<p>It doesn’t matter whether he’s creepy, or whether she has a disorder that makes her misread him as creepy. It doesn’t matter whether he has a tendency to latch on, or whether he might be the love of her life. It doesn’t matter if he is charmingly inept or has some diagnosed social disorder.</p>
<p>She doesn’t owe him anything, other than the obligation to be generally polite, and not to be wantonly cruel, that she owes everyone. She should keep her distance if she wants to, and if he approaches her she should tell him politely but firmly that she isn’t interested in romance and that she would prefer not to be friends because that would be awkward. If he stalks her, she goes to the RA and the police, in that order, and in quick succession. Group activities where he is or might be involved – ah, that’s always the tough one. She has to decide based on context, but the more she’s interested in shutting him down the less she should spend time around him.</p>
<p>Of course, it’s not fair for her to be exiled from group activities because he has a crush on her, just as it wouldn’t be fair to exile him because she isn’t responding well. Too bad – someone has to bear the brunt of this minor unfairness or risk making things worse, and it would be counterproductive to have them negotiate over how to share the burden.</p>
<p>Thank you all. She did suggest that the guy stop by the counseling center–he already had…</p>
<p>She is almost 20, and on some levels, so, so mature. Her instincts I think have been right. The other thing that I did not mention that had kind of thrown her was that he talked about trying out for his schools rifle/shooting team. We all read the papers around here, so flags started flying.</p>
<p>My daughter had a guy that latched on and I basically warned her about guys but she didn’t believe me until he started to try to act in a controlling manner. I suggested that she just avoid him which she did and she ran out the clock as his grades weren’t good enough to continue at the school (which she knew). With daughters, my opinion is to trust their instincts. If they are wrong, then there shouldn’t be that much damage to either party.</p>
<p>That said, there are sociopaths out there that give off all of the right vibes that are very dangerous. The med-school killer at Boston University is a good example of that.</p>
<p>Sometimes polite does not work. She has no obligation to be polite to anyone she feels is crossing the boundary. This is a big problem young women have today. They have been conditioned to be nice and polite much to their detriment and many do not know how to say a firm “NO”, because they want to be “nice and polite” and not offend anyone. What we need to teach our daughters is to be upfront, not wishy washy and assertive. So that there are no mixed messages being sent. We tend to leave the door open a little, rather than just close it.</p>
<p>Gavin Becker wrote a book called “The Gift of Fear”. I gave it to my daughter when she went to college. It’s about how to decide what to do if someone “gives you the creeps.” After reading it, my answer to your daughter would be to read the book, and keep a close eye on the situation, but NOT try to be friendly or distant or anything else… just neutral.</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter what any of us think is appropriate or not in this situation. The important thing is that your D should trust her reactions to this guy. I have a D in college and she has told me of several situations where she was made uncomfortable by a guy in her room. One was a similar situation where there was a knock on her door and she opened it, expecting her girlfriend, and it was instead a large, aggressive guy who she knew from a class, who had had too much to drink. Fortunately, she managed to get him out the door but she was really scared, and from the sound of it, it could’ve gotten out of control (she had rejected him earlier and he couldn’t quite believe it). She knows of sexual assaults committed by male students on friends of hers, in their rooms. Now, I know that most guys are fine, and it is fine to have a male friend in your room if you are comfortable with him. But the fact that the OP’s D was creeped out by this guy enough to mention it to the OP suggests that she should stop, or limit as far as possible, any contact with him. </p>
<p>Personally, this kind of abject neediness AND an interest in guns would really creep me out!</p>
<p>I don’t think she really needs to read to book to figure out how to deal with it. My advice early on still stands.</p>
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<p>My personal opinion is that if she was sufficiently creeped out about it to talk with ones parents, she ought to talk with the residence life staff. They will know the person and the situation and be able to offer much better advice or guidance than any of us can, since we’re not there.</p>
<p>I totally agree with mousegay. She should not dismiss her inner voice. Pouring out his heart without checking how it was being received is a warning sign. Tough situation. There isn’t much authorities can do to help. In fact, Gavin Becher wrote that sometimes it gets worse when authorities get involved.</p>
<p>So far the guy has stopped by to see your D once. IF he stops by again, THEN it is a problem. I do not think she needs to borrow trouble by assuming that it is going to become a problem. (I’m guessing that since it is summer school, some of his regular friends are not around and he might be trying to get to know some new friends? And could it be possible that he is interested in one of her friends? Sometimes guys attempt to befriend the friend of someone they like.)</p>
<p>In the future, she should not open the door unless she knows who’s on the other side. If it’s him, all she has to do is not answer the door, or tell him (through the door) that she’s busy. If she runs into him elsewhere and he starts to “pour his heart out” to her, she should remind him that she is already in a relationship and is not comfortable talking to him like that.</p>
<p>I agree that a situation where a guy talks with you once is not something to get worked up about or starting reading books or deciding that the person is a pyschopathic killer.</p>
<p>With MD Mom probably would rather not know about it, I imagine that this scenario is by far not the scariest situation that MD Daughter has been involved with in either high school or college. Scary for a parent, yes…all parents worry that their kids will run into a pyschopathic killer. But kids expose them to tons of risks in college throughout their college years and that’s all part of the college experience.</p>
<p>That’s not to say that she shouldn’t be aware of her surroundings, walk with friends, carry a cell phone (or pepper spray / mace), and other normal security precautions. But until further unwanted contact is made, I don’t see any reason for alarm.</p>
<p>If further unwanted contact is made, then she should work with university officials rather than trying to figure out a plan of action by reading a book. Dorms are highly regulated, controlled environments where there are a lot of options for dealing with a misbehaving person. Contacting the authorities may not be as useful if you are living off-campus and the other person is not a student. But two people living in a dorm both going to (or affilated with) a college is a situation that can effectively be handled by university officials.</p>