I would give this a 5 out of 6 because I think that your structure and examples are all great, but I do agree with @WasatchWriter 's point that although you do answer the needing other people part, you don’t quite answer the “understanding ourselves” part (like just a tiny bit in the third paragraph but that’s it). So next time, make sure that you respond to every part of the prompt and you’ll do great!
Rate mine please in exchange? http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1725754-grade-comment-on-my-practice-sat-essay-please.html
I’m taking it in January too! Good luck to you!