In my experience, the folks who judge (or at least don’t seem to understand) are the ones with a 90 year old parent who is learning to ski because last year’s scuba diving lessons were so successful.
I don’t begrudge ANYONE health or long life. But I have noticed a tinge of judgement by those who haven’t actually had to manage/make decisions/take care of/PAY FOR the care of a rapidly declining loved one. After one parent’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, I cannot count the number of friends, acquaintances, colleagues who would send me the famous nun study (apparently, nuns who did crossword puzzles were diagnosed at a lower rate than those who did not).
Nobody wanted to grapple with the reality that a champion bridge player with a photographic memory who had published several complex works of non-fiction (written in not the first, not the second, not the third-- but the FOURTH language) and had won major awards for those works-- could POSSIBLY have Alzheimer’s just because there were no crossword puzzles sitting around.
And the judgement continues through treatment (a friend actually suggested a “quick” trip to Mexico because there’s a clinic there doing great things with herbs) and the inevitable decline and decision-making. Anyone who has gone through it does the secret handshake (a tip of the head to acknowledge how hellacious it all is). Anyone with the parent who is cruising the Adriatic and blogging about it while wearing designer leisure wear doesn’t understand the quest for clothing which is machine washable, fits over incontinence products but doesn’t look bulky, and can be taken off/put on when someone is seated in a wheelchair and cannot manipulate their own limbs.
Hugs to you (and the secret head nod). You sound like exactly the person who should be making these decisions for a loved one. Kudos to you for your kindness and bravery.