<p>UMCP11–You’re right–going on “strike” could backfire. Notice that I mentioned it as a possibility only AFTER trying to sit down and set up a schedule. I also posted that before I knew that the daughter was planning to room with the same troublesome roommate next year. “Going on strike” was just one way to try to make it through this year.</p>
<p>No matter how nice she is, if a roommate’s messiness is a problem, I don’t understand why your D is rooming with the same person next year. If the roommate is thoughtless enough to make your daughter uncomfortable, she’s not THAT nice. Either your daughter is going to have to “grow some balls” (figuratively, of course), or she might as well just get used to a “toxic” bathroom.</p>
<p>As for single rooms being the best option–I totally agree! Some campuses don’t offer single rooms as an option, but if they are available, to me they would be worth the extra money. My college didn’t offer the single room option for undergrads, but I would have killed for a single.</p>
<p>I was lucky to have a GREAT roommate for four out of my six years of college. But, as soon as I was supporting myself, I got an apt of my own. I decided that having a roommate had all the problems of being married, and none of the “consolations.” LOL</p>
<p>At Oxford, Cambridge, virtually all students have single rooms. Why do we in the U.S. think that having a roommate is such an integral part of growing up?</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for chiming in, it’s been most helpful reading all the responses. </p>
<p>Dovemom,
I like this advice as it seems most level-headed given the friendship aspect. Given my daughter’s personality, the “Ok, Roomie, see that basket?” line makes total sense. </p>
<p>It’s so true that living in a dorm room with strangers is a valuable and ongoing life lesson in learning to live with others (and eventually a spouse, who may or may never change!). The upside is that D1 has grown in so many ways and it’s likely I will not recognize her when she comes home this summer. </p>
<p>Bookworm and Northstarmom,
I will suggest the wheel arrangement and schedules for next year. She may not have the same suitemates next year so she can very well put some rules in place early. After all these are reasonable young women for whom negotiating chores shouldn’t be rocket science, or cause for civil war ;-)</p>
<p>Oldfort,
Your story reminds me of me as a teen; sister was the neat freak, I was happy amidst chaos It did bug me how she often went around picking up after me. I’ve outgrown the messiness; maybe D1’s roomie will eventually pick up some housekeeping skills. </p>
<p>Stevensmama,
D2 is now filling in roommate surveys. She hopes to be matched with someone who has an organized-chaos-slash-likes-neatness type of personality. She is going to art school so some messiness is probably the norm. Whoever gets D2 as a roomie however is lucky as D2 is an extremely good cook ;-)</p>
<p>THEN AGAAAAIN…maybe D1 has come to realize that she really can’t tolerate messiness? <em>thinks</em> Hahaha at least I have SEVERAL talking points to bring up with D1 when we chat this weekend!</p>
<p>This is my take. I take out the garbage always at my house. My “roommate” seems to be able to tolerate the mess better than me. When I have other “roommates” who come and go, they expect me to take out the garbage but then they are only temporary residents who come and go.</p>
<p>My “roommate” does all kinds of things that drive me crazy but I’ve learned that no one is perfect.</p>
<p>This is what I tell my kids when they complain that their roommate does or doesn’t do this or that. Get used to it. First of all you always think that you do more cleaning or picking up or whatever than your roommate. They think the same thing. And if it bugs you to pick up the garbage it only takes a minute to pick it up.</p>
<p>It’s really hard to live with another person. When you love them it’s easier but still hard at first.The roommate probably has a mother who picks up after her and it never occurs to her to empty the garbage. I’ve asked my “roommate” plenty of times and honestly he just doesn’t notice the things that I do, even when I point them out he just doesn’t see the big deal. He would just let things lie there. I promise I’ve tried not to pick up his stuff, it bugs me way before he even notices it.</p>
<p>My “roommate” leaves lights on. Drives me nuts.</p>
<p>I think one of the best lessons in college is learning to live with someone. The patience I learned from my roommate situations (one is still a good friend, even if he is a slob) has helped me considerably as a soon-to-be spouse.</p>
