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<p>And at the appropriate time, take up smoking, buy a motorcycle and learn how to scuba or sky dive…</p>
<p>Count me in!</p>
<p>Oh sympathies to everyone going through this!</p>
<p>My sister today said that “someday soon” she’ll have to buy a LTC policy again. I was stymied as she’s in her 50s already & told her that the premiums are sometimes significantly higher than the value you may get from them, especially in you read the fine print about what you pay and when they will pay out. She seemed angry at me (pretty common–we have that type of relationship) for pointing out the shortcomings of many policies and said, “Of course LTC policies are only supposed to pay out of we need MEDICAL care, not just because we want or need help in the kitchen or elsewhere.” She had no reaction when I told her that our aunt who recently died after a lengthy and painful battle with lung cancer–didn’t qualify for ANY benefits under her LTC policy until the last month of her life.</p>
<p>She said she had 18 months of LTC policy under her former job but it stopped when she ended her job. I don’t think she realizes that it’s not a part of most job benefits and that for many/most policies you have to keep paying premiums for them to ever pay out any benefits.</p>
<p>I suggested she be very careful about understanding the policy and buying from a company she verifies as best she can will be around when she needs to use the benefits. She has a friend whose mom has been in assisted living for years now & is depleting her estate and leaving her grown kids & grandkids nothing when she dies.</p>
<p>I hope my parents can continue to live happy, healthy and independent lives. H & my grandparents & H’s parents all did pretty well up until the last month of their lives. Hope we can emulate them. It is challenging when families are far-flung and they can’t see or be with loved ones as often as desired.</p>
<p>When I get tired and frustrated of repeating things to mom & dad because they didn’t hear them the first (few) time(s), I remind myself that they were endlessly patient and available to us when we were growing up. I count my blessings that they are still cheerful and wonderful people that are quite active.</p>
<p>^ it’s certainly true a lot of people pay more in premiums than they get in benefits from LTC insurance … after all that is the essence of insurance … the odds are in the insurance companies favor however the family is protecting downside risk. </p>
<p>For my parents I do not know the quality of their LTC insurance or the provider … but I do know their LTC care insurance paid for in-home care and then senior day-care and is now helping pay for my Mom’s assisted living expenses. Their LTC is paying about $4500 a month … and 18 months of $4500 payments from LTC dwarfs what they paid in premiums and allowed us to select a much nicer facility than if they did not have the LTC insurance. Of course, if neither of my parents had ever needed the LTC insurance they would have “lost” their bet of buying the insurance.</p>
<p>I guess we will just have to hope that our annuity and savings as well as equity in our home will allow us to have a good quality of life when that time comes that we are unable to care for ourselves as we would like.</p>
<p>We just try to save as much as we can so we can “self insure” and spend as we decide we need rather than what the policy does or does not allow us to spend on and when the benefits do or don’t kick in.</p>
<p>I will be following this thread with great interest. Both my inlaws are gone, but my parents are now getting to the stage where it’s getting scary. My father just turned 84 and my mother 81. They live in the home we grew up in which is 4,000 squ ft. Can’t keep up with it, stresses them out to deal with it, but also can’t deal with having to sell it. Also won’t get a 1/3 of what it was worth a few years ago. </p>
<p>They don’t, however need the money. Financially very well off except they won’t spend any of it. Could pay cash for a small place nearer to me and keep the house until whenever, but they can’t deal with it. I have two siblings near where they are now who try to help but both work full time and their kids are no help. I am 30 minutes away and have all the free time in the world. It would be so easy to stop by once or twice a day to help if they were nearby, but not driving an hour round trip.</p>
<p>Dad just sold his car since he shouldn’t drive. Mom drives but don’t know how much longer she should keep it up. I think they should move while she can still learn to get around nearer to me and not wait until it’s urgent.</p>
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<p>Truer words never spoken.</p>
<p>" Can’t keep up with it, stresses them out to deal with it, but also can’t deal with having to sell it. Also won’t get a 1/3 of what it was worth a few years ago."</p>
<p>That is why my brothers, our wives wives, and my siister are taking care of everything…almost everything anyway…</p>
<p>If you are in your 80’s and don’t have kids …it must be difficult…to move…go to assisted living …etc…</p>
