<p>hey, I’d love to read it</p>
<p>email - <a href="mailto:imevil555■■■■■■.com">imevil555■■■■■■.com</a></p>
<p>no one has commented on it… =(</p>
<p>pm it to me so i can read it! :)</p>
<p>email it to me at <a href="mailto:musuko1230■■■■■■■■■■■■">musuko1230■■■■■■■■■■■■</a> =]</p>
<p>I think it’s a good essay.</p>
<p>You brought up your voice into the essay and made essay itself to become stronger.</p>
<p>Writer’s own voice is the most important thing for college essay =]</p>
<p>Oh. Well, in that case…</p>
<p><a href="mailto:chinawomanxie@yahoo.com">chinawomanxie@yahoo.com</a></p>
<p>Hi! I read your essay. </p>
<p>It was quite good! 
It shows your ability to write at a college level: the grammar, the vocabulary, the content. Not to mention, I also liked some of the humor that you injected (the “zero” reference made me chuckle).</p>
<p>Well, don’t take these criticisms too harshly. I could, in fact, be wrong at times, and some of the comments are just suggestions that aren’t necessary, but just things that would have made it more clear to me as a reader. Well, here goes: </p>
<p>“My mom said it was for the best, she wanted me to have the best education that I could get, but I wasn’t so sure.”
Run-on sentence. How about a colon or a semi-colon after best instead of a comma? A comma is not strong enough to set apart two independent clauses. Also, I have a suggestion–but you need not take it. How about putting “…” before the “but”? It might add some more flavor to the piece. </p>
<p>“I was a stranger to everything and especially everyone that was now in my house, we were having a house warming party and all the men, women, and children were laughing while I was lamenting on our recent ascension into the unknown.”
Hmmm. There is a run-on sentence here. Replace the comma before “we” with a period. </p>
<p>“The jocular mood that surrounded me meant nothing to me, all their jokes about politics, scandals, and current events replayed in my mind years later as I read The Great Gatsby.”
Run-on sentence. Try replacing the comma with a period. You can do either that, or you could just insert a “but” after the comma. </p>
<p>“That treasonous act alone ranks in my top-five list of most treasonous acts”
I found that treasonous was redundant. Try deleting the first “treasonous.” It will run the sentence quicker and make it more smooth. Also, the “as well” after WWII adds some unnecessary length to the sentence, in my opinion. </p>
<p>“but it wasn’t ginger ale as I had hoped, it was seltzer.”
I liked this part a lot. However, there was a run-on sentence. There should be something else after “hoped.” How about replacing the comma with a dash? Dashes are oh-so dramatic. Adding one would create a pregnant pause in this instance, preparing the reader for something unexpected. So it would read like this: “as I had hoped—it was seltzer.”</p>
<p>**“Nasty in a can.” **
Nothing wrong here. I just wanted to point out that I liked this. Short, sweet, and humorous.</p>
<p>**“The laughs in my background only aggravated the taste in my mouth, I was grumpy and almost nothing” **
Run-on sentence. Try replacing the comma with a period or a semi-colon.</p>
<p>“:the local movie theater where I saw Titanic, the school playground at PS 102 where we ran in circles, the small but cozy red house we lived in and painted, and all the unforgettable memories.”
Although who the “we” is might be implied, you might want to include something more specific than just “we” if there is a distinction in the reference between the first and second pronoun.</p>
<p>**“I was stripped of the things that I loved and I was forced to sit with my eyebrows furrowed equivocating on the pros and cons of running away and the only reason that this day meant so much to me is because I found something.” **
Add a comma after “running away” because an “and” is not strong enough to separate the two independent clauses.</p>
<p>**“A boy with a golden-bowl haircut that gilded the top portion of his head walked in a systematic manner towards me, I didn’t notice him until his feet were but inches away from mine, his hands were at his sides and on his shoulder were his mother’s pale hands.” **
Let’s snip this into three sentences. The sentence before this one was quite fat. If we have two short sentences, we’ll add some variety to this piece (after all, variety is the spice of life). So, let’s replace the first and second commas with periods.</p>
<p>**“He said “hello” to me, and in retrospect it was the greatest hello I had ever heard – this was of course before I saw Jerry Maguire.” **
I just wanted to say that I liked this part—made me laugh.</p>
<p>**“It was simply the most paradisaical beginning of a friendship I could think of, we became best friends and he was the kid across the street.” **
Run-on sentence. Replace the comma with a semi-colon, and insert a comma right before the “and.”</p>
<p>“To this day he is still my friend, and I apologize to the U-Haul truck that I treated so odiously during the move.”
Oops! You probably just were typing so quickly that you forgot to put a “him” after “treated.”</p>
<p>“I was able to discover through the vector of Sam that I wasn’t my environment; I had not found a pretentious new society of be a part of, but rather…”
Do you mean “I wasn’t my OWN environment”? If not, then I am not so sure what this sentence is trying to say.</p>
<p>**“I wasn’t the indifferent boy that found reproach in the orgiastic wood, I was the boy in the water-gun fight on a summer day, I was the boy singing along to the pop songs in the back of the car, I was the boy out there doing something.” **
How about a colon, or a period, or a semi-colon after “day” instead of a comma? Otherwise, it would be a run-on sentence. </p>
<p>“I sincerely couldn’t even begin to think where I would be in the next ten or twenty years, but I can guarantee that I won’t be sitting on a couch eating a tub of ice cream, I will be out there looking for my next Great Perhaps.”