<p>Mirrall, glad to help! That chore wheel at the start of next year sounds like a good idea and the right time to set some expectations/responsibilities. I do think if your daughter and her roommie for this year/next year have become such good friends, it is well worth the hassle to maintain the friendship. Who knows, they may be “friends for life” and I think that is something we all hope our children will find in college.</p>
<p>This is exactly why I read these posts to my kids, especially my middle kiddo. They simply don’t see the mess and the clutter. Actually, I try but they walk away!</p>
<p>Here are my thoughts:
You’ll have to get your daughter to be more assertive. Assertiveness might be an American trait, and I’m guessing her roomies don’t pick up on her subtle way of asking others to pitch in.</p>
<p>If it’s something she totally dislikes, she might be the one to clean up. It just doesn’t bother them enough.</p>
<p>So my son just came home for his spring break. Went to his bedroom and wondered “what is that cat-like basket in my room?” It is a hamper, where you put your dirty clothes there, I answered. </p>
<p>“Yeah, like that’s going to happen.”</p>
<p>He’s a real rat-packer. He’d clean up when I ask, but he just does not think about those things.</p>
<p>Try posting one of those mini basketball hoops over the trash can. People can’t resist seeing if they can “score.”</p>
<p>Also try positive/negative reinforcement. As in “I see the trash can is being used and I really, really appreciate that.” Sounds dumb but most of us like hearing that someone is happy with us. The negative reinforcement might be to stop, take roommate’s hands in hand and say quietly “the trash on the floor really gets to me. Will you please try harder to get it into the bin?” Note, no screaming or horrid threats – but if the roommate KNOWS she’s going to get the sorry eyed handholding routine EVERY evening then she’ll get to the point where it’s easier to toss the tissues in the hoop. </p>
<p>It takes six to twelve weeks to install a new pattern of behavior. That’s potentially a lot of hand holding but tell DD to keep it up.</p>
<p>It’s crazy to get stressed out over full garbage cans. </p>
<p>My daughter was very messy/disorganized in her freshman dorm room. She felt horrible about the way her side of the room was messy the other side of the room was perfectly neat. As a result she thought it only fair to not complain about roomie’s “only fault”… having the tv on ALL the time, including going to sleep with it on (sometimes turning off via remote, sometimes not). I bet your daughter is not that thoughtless. But she may have tradeoff flaws - most of us do.</p>
<p>colorado_mom, I hear you. No one is perfect. Although I can’t resist adding that what moved me to post here for advice (straw that broke the camel’s back as it were!) was roomie’s habit of leaving half-eaten food/half-empty take-out containers on her desk for weeks after the fact <em>shudder</em> One can replace “overflowing garbage cans” with just about any flaw, and in this context might as well be a metaphor for challenges that our kids can learn from. Thankfully roomie is not the naked roomie/party-loving/proverbial horror roomie all frosh fear meeting on Move In Day. As mentioned roomie and D are friends otherwise. </p>
<p>DoveMom’s/Evolving/NSM’s input (and several others as well) have been on-point and more of what I was looking to elicit: just practical tips on how to manage living with other people. We all hope our children find friends for life at college (again, jamming on DoveMom!). College is also where kids learn life skills like compromising and practicing tact and being assertive yet constructive. As parents we all kinda hope we’ve raised kids that other kids/faculty/people really like, but no one wants to hear that we’ve raised doormats << not a useful life skill ;-)</p>
<p>A few more tips in that vein:
Keep the discussion about cleaning to just that - cleaning. Don’t let it get off topic about noise, boyfriends or other bad habits It’s just housework; it’s not a character assasination or a politcal debate.</p>
<p>It might help if the cleaning roommate asks for equal time participation, such as, “I’m going to vacuum now. If you take out both cans of garbage and get everything off the floor, I can vacuum your side when I’m done with mine.” Or she’ll clean the shower if the roommate does the sink, etc., at the same time.</p>
It did bug me how she often went around picking up after me. I’ve outgrown the messiness; maybe D1’s roomie will eventually pick up some housekeeping skills. </p>
It’s just housework; it’s not a character assasination or a politcal debate.</p>