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Overall, Mom3ToGo and I agree with this … we believe in self-insuring since the expected value of insurance is negative to the policy holder. However, there are two places where we insure and insure heavily … first, liability insurance … second, LTC insurance. Paying the highest deductable allowed by law to fix our cars will hurt if we ever need to do it but it would not be a life changing event … that said, for us, the magnitude of possible expense for liability or long-term care could severely affect our net worth so, in our opinion, should be insured against. At my Mom’s home the average resident is there for 4-5 years … at a current cost of about $100k per year … and that does not address any medical care needed … without LTC insurance my Mom’s care at her home would have essentially wiped out her net worth (other than 1/2 the house).</p>
<p>Except that the vast majority of people who buy LTC insurance will never use it. And those who do will only use it for a short time. My MIL never used it and my FIL only used it for less than a year. Also, most policies won’t cover anywhere near that amount. Financially, it makes much more sense to self insure. However, peace of mind is worth something. My parents don’t have it but would have to be in care for a decade to use all their assets. I know many people would feel badly using those up and not leaving it to the kids, but to me, that’s what it’s for.</p>
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<p>Unfortunately, my sister and I don’t agree on this. Her feeling is that, had my mother been willing to go to work, or if my father had been willing to go to work for The Man (he was self-employed when he didn’t really have the temperament to deal well with clients), they would be in a better financial position. (Which is all true.) It would be hard for me to ask DH to handle my parents’ expenses on my own when we’ve still got a mortgage and need to save for our own retirements.</p>
<p>We’ve had two instances of my mother “missing” jewelry. The first was at a hotel when my niece was getting married; the second when a new mattress was delivered to my parents’ home. My father, who has some anger management issues, was probably rude bordering on abusive with the mattress company, insurance company, etc. Needless-to-say, the jewelry turned up in my mother’s room. That should have been our first clue about her dementia, but we were already focused on my father’s behavior.</p>
<p>1moremom…sorry…I didn’t meant finances; although, I did help them out for 20 years…</p>
<p>They are going to spend their own money for several years…</p>
<p>My brothers and my sister are all in agreement on where they should live…we helped them move…choose a place…get settled…will take care of their belongings that are at their old house…which we will sell for them eventually. </p>
<p>My mom is still able to take care of the bills…</p>
<p>Sorry to read that your sister and you don’t agree…money does make things more difficult.</p>
<p>Am reading all your stories with sympathy and anticipation of eventual problems. right now, things are okay, but could go off the rails easily. We only have one parent left, all three others passed away much too early. My mom is almost 82, lives alone, and can take care of herself. She is able to afford some home cleaning, and she has a handyman type who can do odd jobs and lawn work for her, and charges very low amounts (she lives in a rural area where people are glad for the work.)</p>
<p>The problem is, though, this rural area. She moved two hours from where I am at retirment, way too far into the country, because my emotionally disabled sister was living with her and “wanted room to garden.” A year later, Sis moved away, and now lives on disability about a 30 minute drive from mom. She helps out some, but during this recent storm, mom was stuck my herself with no heat or electricity, and no abilitiy to drive away. It was nerve wracking! Sis had a tree across her driveway and couldn’t get over there. Mom’s house is bigger than she needs, two story, and has constant issues–loses power often, large trees fall, basement issues, etc. If she loses the ability to drive, she’ll be utterly stranded.</p>
<p>I would love to have her move near our S. Jersey home–houses on our block are going for next to nothing, we’re there every weekend and all summer, we have other family in the area, and there is a ton of senior services. If needed, she could easily live in our house there (had bedroom and bathdownsstairs) but she still wants her independence aand as long as she is able, so do we. But close by would certainly help my peace of mind.</p>
<p>But her feeling is the idea of moving is too daunting–i’m afraid that will happen when she can no longer be involved, and that it will be me, the most functioning member of the family, who will need to make it happen.</p>
<p>But meanwhile, i try to just enjoy her company–she’s easy to be around, very smart, and generally in good health. I cross my fingers that continues!</p>
<p>My mom is still taking care of the bills, but she really shouldn’t be. When I was there over the summer and we discovered a late Target bill she said just call and explain she was in rehab. I called and learned that they had forgiven a late bill two months earlier. The Visa was also late; she paid it, then paid it again when it showed up on the next month’s statement as overdue. She already feels we are taking control of their lives (having insisted on part-time caregivers) and I know she realizes she is losing many of her abilities. I hate to take this task away from her; it would be like telling her I believe she is incompetent. If I didn’t live ten hours away I could monitor things a little more easily.</p>
