<p>I am so sorry, @cptofthehouse. With those losses and so much going on, of course you’re beat and things can’t go on as usual. My vision for you: a nice Thanksgiving dinner out, and a Thanksgiving morning when people (other than just you) pitch in for the worst of the mess. Then maybe a maid service once or twice? Sending my best thoughts.</p>
<p>Indulging our kids when they come home is one of our greatest pleasures and has been since they left for college. They always send an email list of foods they’d love to have in the house; we’ll always do a Target or Wegmans run with them, as well. They help out in the kitchen, pick up after themselves - just like any adult guest would offer to do.</p>
<p>As for curfews and mandates - I don’t know who suggested those, but there is a clear difference between them and the kind of considerate adult relationship most of us want with our kids. I wouldn’t dream of telling my adult kids where they could go and when, but I would like to know about when they’ll be back and, in case of an emergency, have an idea of their plans. And if they’re borrowing one of our cars, I believe we do have the right to ask them to stay where they are (at home or at a friends’ house) when the roads are bad. </p>
<p>Nope. Bedridden mom who is really at the end of the road, so my bros are coming, as well as THE bros of the house. Need to do an early one too, so I’ll be up to the wee hours premaking what I can. Am being honored at the football game so, have to take a break and go to that. My youngest’s last game as he is a senior. He’ s had a rough go this term with so many illness,s hospital issues and deaths. </p>
<p>But my house is trashed, and I can’t do it When MIL was around, she had help three days a week that helped me out as well interms of upkeep and I’ve gotten lazy. And old, and plain worn out. I am keeping it a simple Thanksgiving. I usually do a lot, but not this year. Just the bird stuffed so it can stay in the oven while I run over to the game for my corsage, green beans and I’m doing the potatoe casseroles tonightso they just need to heat up. Canned cranberry and bagged salad, Mrs Smith pies. I simply cannot do more. We lived off after funeral food for a week and I just haven’t been able to get away to do more than spot shopping.</p>
<p>The kids did well, looked great, were gentle to all during all of this but did NOT step up in terms of the house. I am too tired to be angry. Mom’s cable went out in her suite–problem with cable box,and she can’t easily be moved out. Want to switch cable boxes because the others are working, but I just can’t do it. Am working on some thing that are so unpleasant right now, and just visiting this forum for respite.</p>
<p>Cpt…you have had a huge loss. This holiday can be a lighter one than in the past. When my stepmom died, no one wanted to deal with Thanksgiving at all…and the family found a nice restaurant to go to. That was three years ago. This year, they are having Thanksgiving again at home for the first time…because they feel like doing all those things again. </p>
<p>It is alright to take a break.</p>
<p>But honestly, if you can…gently remind your guests that you could use their help while they are there. Some folks just don’t think of those things.</p>
<p>As for our growing sons and daughters, guess some need to walk in our shoes to know the many balls we juggle, what it means to evolve our relationship with them- and what a good, balanced relationship is. </p>
<p>We’re still family. When they are older, with established careers, partners, and children of their own, I will still balance indulging with an expectation they participate in certain ways, depending. There doesn’t need to be some “us versus them” mentality, from either side, cobrat. The conviction about rotten parents who serve as roadblocks…is so high school. </p>
<p>Good relationships don’t just magically happen when the kids go off to college. Good relationships have to be built, over time. Then, now and going forward. </p>
<p>CPT- big hug and so sorry for your loss and for the stresses you are dealing with.</p>
<p>It took a couple of losses in my family to learn a good life’s lesson- when someone asks, “what can I do?” there is nothing wrong with saying, “I have a list if you are going to Costco this week and I will pay you back” or “if you have two hours to help me strip and make beds and then do a few loads of laundry I will never forget your kindness”.</p>
<p>I am not a person who feels comfortable asking for help. But like you- I was exhausted and depleted and overwhelmed with just the sheer number of stupid things that have to be done post funeral (really? My mom’s bank needs a death certificate brought in person, not scanned or faxed? Are you f-ing kidding me?)</p>
<p>People’s kindness (cleaning out little random bits of foil in the fridge containing god knows what; folding 10 loads of laundry into neat stacks of towels, sheets and “other”, dropping off a case of toilet paper on the front step just “because”) was so overwhelming. And it taught me to do the same. I no longer fret over what to say when someone has a loss- I head to the grocery store and buy a few bags of the things everyone needs (bananas, milk, raisin bran, toilet paper, bags of washed spinach and romaine).</p>
<p>And there is nothing wrong with giving each kid a list of chores when they arrive. It will help them channel their sadness into something productive as well.</p>
<p>When my “kids” (they are not kids) are home, they do their own laundry if they have any and they have the courtesy to tell us if they will be home or if they are likely staying at a friends. We are parents. No matter how old they get we will always worry about them. Someone who isn’t a parent probably cannot completely understand this. </p>
<p>As for cooking, DS#1 has changed his eating habits and is now a much healthier eater. Doesnt eat a lot of the things that used to be traditions at home. That said, we are out visiting them on heir turf, and his fiancee cooked dinner last night. DS made a dessert that is an old family tradition. That meant the world to me.</p>
<p>I laughed so hard at the SNL BHB skit. It was outrageous and extreme and I immediately thought how much D would enjoy it. My kids are indulged to a reasonable extent when they are home and I thought the skit was timely and hilarious. </p>
<p>We really enjoyed the clip and have been referencing it frequently over the past 48 hours. It’s a treat to baby them a little and give them a temporary break from some really intense coursework this semester. And now I have a lot of bowls to put away.</p>
<p>My kid WISHES she could be a “BHB” - but it just isn’t going to happen. She’s been independent and living away from home for more than 6 years now, and while I fully give her as much sleeping in time as she wants/needs, that’s about it. She wasn’t a “BHB” when she lived with me, and she’s not going to be one when she visits.</p>
<p>One thing I learned after the sudden death of my dad, is that by allowing people to help you are actually giving them a gift too…it’s often so hard to stand by and not know what to do. By allowing help, your close friends will feel good about helping AND you get the help you really do need. A win-win.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse - I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>shellz - I agree completely. I love the gift of being able to help a friend in need. I’m better at giving than receiving, but I am working on it. </p>
<p>D has never been a ‘Back Home Baller’. S would love to be, but I am not very cooperative. I do throw their laundry in with mine when they are visiting and cook their favorite foods. We often go to their favorite restaurant (which means no cooking for me that night ) and their friends are always welcome in our home. </p>
<p>Well I did 3 loads of laundry for her while she was home. But I actually really like doing laundry. She was appreciative. And was like 'I know I have it even better than the girls in the BHB video". And when my mom asked what we were having for dinner she said “tacos” and we both laughed hysterically. My mom didn’t get it though we tried to explain. </p>
) and their friends are always welcome in our home. </p>