<p>For the record, I would have not been okay with my friends sitting on my roommate’s bed. That was her space to share, not mine.</p>
<p>However, the girls need to talk, and the roommate needs to realize that the double-standard she set is not okay.</p>
<p>I will just note that to some people a bed is just another piece of furniture, and to some it is personal space. I guess it makes sense to find out early on how your roommate feels about it.</p>
<p>Well, just thought I’d post an update. My D has not spoken to her RM about this issue yet nor has she tried to get the RA involved. Last night when she returned to her room, her RM had a large group of students studying there. Again, the RM allowed people to sit on both her bed as well as my D’s bed. Yes, this is definitely a double standard.</p>
<p>My D has not had any friends visit her in their room since the RM gave her the ultimatum. She needs to figure out how she wants to handle this because I’m sure she wants to have friends visit once in awhile.</p>
<p>She should just lay it bare. “[Roommate], this situation is not okay. Either we both can have friends over and have people sit wherever they want or neither of us can have anybody over unless both of us are here. If we can’t work something out, I’m going to the RA.”</p>
<p>Or, tell her to start bringing friends, as many as possible and as soon as possible.</p>
<p>I am with Hunt–as many as possible & as soon as possible.</p>
<p>I am sure that your daughter could find another roommate whose company she would also enjoy and could get away from this obvious control freak germaphobe. No friends in the room if the roommate is away is just completely unreasonable, but they should not sit on her bed, although 99.999999999% of people wouldn’t care!</p>
<p>Your daughter should SPEAK UP to this double standard. what is she afraid of… I would have said something right away when the roomie had friends there sitting on her bed to the effect of … so its OK for you to have friends here while I am away and they can sit on my bed but I am not entitled to the same courtesy?? She sounds like someone who can be walked over too easily!</p>
<p>Having a roommate is about compromise, if the RM can have study groups over so can your daughter. They need to sit down and talk, shyness is not an option…I honestly feel like your daughter is being “bullied” by this other girl, and that is not right.</p>
<p>Just a thought…would your daughter feel more comfortable sending her roomie an email , and copying the RA? sometimes it’s easier to say something in writing instead of talking if she is shy.</p>
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<p>Writing notes is usually not a good idea. People can get offended a lot more easily by notes. Think about it, what you write might sound perfectly innocent to you, but the other person might take it completely the wrong way and misunderstand the tone and meaning of the note.</p>
<p>Bring in the RA or some other housing authority if necessary. If it comes down to it trying to switch roommates might not be a bad idea. Not all students behave like this, and your daughter shouldn’t have to be afraid of dorm life just because of one bad experience.</p>
<p>I agree- a kid with serious germ issues should be in a single. Part of the roommate experience is learning to share. It’s ridiculous for anyone to not be able to have friends over. roommates are not attached at the hip.</p>
<p>I am a little surprised at some of the ideas posted that seem to encourage being confrontational. I do think she should be able to bring friends, but it is not unreasonable for her rm to have concerns. We don’t know the whole story, and apparently the rm has not yet been asked to clarify. From what has been posted, I could see her feeling some invasion of privacy…seeing her room (and her things) posted on facebook. I hope that your daughter can talk to her and come up with an amicable solution.</p>
<p>^Yeah but when the roommate turns around and does the exact same thing to OP’s daughter after basically forbidding the daughter to have friends over in her absence? It screams of a double standard and control issues.</p>
<p>I agree, the double standard seriously needs to be addressed. I understand the RM not wanting a party in there 24/7, but there is nothing wrong with people just “hanging out” every once in awhile. </p>
<p>I side with the RM on the bed issue though, I would find it rude if a bunch of random people were sitting on my bed without permission.</p>
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There is a saying that life keeps giving you the same lesson over and over until you “get it”. Sounds like that’s whats happening to your D. She needs to work on standing up for herself, because her roommate sure seems to have no issue asking for what she wants. I think its something she should try to first handle between herself and the roommate, although getting advice from the RA on how to handle it (or even meeting with a counselor at the Student Services center on her campus to learn more about assertiveness) might be a good preliminary step.</p>
<p>Any update? What is your D doing for next semester?</p>
<p>Yeah that sounds unreasonable. It sounds like something isn’t going to end right. The not sitting on the bed thing is understandable, but not having a friend over is ridiculous. Both of them paid money to live there, so it’s both of their rooms not hers. And yeah, I agree that the roommate must have consent but usually there a certain circumstances for that. Like, if they don’t want them in while their sleeping or studying.</p>