<p>garland, and 1moremom…living that far away…doesn’t sound good to me…but I realize everybody has their own way of doing things…</p>
<p>After a little coercion…my folks understand the move closer to my brother and me, and to an assisted living place is good for them. Usually I am the one that has to be forceful…but my younger brother was adamant that they should move…and because it was so out of his character…he is pretty mild mannered…my parents said ok.</p>
<p>This suggestion won’t work for everyone - but one simple thing I did was ask dad to allow me to put his banking account online and have access to it. He doesn’t use a computer - but having access to the account has been enormously helpful a couple of times. I can keep an eye on whether the checking account looks low and when it may be time to transfer some money from savings to the checking account. He actually has been appreciative of this service. He will call and ask me for his balance. </p>
<p>Also - just a heads up - just because you have power of attorney, you can’t just start writing checks on someone’s behalf. I had to show copies of the POA to the banks where dad had money. This is a job best handled before they need you to take over.</p>
<p>We tried talking to my parents about moving to a rancher instead of their split level when they were in their early 60s. They are plentiful and cheap in their current neighborhood. Mom has always had bad knees and weight problems that make it tough to be mobile (plus diabetes, congestive heart failure, severe lymphadema and other issues). They refused to move. She fell at age 64 and had a catastrophic fracture of her femur which never healed. Has been totally bedridden since (not even wheelchair ambulatory). Takes an ambulance and four burly guys to get her to the hospital for a doctor’s appointment. </p>
<p>One of my sisters (GASis) lives nearby and is very helpful, though my other sister (KYSis) would disagree. I’m not there to deal with the day-to-day, and am thankful she is there, even if I do not always agree with what transpires. GASis works FT and has no choice in the matter, and I feel that when I come down, it’s also to give GASis a break. KYSis is hyper organized and works non-stop when she’s there, and gets po’d that GASis isn’t doing that on a regular basis, because she (KYSis) would like to spend more time visiting and less time cleaning.</p>
<p>My dad cares for her (plus, until they both passed away in the past couple of years, his MIL and SIL). He had a knee replacement this summer and had complications and the whole thing went to he** in a handbasket in short order. He told me had arranged for a visiting nurse, but then he chose not to spend the $$. Found this out when KYSis was already down there and doing 20-hr/day medical shifts with both of them. Only after KYSis and I left returned home did he finally arrange for someone to come in once a day. Then, within a couple of days, Mom’s lymphadema split her skin, created an abcess and she nearly died. My dad is killing himself caring for her. This summer was a real wake-up call. </p>
<p>They are both fully there mentally, though getting a bit hard of hearing. They are fairly young; 74 and 72. There is not enough money for assisted living. Am doing research on Medicaid and asset recovery.</p>
<p>I am acutely aware that neither my parents nor DH’s got to enjoy much of their retirement because of health issues. I have been reiterating to DH that we should travel now while we can. Am also working on getting into better shape physically so I am not as much of a burden to my kids. </p>
<p>Have also considered leaving my job so that I can spend more time with my parents and to be able to travel with DH for work occasionally. Also want to pursue my fabric art, spend time with friends, work on the house and volunteer. I am terribly aware how fortunate I am to have survived leukemia this long, and am tired of expending energy on the toxic situation at my office. Time to invest in other things.</p>
<p>Make SURE you check with ALL the institutions which hold assets involved to be sure they approve of the forms you use. EACH BANK & other place can use and insist on their own forms. It’s best to be sure they are all OK with the ones you have & have your folks sign off while they’re all lucid. Get DURABLE power of attorney for all of them, so it will last if anything should happen & you need to act on their behalf. Funds can go fast if you need court orders because the forms you use are not acceptable to whomever is holding the assets.</p>
<p>We have POA but need to complete and then notarize forms in order to actual sign on the accounts. I have the forms in my backpack in case an opportunity presents itself while I’m there this weekend. I tried to get my mother to at least make the utility bills auto-deductions but she just doesn’t trust that sort of a new-fangled method of bill paying.</p>
<p>Living so far away isn’t good, Dstark. If I ran the world, they would have moved to my area years ago. Unfortunately, they are both very stubborn. My sister does agree that they should live near me and we are slowly chipping away at their resistance. I’m just afraid that when we finally get to that point it will be too late for them to make the move.</p>