H and I don’t exchange either. A part of me is a little sad about that, but we buy what we need when we need it. Receiving a charming and appropriate gift is just a figment of my imagination anyway–every year he bought socks and gloves (the cheap $1 stretchy ones from Walmart). It’s really easier this way.
I know this isn’t in the spirit of the season, so apologies,…but I spend time and effort to get things others want,need, like, etc. and no one else in my family seems to do the same. Sort of a bummer, especially from my mother, who is young, healthy, and just doesn’t want to make any effort.
That is the thing – I think the idea that others must reciprocate in the effort of figuring out your secret desires is just setting yourself up for being unhappy. Being young and healthy has nothing to do with it. Some people like to shop, and don’t mind the stress of gift giving. More power to them. But to many other people, it is just that – a stressor. It doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t love you.
Maybe I am just tired of the myths we set up that impose our own ideas on others, even as we are coy about communicating clearly what we want – then are shocked (shocked!) when reality doesn’t match our expectations. We do it with marriage, sex, gift giving, holidays – so many areas. Then take offense when the other person doesn’t understand something we never clearly expressed.
For years H would ask me what I hoped for and I would tell him. He would go to the store
and buy the wrong color or size and insist he tried. it got really old after many years.
It put me in the position of either hurting his feeling or stuffing mine. And yes, I was clear about my
wishes. An example is of a gold bracelet I wanted–told him store, price, name on the label.
He bought the one that was too large that cost $20 more and that did not have the same name on
the label. It was next to the one I wanted in the case. And then he was hurt because “he tried”.
It has taken many conversations over the years but he finally figured out how paying attention shows love and respect. And the best part is how happy and proud he is of himself! He really likes this new ability to please others. He is also able to buy him mother better gifts on his own and think
about what others need – such as his B who is going through a rough time.
Oh I should mention that it only took 34 yrs…
@intparent I certainly don’t expect that he read my mind anymore than I can read his lol. But hey, pay attention! I’m not one to buy things all year for myself. We live together and spend loads of time together…I don’t think its unrealistic for him to remember my saying how much I wish I had the $$ for XYZ. Or realize that I’m only 5’ so maybe you need to buy petite length pjs. Or that I HATE labels. He’s a smart guy, I like to think he can do better. And maybe you are right, I did do it begrudgingly, and maybe he was trying to assume some responsibility for getting a gift not on the list but it feels like he didn’t take the time to think about what I’d want and then didn’t even use the list. This is on him, not me.
FWIW, I was able to find very good gifts for him and both my children. They were all very happy. I leave the receipts in an envelope for them to help themselves as needed, no one has taken any. He has already worn two of the four things I bought him, a BLOUNT jersey and coldwear underarmor. He went to the Guitar Store yesterday to redeem his gift certificate. I pay attention, I make notes, sometimes I actually buy the gift when they mention something. Not hard, just thoughtful.
There was one year a few years back that extended family made a mistake while wrapping the gifts so one 15 year old cousin received a large duplo block set meant for 2-4 year olds while the 3 year old kid received a new Ipad.
Fortunately, the older relatives realized immediately what happened, apologized to the puzzled teen and 3 year old and all was well.
Sometime during my early HS years, I ended up receiving a chemistry set meant for an older cousin who was an aspiring pre-med. She ended up liking the gift meant for yours truly, I was giddily happy with my “mistaken gift”, and my parents/older relatives who knew me well and worried about how I’d used that gift weren’t pleased that neither of us were willing to switch our gifts back. Heh, heh, heh.
I fall into @intparent’s camp. If year in and year out, it is an issue, when do you just chalk it up to something your spouse isn’t good at and either a) give an email with links with exact color/size or b) do what choatiemom and husband does and just forgo gifts. Husband and I have done both routes. We used to forgo gifts to each other but as the kids started getting older, we wanted to impart gift giving skills to them so felt the need to gift each other. So, now we do our wish lists. It helps that we are both practical types, I guess, and aren’t focused on the romantic aspect of gift giving and surprises. Given that I dislike waste, I’d much rather get something I ask for or nothing than something I have no use for.
We all come from different family backgrounds with our own histories and expectations regarding gift giving. Sometimes, those backgrounds don’t mesh.
