<p>Your sister sounds like she is the one who needs the most support here. I would suggest that you be there for her.</p>
<p>Good point. </p>
<p>Maybe the parents would appreciate the aunt and uncle using their influence to explain to these kids that they might be wasting their time and money at a college that many jobs won’t recognize. </p>
<p>We don’t know what careers these students are preparing for, but if the careers require degrees from accredited colleges, this is all a waste of time. </p>
<p>I think the aunt and uncle should talk to the parents and ask if there’s anything they can do…such as use their influence to explain to the girls the risk in getting a degree without accreditation.</p>
<p>Why do the parents not want the daughters supported? How are the girls paying for college? Are the girls welcome back home? I’m curious because if you paid for their tickets back home, it would make sense that they were welcome at home. Or maybe that is what the problem is, that they are not.</p>
<p>You don’t have to give money to the girls. You can give gifts and gift cards. </p>
<p>Sometimes there is a reason why parents don’t want their kids to get money or gifts. Is it possible that there is a good reason here? I’ve known well meaning relatives prolong misery in situations by supporting them. Also, sometimes the money goes to causes that the family does not want to support. Hard to know if there is any of that happening.</p>
<p>Agree with not undermining parents and their children. However- these children are now adults. </p>
<p>I now have a good relationship with a niece that was not possible while she was a child- her mother considered me the bad guy and wouldn’t let them talk to us. It began when I wouldn’t loan her money to pay off her credit card debts so they could get a mortgage (I had told them I would help out with a down payment)- keeping it a secret from her husband, my brother. There was an uncomfortable scene at my long-widowed father’s place once when we unexpectedly visited him from out of town and she with 2 of her kids stopped by with something- horrible to see them stand there afraid to interact with their cousin. I regret that I couldn’t have had a positive influence on the kids and college paths through advice and financial help (they all survived their military experiences, thankfully). I was a godmother to one of their sons before all of this- because I may have been the rich aunt? Not much in common with the sons, apathy the reason for not much contact now. We didn’t go the distance for religious or school events although invited, not a nasty relationship but one of not being close enough to bother. My brother and I are very different people.</p>
<p>That said- the accreditation issue is a big one. Do you also support their religious beliefs? You are supporting both with your generous financial aid. Are you inadvertently undermining their futures? Perhaps it doesn’t matter if their intent is finding a proper husband (by attending a school where their beliefs take precedence over academics) and not using their college degree for working. But then their spouse won’t have an accredited degree, either…</p>
<p>Or is the ability to return home a positive way of not totally losing them from the family? Will this pay off in later years, possibly influencing their views and leaving the door open for a better relationship with their parents?</p>
<p>*Aren’t there plenty of accredited church related colleges for almost every Bible based religion? *</p>
<p>Very likely. </p>
<p>That’s why I think the aunt and uncle should talk to the parents to find out what their issues are.</p>
<p>Is their issue that this is a “bible college”? </p>
<p>Is their issue that it isn’t accredited? </p>
<p>is their concern that they don’t want their kids going out of state? </p>
<p>If their issue is that the school isn’t accredited, then that is a valid concern and if these parents want this aunt and uncle to use their influence to get the girls to go to an accredited college (bible or otherwise), then that is probably a good thing.</p>
<p>The parents may be concerned that after graduation, these girls will have big debt and no employment abilities and then they will become a burden for the parents. That is a valid concern.</p>
<p>and think it is petty and cruel. And if it is true, then why are you so concerned about keeping good relations with them? Give your hard-earned money to whomever you please, for whatever reason YOU think is good enough, and let your wife’s sister bite rocks.</p>
<p>Now, my concern for the nieces: Are they brainwashed or something? Why else would someone waste their money to attend an unaccredited religious college?</p>
<p>The OP said that the mother is his wife’s sister, and his wife is the one who wants to support the nieces.</p>
<p>I say, OP, stay out of it! There is much more here than the nieces, the choice of school, etc. This issue is between your wife and her sister. You are in a no-win situation. Either your wife or your sister-in-law will be angry with you.</p>
<p>The only response you can have is to say to your wife, “Dear, I love you, and I will support wholeheartedly whatever you decide to do.” Then kiss her and go away!</p>
<p>There’s much more going on between sisters than meets the eye.</p>
<p>True that this is really an issue between the sisters. But, that doesn’t mean that the this guy’s wife can’t ask what the real concern is. </p>
<p>And, if the concern is that the school is a source of big debt and a waste of time because it’s not accredited, then THAT is the issue that the aunt might be able to HELP her sister with.</p>
<p>I think the OP is in a no win situation. Is the OP in the same church as her nieces and the parents aren’t? I really don’t see how giving gift cards is much different than giving cash and the parents might not approve of this either. It seems like most people are saying don’t send the nieces money. What if the situation were reversed? What if the nieces wanted to attend MIT and the parents were insisting that they go to “unaccredited bible college” and the aunt’s money could help them remain at MIT? Would people say they should attend the bible college? I definitely would not help a relative with tuition for any unaccredited college. Would I help them with expenses such as ticket home paid directly to the airline? Probably.</p>
<p>I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments and questions.</p>
<p>To fill in a few blanks. Although the parents would like the girls to be closer to home, their main issue is the fact that the school is not accredited. They feel the girls are just wasting four years of their lives. I agree that there are probably better options for them and my wife and I talked with the older one when she decided to attend this school. We pointed out the shortcomings of getting a degree from a non-accredited school and suggested ways she could meet her goal of serving God and still get a “real” degree. We even went so far as to research the leadership of some national faith based organizations and pointed out to her that these people got degress in all kinds of different fields from many different colleges. Her rebuttal was that she was doing what God wants her to do. Case closed. The fact is none us know how this will turn out for them, they could go on to live happy and productive lives. </p>
