I think that I would give this an 8 or 9 out of 12. I think that your examples and organization are all great. However, try to expand on your examples because they are all quite brief. Also, try not to start sentences with “but,” which I noticed a few times, as it is informal to do so. Additionally, I would suggest that you try to vary your sentence structure and try to make your essay flow a bit better, as well as use a few vocabulary words if you can. Overall, great examples and good job!
Can you please comment/grade mine in exchange? http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1729406-grade-comment-on-my-practice-essay-please.html