<p>Maybe set college issues aside for now, and wait until you and your son have some clarity on what happened, and why. Senioritis is different than getting an F because you’re afraid of the changes that come with graduating and going to college. Both are different from getting an F because you don’t have the project management maturity. Or depression. Or an unhealthy involvement with video gaming. Or breakup with a girlfriend. Or depression. Or being the victim of an assault or abuse. Or…</p>
<p>OP - College may or may not happen. You are wise to accept that. But hang in there, and help him sort through things… if he gets to the point of accepting help. It’s possible that root cause of the school problems could be something that impacts all life (depression, etc). not just school.</p>
<p>OP, as a parent of a GATE child who gave us more gray hairs than I can count due to his lack of academic follow-through, I truly sympathize. We reasoned, screamed, cried, begged, guilted, bribed… you name it. I’m with you. What I really, really encourage you to do is take a deep breath and DO NOT CATASTROPHIZE. I say this as a veteran worst-case-scenario thinker. I have learned that this thinking isn’t helpful, nor is it reality. He probably won’t go to a UC or competitive college this fall. Okay. It doesn’t mean he is condemned to a life working at McDonalds. </p>
<p>Let’s look at the facts. He failed two courses. As others have pointed out, he is alive so the situation can be worked with. He is definitely telling you something though we can’t yet figure out what. He most probably is not yet ready to go away to college. He might need to speak to his counselor about what he needs to do to graduate. His first task is to get through high school because he might not have enough credits unless he makes them up. He needs a plan. (If he doesn’t graduate, the GED is an option, followed by two years of a cc. Worse things have happened to people.)</p>
<p>My second big piece of advice is, let him own his own education. Our DS got a fire in his belly when we told him he had choices. We would pay for a full-time education, but if he wasn’t going at least to a community college full-time, we were not going to be supporting him. His options if he didn’t go to school were to live at home and pay us rent from a full-time job, or move out. His choice entirely, but we absolutely meant it and he knew it. </p>
<p>We backed off COMPLETELY. We did not ask him his grades, telling him it was his decision whether or not he graduated and whether or not he went to college. Our sum total involvement in his college application process was entering our credit card number when he needed the fee paid. That’s it. We also didn’t warn him of dire consequences if he didn’t go. We told him we were looking forward to seeing his decision. </p>
<p>It was hard to let him stay in bed on school mornings, knowing he’d be late to class and possibly not graduate. I learned to not say a word. This might not be the right approach for every child, but it did work in our case. DS was oppositional enough that, at some level, he wanted his successes and failures to be his own, and when we were pushing him toward success he dug in his heels to show us he was independent. When we gave him the reins, he felt treated as an independent adult, and he did step up to the plate. He’ll graduate this December, with far better grades than he ever made in high school. </p>
<p>I suspect DS was also partly driven by fear. Initially, he was afraid to go to college but when he realized we would make him pay rent, it became scarier to think of having to support himself. So he chose school.</p>
<p>Remember, some kids need a little more time to mature. It’s okay. A couple of years of community college may be just what he needs.</p>
<p>It may also be relevant whether his performance in other courses has dropped, compared to previous performance. I.e. that may hint as to whether the problem is a general one, or specific to those courses.</p>
<p>After taking a deep breath, I know that things could be alot, lot worse. I lost my dad the week I graduated from high school, so I know all about keeping things in perspective.But after 17 years of hoping to see him finally graduate and go to college, its like the rug was just pulled out and this was all just some sick twisted joke.
So I think now we’re going to take a weekend off and go ski/snowboard and have snowball fights, and talk about things other than college. We want to find out what’s going on inside of him. He’s not the most outgoing person in the world, and he really keeps to himself, so like some of you mentioned, there are signs we probably missed somewhere. In these last few months of SAT’s, applications, essays, transcripts, interviews, visits, all we talked about was college, and where he was going to go, and we pretty much neglected the fact that there’s still this kid in there who isn’t really sure what is going on. I think we know now that all isn’t lost but there’s still a long way to go.