My spouse has some really excellent traits that make up for his lack of romantic gift giving and I keep him around for those reasons. He shows thoughtfulness in other ways as a husband and a father.
H and I tend to buy what we want when we see it, especially if it’s at a good price. Our “gifts” to one another are mostly travel and nice meals out. I don’t really want or need more “Stuff” just to know I’m loved.
I thought very hard to figure out that I liked the watch I told D I liked and tried on at Costco that she and S bought me. I know I’m hard to shop for, as is H. I want S to be a bit better about getting D gifts that she loves. He is very hard to shop for, since he buys what he wants at very good prices.
I rarely spend money to buy myself quality items. DH asked for a list and I gave him one - he got nearly everything on it and got high quality (like I wanted a black vest and he got me a North Face vest)… This was great because even though I sort of knew what I was getting, it felt like a splurge and surprise.
It’s not that unusual; they have them at every art supply store. Their ostensible purpose is to serve as a model for drawing, but a lot of people think they look cool and have them as decorative objects. But they are definitely not unusual; any corner art supply store stocks them.
I interpreted the wooden hand gift as a cute way of telling her he would give her “a hand” – meaning he would do some chores or something that she wanted him to do. Maybe I am reading too much into it.
My D participated in gift swap with some girlfriends who have been close since HS and are all 27ish and have all been living independently for some years. She got a set of 14 knives–weird gift. She bought a fountain pen, ink and journal and put lots of thought into it and it was very popular. She was kind of surprised and a bit bummed by the odd gift she ended up with.
When I was married to my ex-h, I either got really good gifts, or really bad gifts. I’m sure I’ve posted this before, but the worst was the talking scale when I was pregnant.
I also got a chimney cover once. Even his business partner knew he was in trouble with that gift.
Arrgghh. I just accept what I get and if I don’t like it, then it sits in the closet or where ever til it gets passed on. I do give hints and will give a few ideas when asked, but H is not a shopper and will substitute if the thing I want is not readily available. One year he asked and I told him I needed a new ski jacket and saw several at Kohls I liked in my size. He bought one home from Eddie Bauer which he asked me to try on. It did not fit so he returned it and came back the next day with another style jacket, but same size which also did not fit. He then got pissed and questioned why he even bothered to try. I questioned it too. haha. Eddie Bauer was convenient, Kohls was not. Another year while walking through Macy’s he asked how I liked a sweater. I told him I thought it was ugly and would never wear it. Six weeks later I opened a box containing that exact sweater. I forgot he had asked me about it and proceeded to tell him how much I loved it. He later asked me why I said that and reminded me I had previously told him I hated it. I told him, I would never make anyone feel bad for giving me a gift I did not like. Bottom line, he had already bought the sweater when we saw it in the store and was too lazy to return it. I can’t get upset about gifts anymore.
Himom…Ha! My D would have loved the knives as she loves to cook and entertain but would not have liked the journal as she isn’t a writer. It is hard to know what to get people.
My H has never been a giver. I usually give him practical gifts like clothes or special food items. I also get gifts for our 7 kids–several gifts for each kid. We don’t spend a lot , but everyone gets about 5 items. Some years H gets me absolutely nothing. Once he gave me a gift certificate that I had purchased for someone else! This year he gave me a small paperback book of essays on nature observation that was originally published in the 1800s (Wake-Robin by John Burroughs ). There are no pictures or drawings in it, just about 140 pages of essays. There is a picture of robins on the cover, but the book isn’t specifically about robins, but birds/nature in general. And it isn’t about our region of the country, either. I raised a robin last summer, and I think H saw the robins on the cover and thought, “Robins. Wife likes robins.” But he didn’t even look to see what was inside the book. Just odd. I said nothing but thank you. It is sad. Kids see how little he cares. The only thing I asked for specifically is that he get the brakes checked on my car (i usually deal with the cars). Not done. Just sad.
So, now we do our wish lists. It helps that we are both practical types, I guess, and aren’t focused on the romantic aspect of gift giving and surprises. Given that I dislike waste, I’d much rather get something I ask for or nothing than something I have no use for.
It is hard to know what to get people.