<p>I got a wedding invitation recently with 3 registry cards inside. It struck me the wrong way.</p>
<p>For our wedding, my aunt gave us a Lenox china fruit bowl with strawberries on it. It wasn’t something we registered for, but it is so pretty. I have always had it out somewhere in our home. Here’s to originality!</p>
<p>I have a friend who always gives a piggy bank (a really nice one) as a baby gift when the occasion arises. I think that’s really smart to have an unusual gift that you can get every time without stopping to think what to get.</p>
<p>A friend invited to our wedding told me that she never bought presents from the registry because it was so unoriginal and lacked the personal touch. 8 years later, when she was getting married, she complained to me about people who didn’t buy presents off of the registry. I nodded sympathetically, and chuckled to myself.</p>
<p>I don’t think a $40 ice bucket is outrageous either. I suspect one of the reasons it is on the list is that the B&G wanted to have some items less than $50 listed. My kid has something much more ridiculous on the list, for much the same reason. The price at Williams-Sonoma is much higher than what they would pay themselves, but the item is probably of far better quality and it’s under $40. Better a gift purchased at a slightly inflated price that they will actually use than a bunch of knick knacks that will gather dust in a closet. </p>
<p>This is one of those darned if you do, darned if you don’t, situations. Lots of people want you to have a registry. And, if lots of guests aren’t local, it’s hard to return things. </p>
<p>One gift my kid and spouse-to-be received was from a registry. I opened it just to make sure it was ok. It wasn’t. It was damaged. I called the company’s 800 number to get instructions and returned it. They paid for the shipping and there was a return label inside the box. So, returning it was easy. A replacement was shipped as soon as the damaged article was picked up. If the same thing had happened with an item purchased at some store in another state where one of the guests lives, I suspect that returning it would have been a lot more trouble. That’s especially true in our case, since many of the guests live abroad. The cost of shipping would be exorbitant. By using the internet and ordering things locally, the guests avoid international shipping costs, customs duties, etc.</p>
<p>A timely thread, I just heard of a new one - a young woman at my workplace is getting married in the fall. She and her fiance come from very middle income families, both work and I think they are paying a good proportion of their wedding expenses. They are having (or it is being given for them, I’m not sure which) a “Stock the Bar” party. You come to the party, bring a bottle your favorite something, and it turns up again at the wedding. this is a casual poolside party, and I think it is aimed toward their same age friends, never heard of this one, but it makes some sense if you are on a tight budget, you got lots of friends who like to party and expect a party at the wedding.</p>
<p>Oh, and as someone who gets moderate numbers of invites from places where I know the family, but not the bride and groom, I really appreciate registries. I can order and send based how much I want to spend, and know I’m covered as Jonri discussed. I do like to buy more personal gifts when I know the bride or groom well enough to buy a personal gift. But I can’t imagine knowing many of my friend’s or nieces/nephews well enough to buy something truly personal. </p>
<p>When I married it was before computerized registries, and I returned a lot of my extra salad plates and was able to end up with a complete service for 8, for example, so everyone was happy. Then I got some horrendous things, some I thought might be a joke, even, so I wish they had bought the $12 salad plate.</p>
<p>I always defer to Miss Manners on this topic.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Thinking back on my first wedding all those years ago, I did have a registry with everyday china and good crystal, so a wide range of budget options. I even registered (and got) a fondue pot - what was I thinking? I can’t remember how the registry was communicated, probably word of mouth.</p>
<p>This time around for my July wedding, no registry at all, no gifts needed or wanted. If anyone asks, we’ll suggest donations to favorite charities, either ours (our close friends know what they are) or the giver’s.</p>
<p>I now use my crystal often, the cream & sugar every day, the jam jar for honey, etc. Much of it has been on display for 25+ years, it’s time to use it daily ;)</p>
<p>I registered back in the day, being a young bride I am amused by some of my selections and dismayed by others- love my silver & crystal, never liked the china (I was talked into it) I look at all the Calphalon and expensive cookware and recall my inexpensive first set.</p>
<p>^Ah, somemom, that’s because CC wasn’t around when you were engaged! When we were registering, I posted a thread in the Cafe asking which pots and pans we should register for. I love our set! :D</p>
<p>I was happy to have a registry, because we were really moving into our first home together, and we didn’t have much in the way of housewares. I would have been perfectly happy getting no gifts at all, though – not much of a “stuff” person. Some of the off-registry gifts we got were lovely and thoughtful, but some were… well, puzzling, to put it nicely.</p>
<p>My DS is marrying long time GF next month and my issues are quite different than over the top wedding and expensive items on the registry. They are independent free spirits and are resisting my suggestion to register. They may register a few things on amazon.com (I see they registered for a $700 grill which several families might go in on) but they will also suggest donations to charities. My DS says they don’t need or want anything. They are having a small wedding (civil ceremony with no one present) and a weekend long wedding celebration with immediate family and a few friends only. We have been to umpteen engagement parties, showers, and weddings so all our friends want to send them something – for the engagement (1 1/2 years ago) and wedding. But DS and GF don’t really care. Geez…very interesting.</p>