I also want to thank all of you for your responses; I really didn’t know what to expect when I first posted, so I really appreciate all the help , and I hope I can return the favor someday</p>
<p>Does he know colleges will rescind approvals for bad senior year grades? Has he heard that from someone other than his parents? Call his guidance counselor and ask if he/she will have a little chat with him. Been there/done that. GC says she has about 50 or so of these chats with seniors every year.</p>
<p>I wasn’t going to respond – lots of good input already – but I read OPs comment and wanted to say, hey , don’t be so hard on yourself. There may have been signs your son wasn’t ready to give, too. Here is a chance to have the “what’s up with all this?” conversation.</p>
<p>The “tough love” and “let them sink” strategies did not work for us. What did help was stressing to him that all was not lost, life is long and full of choices, and we are always on his side. I function as his executive coach from a distance and that works for us; his management skills are weak and will not improve. Everybody’s path is not the same. When S1 was discovered to have fabricated an entire year of college (such a long story) and withdrew for testing and evals, I knew it was a catastrophe. People told me it really wasn’t. I thought they were deluded. Here we are a mere year later – he has a good job in his field of choice, has passed 3 re-entry classes with flying colors and is taking 3 more. He might even graduate from college which I was sure was impossible. Which is not to say it’s all rosy and happy, but today is a good day. He is my hero, actually. </p>
<p>Good luck. You are a good mom, to be so supportive and worried. Have some fun, and don’t be afraid to jump into the unknown, as long as you do it together.</p>
<p>OP - but for the grace of God go I. And when you are in the thick of it I know it feels like the end of the world. It’s a big deal, and you’ve planned for the past 17 years for this. So while for him it’s just one semester, for you, it’s your hopes and dreams for him and you obviously want the best for him and a straight, clear path of happiness. </p>
<p>This doesn’t mean anything enormous, but it doesn’t mean nothing. It’s somewhere in between. It doesn’t even mean college is off the table for him for next year. But at some point he needs to step up and take responsibility. Maybe a conversation with the gc on his options. He hasn’t blown his life and he isn’t doomed to roam the planet unfocused and unsuccessful. </p>
<p>The weekend off sounds like a good plan for all of you. You are all more than his college admissions.</p>
<p>You need to address the ? of how a kid who got a 2190 could get 2 F’s?? He would have had to get an F in both marking periods. What did you say to him at end of first marking period? Seems to me a kid with your son’s scores would have to try to get an F. There has to be more to this story.</p>
<p>I can only imagine, as we were in a similar situation. My son was so done with high school that getting up to go to classes was really painful for him.</p>
<p>Your son is obviously highly capable, yet is facing some roadblocks as he is nearing the finish line. I would recommend scheduling a conference with his guidance counselor and the two teachers; face-to-face is ideal. I would like to think that the teachers would have a little sympathy and would not want to jeopardize his future because of the current grades in their classes, especially if they see that he had stellar grades up until now (not to mention stellar SAT scores). Ask if there is anything that he can do to bring up the grades and maybe they would agree to giving him incompletes on his midyear report. </p>
<p>Of course this is something that your son has to agree is worth pursuing, but I would not give up. Explore all the options.</p>
<p>Perhaps your son is not ready for college, but I have a different experience. My own son was ready to give up on school and confessed that not going to college was an option; however, he muddled through and is now a very happy freshman. There are definitely some classes that he can do without, but just being around motivated classmates, who love math as much as he does, has really been a blessing. Based on your son’s enjoyment of CTY and computer science, I think that he can also find contentment and joy in college where he can focus on the subject that he is really interested in. </p>
<p>I wish you quality time with your son this weekend. Also, sending lots of luck and peace as you try to get through this disappointing time.</p>
<p>I cannot say enough for taking a Gap year. Taking a Gap Year with a college admissions already done and a plan for after the year is even better. Not allowing a kid to drift during that year but forcing a non-academic, service oriented or job oriented plan is even better. </p>
<p>Some kids are just burned out and not ready to start college, even if they are very bright. A lot of growing up can happen during a Gap Year, and if a family can find a way to allow the kid to spread his wings while out of the house, then that can be a tremendous growth experience. </p>
<p>Let the growing happen BEFORE college grades are at stake. Let a college freshman be motivated to succeed, not a reluctant student because that is what everyone else is doing.</p>
<p>However, a gap year won’t erase the F grades on the high school transcript, which will severely limit the colleges he can get into as a freshman.</p>
<p>If he becomes motivated, then the community college and transfer route is likely to improve the choices of four year schools he can transfer to compared to those he can get into as a freshman.</p>
<p>Anyway, I think we’re getting back in the saddle after a pretty rough weekend.