<p>As to the cost, they both have scholarships which cover tuition, room and most of their meals. They use summer job earnings to pay for books, supplies, travel and personal expenses.</p>
<p>To the comment about going around their parents backs. If my wife decides to continue helping her nieces (her side of the family, her decision) I will tell my brother in law what we are doing. I don’t sneak around to do anything.</p>
<p>You have given them very good and sound advise. It sounds like your nieces are under the very strong influence of their faith. I can’t really speak to that and I don’t want to judge. If their expenses are paid then at least there is no worry of debt. </p>
<p>There is value in a young person being able to fully experience the weight of their choices. There may exist a true growth opportunity for the girls in figuring out how to manage their lives and how to get home. The school may even give them a travel allowance.</p>
<p>Tread carefully here; even if your nieces are truly grateful and appreciative of your help now…if this pushes your wife’s relationship with her sister off the cliff, the nieces, as time goes on, will find it increasingly difficult (and painful) to maintain a relationship with you and your wife over the bitter feelings and resentment of their own mother. More likely than not, if and when push comes to shove, they will remain loyal to her and possibly become estranged from you. I’ve seen it happen.</p>
<p>Post 332- the nieces are unlikely to choose the mother who punishes them for their choice over the relative who understands even while disagreeing with the choice. Nothing to lose. Only give money you expect no return from- as they say, you can’t buy love. Do what you feel is the right thing to do- and without hiding it. Keep your own ethics/morals/principals. It is hard for parents to see kids not meeting their expectations/hopes/dreams. Don’t worry about sibling relationships. Your relationship with your spouse is the one that matters, concern yourself with meshing philosophies. A loving spouse means a lot more than maintaining ties from childhood.</p>
<p>Sounds like these sisters have things pretty well in hand. I have no problem with little gifts for the nieces, but there seems to be no reason for you to support them in school to the tune of $1,500 a year, especially when your sister has asked you not to.</p>
<p>I personally think the sister has to “move on.” She doesn’t have a financial hold on these kids obviously, or she could just refuse to pay for college. The kids have made it clear in their actions that they are committed to going to this school. Trying to make their lives difficult financially hasn’t worked. She should just admit that she has lost this battle and quit trying to fight it. All it will do is alienate her kids with no upside potential.</p>
Oh, I disagree, and I’ve seen similar events in my own family. Children often end up “siding” with parents who are feuding with others in the family…even when the parents have treated them much worse than the ones in this thread. There’s a strong tendency toward loyalty from kids to parents when there are family feuds, even when the parents have not always treated the kids well. Often those ties bind stronger and deeper than those between nieces and aunts/uncles, no matter how benevolent the latter.</p>
I agree with this.
These nieces are ADULTS. How far can their parents go in orchestrating their lives?
I don’t think their parents have a “right” to ask you to refrain from helping them. They are not 12 years old. Think about this - if the parents are so controlling now; when will it end? Will they stop you from buying a wedding gift? Housewarming present? Baby gifts?</p>
<p>Give what you are willing and able without any expectation of return. This is unconditional love. It’s nice these girls have someone in their lives who loves and supports them.</p>
Then God will provide them the money they need. I know that sounds harsh, but that additional fact puts me on the side of those who say that you shouldn’t go against the parents’ wishes.</p>
<p>Edited to add: On further reflection, I think there is probably another character (or group of characters) left out of this story–whoever is telling these girls that it is God’s will for them to attend this unacredited college. Let that person support them.</p>
<p>I think I have a very different perspective than many on here.</p>
<p>Adults - parents, relatives, friends- do not have a right to tell adults how they should behave or treat someone else. Friends may have a riff, a parent may have a problem with a child, a child might have a problem with a relative and so on. It is their right to act how they choose to act with the person in conflict…what is not healthy or appropriate is for them to ask or expect other adults to join the battle and behave a certain way with said person. This is where you get the “well if you let her come to the wedding, I’m not coming” and “if you talk to so-and-so then you are not my friend anymore” and on and on. It’s dysfunctional and ridiculous. </p>
<p>Your sister obviously has a problem with her daughters choices and would like to gain control by withholding. It’s her choice to do so (though it seems mighty dysfunctional to me). But your sister does not have a right to bring you into the fold and expect you to play along. It is not at all appropriate. </p>
<p>It’s your money, the kids are independent adults. You can and should choose to have the relationship you want to have with them and as you say, there is nothing to hide. If your sister has a problem with it, I think it’s your sister’s issue to work out, not yours.</p>
<p>If the issue is that it is non-accredited, won’t it already be difficult enough for them? It seems to me the parents should be more willing to be supportive because these girls’ journey is already going to be tough. Personally, I know I went through something semi-similar with my mom, so I understand both sides. My freshman year at XU (not a cheap school to attend) I was considering changing my major from pre-med to education, and my mom did not approve. I saw her point that it would be tough to pay off my costs for college at somewhere so expensive on a teacher’s salary, and I did not make that switch. It seems like your neices are following what they want, and more power to them for that; it’s difficult and scary, particularly once you get to senior year and graduation is looming.</p>