<p>Isn’t this the same Miss Manners who said that it was perfectly acceptable to go to the wedding and not send a gift?..and who suggested buying an item from a second hand or antique store and sending it with a note that implied it is worth much more than it really is? Miss Manners and I don’t agree. </p>
<p>Barring unusual circumstances, e.g., a relative or friend who pays a small fortune to attend a destination wedding shouldn’t be expected to spring for a gift too if it puts a financial burden on them, I think guests should give presents. It’s perfectly fine if the gifts are inexpensive. And while I think putting the registry in the wedding invitation is tacky, I don’t think it is tacky to let people know that you are registered and where you are registered, as long as you make it clear that anything you choose to give is just fine, but if you’d like some ideas, here they are. </p>
<p>The registry should include some inexpensive gifts, not just expensive items. I think listing some inexpensive items actually makes guests who want to come but know that they can’t “cover the plate” more comfortable. Looking at the registry they will readily see that the B&G aren’t expecting that.</p>
<p>No kidding jonri…a high school friend wanted to attend my wedding (years and years ago)but told me she only had enough to buy the plane ticket down (a 45 minute flight, so not terribly expensive back then). I told her “that her being there would be the perfect gift”. And to this day, I’m so happy she shared my day!</p>
<p>I am appalled at the green-eyed greedy brides these days. Bachelorette/bachelor parties to Vegas, spa days for the bridal party, $500+ bridesmaid dresses…ack! A destination wedding…no thanks! I’ve been invited to ‘destination’ birthday parties the past few years…I’m sorry but I have very few friends that I’d be willing to shell out for a flight and a hotel room to celebrate their 40th b-day. Now hit 90 years old and maybe I’ll make the trip.</p>
<p>this coming weekend I have a bridal shower about 45 minutes from here… the weekend after I have a wedding three hours away in Maryland… the weekend after that I am having my house warming party that my family has requested so that they can all see my house… the weekend after that I am going to my best friends babies very first birthday party which is about two hours from here… the weekend after that i have a wedding about an hour away, and the weekend after that i have a bridal shower three hours away in new jersey! all of a sudden we’re in July!</p>
<p>I’m spending so much time (and gas!) traveling to these events… and with just buying a house, I don’t think my gifts will be all that $$$… but I think everyone understands that. I am only 26 after all!</p>
<p>We are going to our second destination in six months. I am participating in one of the showers (she is having four showers). The one that I am partially funding has a 60 person guest list (so tacky). There is no longer Bachelor Party…it is a weekend which will cost my son over $1,000 to attend. We are staying at a hotel for three nights (a very special deal at $250 per night plus parking plus resort fees). We have given the kids: an engagement present, shower gift which can’t be combined with the wedding gift because I am giving the shower, AND a wedding gift which is expensive.</p>
<p>I am so fed up I want to scream! Give me a nice wedding that I can drive to…oh, and one where all my children are invited (we are lifelong friends). They all aren’t invited because the bride’s family knows that each of them won’t cough up a present. </p>
<p>The parents of the groom’s wedding cost $2,000 30 years ago with one small shower…when did these things go so out of control?</p>
<p>Ugh! Whatever happened to “normal” showers … like, say, 15 - 20 people?<br>
And that’s too bad about the bachelor party costing your son over $1,000. In this economy that’s completely ridiculous.
H’s bachelor party was a weekend as well … But it was the cabin of a friend of his, all the young men drove up together, hung out, went to a local bar, fished, barbecued … It was great fun and didn’t really cost the guys much beyond whatever it cost to have their meals.<br>
I have to say I don’t get the destination wedding concept myself … people have limited vacation time and then you’re asking them to use their vacation time and a significant amount of money to go to a destination they might not have otherwise gone to? I’d be very hard pressed to want to go to a destination wedding. I’ll pick my own resorts / vacation spots, TYVM, and you can go honeymoon at your favorite place. It feels really “entitled” to me.</p>
<p>“Isn’t this the same Miss Manners who said that it was perfectly acceptable to go to the wedding and not send a gift?..and who suggested buying an item from a second hand or antique store and sending it with a note that implied it is worth much more than it really is? Miss Manners and I don’t agree.”</p>
<p>Somehow I can’t imagine Miss Manners saying it’s acceptable to send a note that “implies that a gift is worth more than it is” because why would a note even make mention of the monetary value of the gift?</p>
<p>I don’t “get” the destination concept myself. But then again, the whole concept of this wedding is one that I don’t get. The Bachelor Party is but an example. It is being held in wine country and the future groom is ordering, but not paying for all the wines for the weekend. I don’t get the destination part. In my day (let me get the false teeth out) IF the kids came from different cities the wedding was held in one place and perhaps everyone was invited, but the family from the other side had a party at their home (or a hotel) as a reception for the young couple.</p>
<p>As for 60 people at a shower? It’s called a gift grab. I have found out, to my horror, that most of the invitees aren’t invited to the wedding. </p>
<p>I recall when we bought our first home in about 1982/3 with interest in the mid teens that I dreaded any invites in the mail, that $35-$50 for a gift was not good for the ‘to the penny’ first budget!</p>
<p>Ellebud, I’m with ya! It’s one thing to ask people to travel to the bride’s hometown; I mean, she can’t help where she’s from :-). It’s quite another to ask them to travel to Hawaii or the Bahamas or Tahiti or wherever. I think it’s a very intrusive request / demand on people’s time and money.</p>