DS and all of us had a long talk that stretched out over 2 days and it basically boiled down to him not really taking responsibility for this whole process.
The reason for the 2 F’s was he submitted a major paper in English(worth 30% of grade) in the wrong format - he used Open Office and didn’t save it as a Word doc, and in video production, he did a similar thing - teacher requested final project in one format and he did it in another.He also admitted to not really giving his best effort on other assignments in these classes , so he was already in C/D territory without these major projects. They were the last straw as far as his grades went.
So basically he wasn’t paying attention to details. He wanted to blame the teachers for not making it clear how they wanted the projects done, so we asked him if any other students had the same problem, to which he replied that he didn’t think so.
Well at least he was being honest about it - at this point we take our victories when we can, but now its really up to the teachers involved as to whether they want to give him a second chance.
But we’re staying completely out of it and leaving it totally up to him as to whether he wants to contact the teachers and see if he can make it up. We made it really clear that if he doesn’t get into college this year, he has two choices -
If he’s really serious about transferring to a college in a couple years, he better get moving on enrolling in our local CC for Fall. If he goes this route and maintains his grades(at least a 3.0), we’ll help him out financially, but he’ll need a PT job to help pay for at least some expenses, like car insurance and food.
If he hasn’t enrolled in a CC by Fall, then he has to start paying rent/utilities/car insurance/food,… i.e., everything , which means a full time job. </p>
<p>He understands, and I think its beginning to sink in that he regrets not taking more responsibility earlier. But we’ll see.
DD, who is 16, sees what is happening now and I hope she realizes that if she goes the same route as her brother, she’ll be facing the same consequences.</p>
<p>I am really sorry to hear about the troubles you are facing. And I hate to feel like I’m throwing fuel on the fire. But as far as the UC schools go, he can’t just wait until this summer when they see his final transcripts.
This is also a chance to offer an explanation, such as it may be. Getting F’s is a serious matter, but assuming he still has an interest in attending a UC campus then I suggest he work with his HS counselor in drafting this letter. I have no personal knowledge about what may happen, but perhaps there is a chance that he can work something out with regards to taking make-up classes over the summer. Something to look into with the GC’s help.</p>
<p>While I’m no professional, it might be worth having him screened for depression. And for drug use.</p>
<p>This is really a tough situation. Best of luck to your son.</p>
<p>There is a nasty rumor that spreads thought the senior classes that the teachers will cut seniors a lot of slack. Maybe they do cut a little bit of slack as they are aware of senioritus, but their concerns about kids getting into colleges do not override their responsibilities to see that students are doing the work required. And there are the kids who are, like the “Engine Who Could” who did not do so well in earlier years working their way up that fihal year. </p>
<p>I would ask for a conference with the GC at the school and see if there is more to the story and if there is anything that can be done. The dark side of senioritus is that also often comes with depression and anxiety. Sometimes kids need a bit of help.</p>
<p>All,
Its been awhile but there’s been some movement, so here goes:
DS actually went to GC and had long talk, then he talked to us. He went to see both teachers and the English teacher is willing to take Semester paper and give partial credit, while video Arts teacher will also allow partial credit for late project. So more than likely two F’s can turn into C’s, at best.
While not great, its small leap forward over having two F’s show up!
DS also took initiative and called admission offices of UC’s and explained situation - they said as long as grades are C or above, its not a major factor in decision making process.
So to any other parents out there who are on this roller coaster, or see signs of it coming, there may be hope.
We’re still not sure what brought this all on, he’s still not really open about that, but he is waking up and taking action.
But now we’ll have to be a little more cognizant of the warning signs, because we don’t want to go down this path again if/when he does go away to school.</p>
<p>I know I’ve written this before, but thanks to all for your replies/advice/stories , everything. It saved me from losing it!!</p>
<p>I’m so glad you updated. Two projects are not worth throwing away your future nor should it wipe out your past efforts. </p>
<p>I know I wanted to kill my son senior year - he’d wait til the last day to hand in all his physics homework and was feeling over high school. He also has the horrible habit of trying in classes he likes and giving himself a pass on the ones he doesn’t. </p>
<p>Part of college is maturing, learning that mom and dad won’t be bailing you out, it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself, etc. I swear that has been my sons biggest leap this year, his classes were almost a side issue. j</p>
which I was sure was impossible. Which is not to say it’s all rosy and happy, but today is a good day. He is my hero, actually. </p>