I think you could have done better, by removing the second example, so you could have developed the first much more. The main fault, however is in the structure. Like the previous guy said only divide paragraphs based on ideas.
Only then will your writing have flow. You could merge the “from this example” into the previous paragraphs, as these seriously break the flow. Apart from the structure and your intro i think its pretty good! Just follow the 4 pargraph formula and you’ll do fine 