In my opinion, the basic format presented in Academic Hacker’s Guide is enough to get a 10. Looking at the essay you posted above, I can think of the following things that come to my mind:
-
The essay is too short in length. Unfortunately, the SAT offers little space for creativity and you need to FILL both pages if you want to get a good score. While there are many high scorers who don’t necessarily do so, that is exactly how the majority of test takers get a 10+ on the essay. The more content detail you have, the more the grader thinks you have a command of the subject.
-
I think the introduction is flat. Everything you want for a good score is right there in the link. Do follow that and work on the intro, transitions, conclusions, etc. They are very important as the grader must not find himself/herself in a confused state while going through your essay.
-
Your essay isn’t evened out properly. The introduction part is a huge chunk, which is followed by a relatively shorter paragraph.
-
Your examples are good. But for the SAT essay, it would have been even better if you could spread out the sources of your examples. For eg: Tech, History, Literature, Sports, Cinema, Personal life, and even your own made up example. If you can follow the classic - INTRO - 3 EXAMPLES - CONCLUSION - format and pay good attention to other minor details, this essay can turn into a really good SAT essay.
-
One final point I would like to make is that any SAT essay prompt is malleable. You can create your own set of characters and scenarios to set up examples. The only things you need to focus on are: setting up some kind of problem, how the character/society/(anything else) overcame the challenge, and what changes/progress took place. You just need to tie up your examples to the prompt.
Good luck. Here is a link to another guide that shows how it’s possible to simply BS your way through the SAT essay, considering you have strong thesis statements, transitions and overall good writing skills. http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1525053-defeating-the-sat-essay-in-2-days.html
Good Luck!