I have never been offended when my hair is complimented. I also will educate the person as well. I just had an interaction with a lady at Panera not too long ago.
Her: Ooh I love your curls
Me: thanks! but honey this is a weave
Her: Really, I didnt know, its still cute!
As @Waiting2exhale said its the** TOUCHING**. I was at a restaurant, and a lady walks by and said ooh, I love your hair, and no sooner had I turned around, she had her fingers in my hair. I was livid. She saw absolutely nothing wrong with what she did. Ive literally had to catch people by the wrists midair and say, “dont touch my hair”. I wear my hair natural, so when its out , and when it was long, it was big, and different especially where I live.
My kids came home on a regular telling me about kids touching or wanting to touch their hair at school. It was definitely problem when they were little.
Maybe these are the kinds of conversations we have to have in order to try to understand each others cultural and experiential views. “Love what you’ve done with your hair!” shouldn’t be seen as some kind of racist or condescending comment, really. I can’t imagine that I’ve touched anyone’s hair of any race, but I’m not much of a toucher, myself. I can see how that would be disturbing, since I would not want relative strangers or even casual acquaintances taking that kind of liberty. OTOH, when he bartended people used to ask H all the time if they could pet his hair. (At least they asked, I guess.) I was not aware that people had experiences like partyof5. All we can do is try to educate each other.
I think calling out even small examples is important because it can get people thinking without triggering weird defensiveness. Like, I refer to “racist so-called skin-colored bandaids” and I’m sure there are better examples. Someone who isn’t ready to contemplate intermarriage can laugh and sympathize about bandaids, and the crack begins in the facade.
Also, I think it’s hard to move forward until one really understands his/her own identity.
A fashion blog that I follow uses the expression “nude-for-you” whenever referring to nude-colored shoes, to make the point that there is no one specific color being referenced, but whatever goes with / blends with the wearer’s skin tone.
I can’t think of instances where someone spoke up for me (white woman), but both times I’ve had flat tires it was African American men who helped me change the tire. I didn’t ask for help they just appeared and I was grateful.
I’ve experiencenced some casual, some institutional sexism when I first started working. As a female in what was a traditionally male field, I am surprised that I can’t think of any issues in the last 20 years. No one ever assumes I am the secretary any more.
I see that as much a part of this same discussion as the rest of it, because those positive experiences are also part of what shapes all our views, and the views we want our children to carry forward. OP asked what positive steps she can take. Obviously, if you have a positive experience, she/we may see from that how we might translate that in our own lives.
I don’t believe you should touch anyone for any reason on any part of their body. It’s a total invasion of personal space. I remember when I was pregnant and people I didn’t know felt it was Ok to put their hand on my stomach. Not ok to touch my stomach or my hair.
I never had a stranger put their hands on my pregnant body. If I give off vibes of “don’t touch,” I’m just fine with that. I think that’s appalling and I’d smack their hands away.
This discussion of hair touching is interesting to me. I teach Sunday school to 4 year olds in a large, multi ethnic church. At one point or another, every single girl in my class, and probably one or two of the boys, has asked me to help put their hair back in place, restore a barrette or hair clip, or just get it out if their faces. And when I do, I always pat their sweet little heads and compliment their curls or shine or length or some other aspect of their beauty. It is as natural as breathing to me. It truly does not occur to me that this is Asian or African or European hair. These are just children who need an adult to fix some annoying hair thing.
I can’t imagine randomly touching any adult’s hair, though. That would be weird, not unlike the whole pregnant woman belly touch thing that used to annoy me when I was hugely pregnant with my kids.
This likely won’t surprise @Waiting2exhale or @partyof5 , but my D, with her long, wavy hair had her hair touched far too often in public places such that I had to stop the toucher. The most startling example was in a store when D was about 4, with hair nearly to her waist. This older woman employee FOLLOWED us around, grabbing and touching D’s hair, even after I asked her to stop. I had to remove her hand from D’s ponytail…
I also have a Caucasian D, who as a child had very long strawberry-mixed with gold hair. No one EVER touched her hair, with or without asking permission. Ever. My son had long golden curls as a boy. No one touched HIS hair either. My husband, though, has had both male and female adults touch HIS. Some guy at a football-viewing party as recently as last year rubbed his head for “good luck”.
