, including the reduction of transportation costs.

In this particular election, the People’s Action Party gathered enough votes to got elected into Parliament and form the government. Mr Lee Hisen Loong was naturally elected as the Prime Minister. In his opening speech broadcasted on Singapore’s media channels, he advocated again the promise to reduce transport costs for the people.

The Ministry of Transport was tasked to come up with a solution for the promise. The Minister of Transport, Mr Lui Tuck Yew, came up with the solution of transport voucher to solve the problem temporarily. This is initially a good initiative. However, six months down the road, the public transport companies submitted a revision of costs to the transport council, which was under the Transport Ministry. This revision was mainly about the rising cost of public transport. It is important to note that Singapore transportations are in the form of public companies limited by shares, hence, profitability is an issue. The revision was eventually approved, rendering the transport voucher useless. This made the citizen furious and naturally resentment towards the government was at all times high.

From this example, we can see that the people’s expectations come from the promise of the public figures. If the promise is not fulfill, then it is natural that people get furious.

This brings me to the next point on the reason people get furious. When people expect, the put faith and trust in the public figures to solve a particular problem. As evidenced by the Singapore government, they made a promise that the people will be taken care of in their retirement. The Central Provident Fund, is a fund that both the employer and employee contribute to and serve as a retirement fund. Each month, the employer and employee contribute a certain percentage depending on the employee’s salaries. This has created various problems for the people. Due to the high percentage, employers are a little reluctant to hire Singaporeans.

From this example, Singaporeans count on the government to provide for them, instead, the government created more problems than solutions.

All in all, from the two examples cited above, the expectations people have are based on faith and trust in the promise made by the public figures. However, when the expectations have not been fulfilled, people get furious. Hence, it is not too overbearing to say that the expectations we have are not too much as we only expect our public figures fulfill their promise.

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Organization: 4. Paragraphs need to be divided based on ideas and not on a whim. Fairly nice flow though.
Diction: 4. Some awkward situations regarding word use, and nothing spectacular.
Supporting Details: 3. You don’t tie the examples back to your thesis very well. You say things like “this made people furious,” but you need to explicitly tie that back to “it is reasonable for people to have high expectations.”
Grammar: 3. Some obvious mistakes. I will try to come back to this, because I need to leave right now.
Thesis:3 Not very strong or clear thesis.

3

Hi guys can you please grade my essay. I took slightly more time than 25 minutes, about 2-4 minutes extra. Also is it necessary to use five paragraphs for 12? My tutor gives me only a six if i write four. Advice on how to write faster and feed back would be helpful. :slight_smile:
The topic is :Do our experiences from the past help us in the future?
I believe the past plays an eminent role in the present; it not only teaches educational experiences, but also values which we shall never forget, values for life. Failure and evolution, are the ultimate keys to success, but like everything else they too need time.
Back in the time before Christ, it as the Greek philosophers who debated about the composition of matter. Theories abounded, few of which were that matter was made of fire, ice, wind, and air, but all of these proved to be wrong. It was not until the seventeenth century, however, Mr. Dalton a celebrated chemist, had a hint of what matter was made of: tiny particles. Scientists carried this this theory forward, and began to propound many theories as to what atoms were made of, and this is still going on today. Starting from atoms, to protons, neutrons and electrons, there are now even more impossibly minuscule particles, such as quarks, and hadrons. This proves that science is purely based on time, scientists will never stop trying to break down the “matter” discovered by the philosophers, until science dies.
Even after the discovery of the atom and experiments, of reactions, chemists began to arrange these elements, just as we students arrange out notes. Primitive scientist arrange them by mass,however later Mr Dobereiner, began to group them into triads. Finally, Dimitri Mendeleev, known as the father of the periodic table found out that previous theories of octaves, were true for all elements, and all he did was arrange the elements in order satisfying all the theories of previous scientists. Dimitri really did not have to do anything major, all he did was study the work of previous scientists, and prove is right. If he is the father, then those scientists who were born before him were grandfathers! Now we enjoy the fruits of their labour and use it to discover even more patterns and elements. Past work is the fuel of today’s discovery.
Another example is a volcano in Montgomery. Initially people in Montgomery never thought of the dangers of the volcano, using it as a blessing instead of a curse. They enjoyed, the fertile and rich soil, the massive profits from sulphur, and tourist money from geysers and hot springs, hence taking the volcano as a blessing rather than a curse. However it was not until the volcano erupted did they realize the true power of it. Millions died, either by the flood of melted snow, or because they were scorched alive by the lava. Later however they learnt a valuable lessons, and now the police of Montgomery have set a restriction zone preventing people from going too close to the volcano, and setting up emergency rescue teams, and educating the public about precautions, and safety measures.
The past is every body’s driving force, but it also matters as to how we handle it. It is not failure that teaches us lessons or great people from the past, but truly, what truly matters is how we take failures, and what we learn from the people before us.

Thanks in advance!

