<p>Your respect for your family comes through, which is a strength of your essay; you are not rejecting their views in a knee-jerk way, but are really struggling. </p>
<p>I would shorten the section on your baptism and just give one or two sentences on the fact that you were baptized as an infant and then, because of your grandfather’s views, obliged to attend the RCIA classes, which provoked a crisis in you. </p>
<p>Now you have space to zero in on your own process of questioning and reflection, which I think you need to develop more carefully, because it is the heart of the essay. Since this particular deacon sounds like he’s on the conservative end of things, I would consider bringing alive in your essay a couple of the discussions and arguments you had with him. Right now you are tossing out a bunch of interesting questions, but it comes across more as a kind of verbal salad than a dialogue. You will create more tension by presenting it as a dialogue. It needn’t be long; think in terms of that song “You say tomayto, I say tomahto.” </p>
<p>Also be sure to check your facts; I am not a Catholic but was surprised to see your question about evolution, and when I checked, I did discover that as I believed, unlike some other denominations the Catholic church is not against evolution: <a href=“Catholic.net - Catholics on the net”>Catholic.net - Catholics on the net; </p>
<p>Reading The Lovely Bones is the turning-point in your essay. Play that up. Give us a quote or something that clearly demonstrates what it was about that book that resonated with you. </p>
<p>Your last sentence, about how you will teach your own children, is tantalizing; I would want to hear you state a little more specifically what you imply about how you will do things differently with them than was done for you, i.e. a general statement that you will respect their right to doubt or come to an individual decision. </p>
<p>This essay is interesting and has a lot of potential. Just slow it all down a bit so we really connect with your struggle. And do be very careful that you use correct English throughout.</p>