There is a bizarre fascination with black hair on the part of some white people, complete with all manner of inappropriate touching. I’m sure that’s why even mentioning it can offend.
Hair is just great isn’t it? For all that’s it’s just dead protein.
A mixed race teen boy that I know has grown out his afro. It is very appealing and yes, I do want to touch it. “He gets that a lot”, his mother says. She is white and her hair is very nice but doesn’t inspire the same thing. I used to knit a lot and some hair reminds me of really great yarn and I would have to button my lip and sit on my hands to stop myself from saying, “hey, your hair looks like that great Manos del Uruguay mohair blend!” People would have thought I was nuts. They would have been right!
I have very thick and straight hair and when it was long when I was a child, people would ask to hold my braid. It was so fat it was just satisfying somehow. I always thought those people were a bit strange. ;))
My nephew, who is mixed race, sometimes calls out me, my sister (his mom), or our mom (his grandma) on racist comments. I’m always embarrassed but I’m glad he feels comfortable speaking up.
@greenwitch: "I used to knit a lot and some hair reminds me of really great yarn and I would have to button my lip and sit on my hands to stop myself from saying, ‘hey, your hair looks like that great Manos del Uruguay mohair blend!’ "
Ha, ha, ha! Oh, @greenwitch, I see we have something in common.
Note that this is only for police action after an officer stops someone, rather than the risk of being stopped in the first place, which other research indicates is higher for black people than white people.
Note also that the other types of use of force are far more common than firing a gun, so the sheer volume of such instances creates far more personal experiences with police misconduct:
These studies mention males, but I along with many of my female friends have also had bad encounters with officers for no reason. I will never forget being pulled over in high school. I was on my way to school, and the officer wanted to know what I was doing in that neighborhood. He did not ticket me, because I wasnt doing anything, which made it even worse.
@ucbalumnus - that study only looks at Houston for police firing a gun. For other uses of force, it looks at other cities. I wouldn’t draw any solid overarching conclusions from that data.
Catching up here. Alh: I thought the back and forth articles were very interesting. The comments were a bit discouraging.
I can’t quite figure out, however, what can be done on the ground and by everyday white people like me to change the dynamic once I have acknowledged and accepted that I have white privilege (which i do). I also have the inborn privilege of being bright enough to become college educated and get a decent paying job and so be somewhat economically stable. Once that is acknowledged, now what? Most of the articles I have read basically say listen, accept your privilege and protest. But how do we actively change our society? Someone suggested supporting initiatives like My Brothers Keeper, but others argue that is not the answer because it presumes the black culture needs help. I can do things like chosing to not take a taxi that stops for me if I notice he passed a person of color, but that cabbie will just go pick up the next white passenger. I can vote for people that will fight against racism (but the argument in the articles Alh linked to above is that even our current president is no different than those on the other side of the aisle in his criticism of the culture of poverty so what good is that?), I can write to my legislators, and try to educate those around me. But I don’t have any power, I don’t hire anyone, I am not an educator, the people around me generally share my beliefs (and those that don’t would say they are not racist), my kids have heard and absorbed this message. I have certainly had my share of heated debates about such issues, but have actually stopped, especially at work, because it was just banging my head against the wall.
Having this discussion on CC is to some extent preaching to the choir. The current climate that opposes ending racism seems especially strong among those that feel economically powerless and seem to want to blame some “other”. Those who perhaps feel that in their particular situation being white has afforded them no power, no economic advantage, and no ability to climb out of their own cycle of poverty. Those are the people that need to understand that while all that may be true, the message about white privilege still applies, much more than those reading CC or the Atlantic Monthly. And also, perhaps, there needs to be some understanding of how a lack of educational and economic privilege among some white people makes it difficult to accept that message and work for change.
I lived in the Philippines as a child and had long strawberry blond hair. I rarely went out in public without having my hair touched and I hated it Feeling like a curiosity is not an enjoyable experience for anyone.