I like this sentence. It concludes the essay excellently in my opinion. But there is just one little issue with it. There is yet another run-on sentence. How about a final theatrical DASH instead of the comma? That will really cinch this piece up and make it final.</p>
<p>You have a problem with run-on sentences. I suggest reading a lesson on this (online or from a grammar book?). It’s no biggie. I am sure you will catch on quickly because I can tell from your essay that you are very intelligent.</p>
<p>Now, there are over 800 words in your essay. Isn’t 500 words usually the limit for college essays? If so, then I’d begin paring down on this essay. I know, I know. It’s difficult to part with your well-thought-out sentences and awesome vocabulary choices, but if the limit is 500 words, then it must be done. Respond back to me with the limit, actually. I am quite curious to know!</p>
<p>And lastly, the vocabulary was superior. I liked it, but it became so florid that sometimes I felt it drowned out your voice. It began to sound somewhat artificial and thesaurus-ed. I know this all too well because I had the same problem my freshman year. I could be wrong, however. If you talk like this on a regular basis, then feel free to leave it. But if you don’t then you might want to consider changing the wording. Make it YOU.</p>
<p><em>Phew</em> That took a long time. This was my first essay edit on CC; no one ever sends me their essays! But thanks so much for being the first to send. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your essay, and I enjoyed getting to know your writing style. I hope that I will be able to read some more college essays later on this forum…if you liked my critique, perhaps put in a good word for me?</p>
<p>See you later, and I hope I helped at least a little.</p>
<p>i’ll read it over. email at <a href="mailto:chi.sha@gmail.com">chi.sha@gmail.com</a></p>
<p>any other takers?</p>
<p>I was young but I remember exactly how I felt when I said goodbye to Joe, Tom, and Elmhurst; everything was over, as if I had divided by zero. My mom said that she wanted me to have the best education possible, but I wasn’t so sure. I was exiled to a house of wooden orgies encasing all of the rooms, and each hallway was like a vein in the intricate circulatory system stemming out little rooms that were of forestry origins as well. From the exterior it was a truly grand home that smelled of grand aspirations as well: the quaint wooden features, the gold-silk curtains, and the frictionless marble kitchen floor; but I was a stranger to everything, especially everyone that was now in my house; we were having a house-warming party and I was lamenting on my recent ascension into the unknown. I glided to the snack table and reluctantly ate what seemed to be a meat-clad sandwich so that I could fulfill my carnivorous fantasies, but it wasn’t; it was an eggplant sandwich! The eggplant fiasco ranks in my list of most treasonous acts; right below Benedict Arnold during the Revolutionary war. I grabbed the nearest Canadian Dry can to quell the incessant thumping of the insidious taste in my mouth, but it wasn’t ginger ale as I had hoped, it was seltzer. Nasty in a can. The background laughs only aggravated the taste in my mouth; I was grumpy and almost nothing could have said otherwise. I had left my best friends and everything I loved as a nine-year-old boy: the decayed movie theater, the PS 102 school playground, and all the unforgettable memories. I was stripped of those things sat with my furrowed eyebrows equivocating on the pros and cons of running away; however, that day would have a wonderful turn of events. A boy with a golden-bowl haircut walked systematically towards me; I didn’t notice him until he was inches away. He said “hello” to me, and in retrospect it was the greatest hello I had ever heard – this was of course before I saw Jerry Maguire. It was simply the most paradisiacal beginning of a friendship I could think of; I had I found Francois Rabelais’s “Great Perhaps” in a shy, freckled boy and I apologize to the U-Haul truck that I treated so odiously during the move. This event changed everything I knew; I missed my friends from Elmhurst, but I don’t ever regret leaving. I was able to discover through the vector of Sam that I wasn’t my environment; I had not found a pretentious society, but rather something genuine. I had made a discovery that trumped anything Columbus, Verrazano, and Magellan had ever found. This single event changed me into the optimist I am today; I now hope that good things will come despite how they may seem. I sincerely couldn’t even begin to think where I would be in the next ten years, but I can guarantee that I won’t be sitting on a couch eating a tub of ice cream – I will be out there looking for my next Great Perhaps.</p>
<p>Is my point too weak or not focused enough?</p>
<p>I’m most likely applying Brown ED btw</p>
<p>I’ll read it. <a href="mailto:chiehhan@gmail.com">chiehhan@gmail.com</a>.</p>
<p>???</p>
<p>if you need more help still…you can pm me</p>
<p>ok…pm me</p>
<p>whoops sorry…wrong post…grrr…one day i’ll get the hang of computers…lol</p>
<p>i’ll read it.</p>
<p>I’ll read it, PM me. :)</p>
<p>are you a rising senior and working on your application? Me too but I don’t know where to start. I need a plan. What’s your plan so far?</p>