<p>^^^my D was in an extremely overcrowded triple freshman year in an extremely overcrowded dorm(w/coed bathrooms). She had her own bedroom all her life, and no brothers to help w/the initiation into the world of coed dorms and bathrooms. First semester flew by, all was new and fascinating at best, amusing at worst. Second sem, along w/snow and increasing demands, each of the three roomates had a meltdown at one time. They rallied around each other, and for the most part things improved quickly for the other two. When my D didn’t seem to snap out of her mood after a few weeks, I also sent her off alone to ‘contemplate her navel.’ This worked wonders. At her school, most kids get singles starting soph year, and w/the added privacy she thrived. I think singles for freshman can be isolating, but overcrowding and constant noise can really compound feelings of depression and add to the frustration. They all need to find somewhere to go to find a little solace, with that much needed contemplating of their navel. lol.</p>
<p>Cur- I would have preferred a hotel over UTAH!!! Just called WildChild-he claims to be in Ohio heading east. Your D could use the camping gear to head east to the Smokies!</p>
<p>Oh, MOWC, how very vexing! I am sorry to hear he is so disappointed; he seemed so sure of what he wanted. But, they’re 18. That pretty much throws all sureness out the window.</p>
<p>Full disclosure (well, not full, I’ll keep back a lot of details)–S is having a lousy year (as a junior.) It’s not the college, it’s particular issues. He had a spectacular first two years, with a great GPA. However, a crushing personal blow over the summer which carried into the school year, combined with an ill-advised decision to add a concentration (something between a major and a minor) which needed extensive prep in subjects he hadn’t touched in years, added up to a disastrous fall term. It’s amazing what you can do to a pretty GPA in one semester.</p>
<p>So, he is trying to right himself, both personally and academically, but he’s very closed-mouthed about how things are (“fine, fine”) and basically all I can do is fret, while trying to slip in unheeded advice–as in “Hey, I do this for a living–why isn’t my own kid listening to me?!”</p>
<p>So, a big sympathetic aaarrggghhh from me. </p>
<p>On the subject of transfer:
I’ve written extensively about my D’s gruesome frosh year and subsequent transfer. Like many here, she was sad, lonely, a duck out of water. Completely misjudged what kind of school she needed to be at. She started the transfer process a bit earlier (actually New Year’s Day was the day the big college guidebook got cracked open again), but she probably didn’t start the actual apps till about now. We did a ton of research: i helped with the fieldwork–transcripts, sATs, etc, and a couple college visits. Honestly, that was less work than the nightly teary phone calls. It all ended happily.</p>
<p>My one big piece of transfer-prep advice is—keep the grades up where they are. I can’t stress enough how much I urged D to not let the unhappiness affect her grades, so she’d have options. She did, and she did.</p>
<p>Thank god I only have two–one more roller coaster ride like this would do me in!</p>
<p>When you go through what the above parents are going through with a college student, you feel alone and think why my child. I wish from experience I could say it will all work out in the end, but I can only hope for that.</p>
<p>Some of you might remember my daughters story-She spent her freshman year attending a LAC that she loved, but at the beginning of second semester she decided she had to transfer. Her excuse was kids weren’t interested in studying, most weren’t smart, usually everyone spend all their time drinking, campus is isolated, negative, negative, negative. What surprised us was how happy she was first semester and what cause the turn around. I said go ahead and submit transfer applications and she could decided later if she really wanted to transfer. This LAC was tied as her first choice with a great state university (not our own.) She had decided she would rather attend the LAC as it was in a new area of the country and she felt a tad better fit. The state u had always been her dream school so we were surprised when she decided to apply ED II to LAC. I think she was afraid she would get into the state u and didn’t want to be rejected.</p>
<p>Daughter was admitted to state u and decides to attend this year, her sophomore year. Like first semester freshman year, second semester was great. Great friends, good grade, involved in activites that she would really miss if she didn’t stay. Fast forward to fall semester at state u and the child is very unhappy from the start. She really misses her old school and we come to find in November she want to go back! She made herself so sick that she decided to take this spring semester off and come home. She is on a leave from the state u and can return in the fall if she wants.</p>
<p>So now my daughter is applying to transfer back to her LAC and taking classes at a local college; not a full load as she wasn’t sure she was up to that at the time. She also had planned to do an internship, so she wanted to leave time opened for that. Speaking of the internship-she had her first interview as soon as she got home for winter break. She was told that with the holiday season she would be notified the first of the year. She never heard back so she started calling the second week of January. She was contacted again for another interview with the woman she would work with; the first interview was with the head of the department. They discussed hours, available days, vacation, etc. Again, she doesn’t hear back for weeks. Last week they call her back in to meet with the team of four. After that meeting she is told she will hear back the next day. The next day she is told they need a writing sample and the phone number of her last employer. She sends them what they want on Friday. Today she gets an email that states their internship needs have changed and she wouldn’t be a good fit and good luck! These people strung her along for 2 months and now she has no internship for the spring. She feels like her entire semester was just a huge waste of time. She explained in her transfer application that she was coming home for the internship and to take a few classes; the company gave her the impression all along that she would have the job. Now what does she do? It is too late to find a spring internship and she will need to tell her old school she didn’t get the internship. How can a company give a student the impression they have a job, take 2 months to make a decision, and feel good about themselves? Sorry, I am a bit bitter; don’t you think they knew she wasn’t a good fit over a month ago? They didn’t have other applicants for this internship, this came to her by word of mouth. Their regular internship program is during the summer.</p>