4

I think you could have done better, by removing the second example, so you could have developed the first much more. The main fault, however is in the structure. Like the previous guy said only divide paragraphs based on ideas.
Only then will your writing have flow. You could merge the “from this example” into the previous paragraphs, as these seriously break the flow. Apart from the structure and your intro i think its pretty good! Just follow the 4 pargraph formula and you’ll do fine :slight_smile:

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Hi @Lilac2000‌ ,

Maybe you can start a new thread for your essay. More exposure that way. I will share my opinion with you, but I am also an amateur myself, so I hope it helps.

I chanced upon the thread by Academichacker about the SAT essay, maybe you might want to take a look. http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-to-write-a-12-essay-in-just-10-days-p1.html

My opinion:

  1. Try not to use "I believe", seems like a biased opinion if you do so.
  2. I think this is not necessary "If he is the father, then those scientists who were born before him were grandfathers!" Plus, I believe that you should not use punctuation like exclamation mark. The essay is about proving your point in a particular stand rather than transmitting your emotions.
  3. The length of your essay is within good range. minimum is about 400+ words. I've checked using microsoft word, you have about 500+.
  4. Saw a mistake early in the essay, at the second para "Back in the time before Christ, it as the Greek philosophers... " I think you meant it was rather than it as.
  5. Third para: "Even after the discovery...just as we students arrange out notes." I think you meant our rather than out. The next sentence, it should be scientists, rather than scientist.
  6. Fourth para: "Later however they learnt a valuable lessons" I think you meant lesson rather than it lessons.

Organization: 5. I think the flow is good. I’m able to read without stopping. Did you use the template by Academichacker? Seems similar to the template. My previous essay have only four paragraphs. Advice from @Woandering‌ was that in order to score better, you should have 5 paragraphs.

Diction: 4. Perhaps more SAT vocab?

Supporting Details: 5. I think your examples are fine as they are. Nothing much to pick on.

Grammar: I shall not comment on this particular section. My grammar aren’t good, so better not confuse you.

Thesis: 4. I think your thesis is good, but you can reinforce it even better in your conclusion. Your conclusion doesn’t seem to connect your examples to the thesis. I suggest that you add, “from the examples cited above…”.

Overall: I think it should be 10 or 11 (without the grammar section)

Do let me know if I made mistakes in my analysis of your essay too. Hope it helps and good luck!

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@Woandering‌ ,

Thanks! I will work on that.

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Hey @champj‌

Thanks so much!
I do have a few doubts though…

Diction: I did try to throw in a couple of sat word’s there, but i resisted, thinking it would be jargon. My textbook (Kaplan) , specifically mentions no difficult words or jargon.

Structure: With regard to question on paragraphs, the minimum paragraphs college board recommends, is four, and the maximum is five. Never use more than five or your flow will be disrupted. Less than four and the reader looses track. Although my teach won’t give more than 6 if the essay isn’t five paragraph, I strongly recommend 4 since it saves time. Many sample high scoring essays on college board have 4. Five is okay, but i don’t believe it raises your score, it only wastes time. That why you found errors in my work (I couldn’t proofread.).

Even if we think logically, not even the smartest students can write a five paragraph essay, in 25 minutes, the college board does not expect us to work miracles. 4 paragraphs also provides depth. (Personally i think i could have removed the second example to provide depth for the third.).

The most important point is that the sat values depth, over quantity. As long as your example is deeply developed, and is well chosen, there’s no reason you’ll get below 10 (Even if someones grammar sucks).

Reg. I believe: I understand not to use an exclamation, its kinda weird for this test, but i don’t understand why not to us “I believe”. The essay is about our personal opinion, surely they won’t cut points for trying to share our view. It is an argumentative but a personal one.

I strongly suggest you go through sample essay either of college board or a reputed book like barron’s, princeton, and Kaplan. You will understand all my points then…

Best of luck to you too!

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To a certain extent, I would say that the current sat, not the one that is going to change, requires you use some words that are not ordinarily use. words need not be difficult, just not ordinarily use. I came across some vocab in barron’s book that I thought was not difficult at all.

Well, you don’t have to be smart, you just need to prepare beforehand. I think preparing examples that can fit most prompts will save you a lot of time, hence you will be able to write more. Sadly, the length of your essay does affect your score to a certain extent. Just think of it this way, as a reader, you have about 3 minutes to go through the essay, would you give 10 to an essay that is only a page long or one that is one and a half page long, assuming both essays’ examples are relevant? first impression counts.

I agree that it is hard to write under pressure. If I did not prepare some of the examples beforehand, at most, I will only be able to write about 4 paragraphs.

I believe grammar is important, although some mistakes are inevitable. But having said that, if you make lots of grammatical mistakes in the essay, I believe it will affect your score, but I am not sure to what extent.

I am using barron’s book by the way. I started out with using I believe, but find it a little biased. But I think it all boils down to personal preference. So it should be fine.

I have another essay with four paragraphs, so you might want to help me to take a look at it?
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1746104-please-help-to-grade-my-essay.html?new=1