<p>OK, I am done venting!</p>
<p>Prepare for platitudes. And believe me when I say that they are heartfelt nonetheless. I have now come to understand, without question, that that silly saying, “Into each life some rain”, seems to be empirically true. And if it happens in college, well, that’s a pretty damn minimal impact time for it to happen.</p>
<p>I’m in the time of life where marriages are imploding all around. And yet, like most people, I know one couple who appear to truly truly love eachother. Two wonderful kids. Dad started a local business when young that is now a pillar of the community. Mom uses her high level talents in volunteer work that really matters. Perfect, right? She finds out she has fast-moving breast cancer. Double mastectomy. OK for now.</p>
<p>My sister. One of the best people I know, committed to public service, good friend, dear sister. Infertile with dearly loved second husband. IVF repeated failures. Finally, an natural, miracle pregnancy. But. It’s ectopic. And chemicals don’t terminate it, she has to actually have a physical pregnancy termination.</p>
<p>Now on to college students. My D, overachiever like all of yours, and plus the type who never touched alcohol, woke up in a pool of her own vomit second semester freshman year, with no memory of the night before. Really had to struggle with controlling drinking. And yes, there’s alcohol abuse in my family. Praise be to the God in which I do not believe, in her sophomore year she is happy and moving forward fine.</p>
<p>We can only hope to bear witness to our own lives honorably. I am so amazed at the posters here, 'fessing up to the times our shiny pearls of children have their troubles. Because, it might make us less shiny, right? I think that those willing to post are very good parents. Not that others may not be. But when I read these posts I think to myself, ah, they care more for their children than their own pride. Ah. These children will most likely be just fine. </p>
<p>Remember when they were little? And they had their tantrums or their whining or their biting habits? Remember how first we thought we could stop the behaviour and then we realized it was more about living through the phase honorably? Being consistent? Being authentic? Staying in a place where we could feel love for them? Please excuse my sappiness but that’s what I read here. Sure, it’s just an anonymous board, but take this as the sound of one person sitting in the auditorium applauding you. And your children, who are lucky to have you as parents.</p>
<p>Alumother said it all and very eloquently. Momofwildchild, I am so glad your son is safe–that is the absolute most important fact. And he may be on his way to truly discovering what will make him happy. Mine has sent his transfer application in, so am hoping that will at least give an option. However, mine is so fearful of change that I could see him staying where he doesn’t feel comfortable just because he fears change more. Your son was willing to take action–maybe not in the way you would have advised, but he felt he had to get away and acted on it in his way.</p>
<p>There are so many wonderful, caring, involved parents on this board and MOWC you among the top of these.</p>
<p>Snowball, I hate it that the internship fell through for your daughter–why do people string others along like that? It certainly didn’t happen through any fault of hers.</p>
<p>Thanks for the kind remarks. I love all these posts. I always try to share as much as I can- as soon as my son has made things public himself- so that others can learn and benefit.</p>
<p>I have learned enough that when I called the other boy’s father at 2:30am the other night, I said, “This is XXXXX. THE BOYS ARE FINE AND NO ONE IS HURT, BUT…”</p>
<p>mkm–Transfering is HARD. Really hard. My D agonized back and forth right up to the end of the semester. At that time in her life, she absolutely abhored change. (She’s much better about it now.) But, it came down to when she imagined herself back at the original school the next fall, she could imagine nothing good or hopeful. So, she had to leave. I wouldn’t have supported it had she felt she had any choice; for her, with her character, that was the point she had to get to.</p>
<p>garland–I do realize that it is a very hard decision and I can’t give any first hand experience with it as I stayed at the school where I started. I have related to him stories from CC and from other parents where the student transferred and it was a great choice and also the ones where they found the “grass was not greener”. My H. and I just keep telling him that we will support whatever he decides. I think it is so scary for him knowing that as a junior transfer, there is no going back.</p>
<p>Of course it could be a moot point as he doesn’t have acceptance in hand. He has tried to make a list of pros and cons of each school and really the lists are pretty even–just depends on what categories he wants to weight heavier. </p>
<p>I think he too will agonize until the final date, so much will depend on how this semester goes socially and emotionally.</p>
<p>I admire the brave and honest posts made on this thread. It goes to show how difficult it can be to determine “fit” during the brief amount of time a student visits before deciding. My pipe dream: universal gap year. I’ve said before that if I could wave a wand, all high school seniors planning to go to college would take time off first to work, volunteer, travel, get to know themselves away from the h.s. world, and visit colleges over time without the pressure of a rapidly approaching decision deadline. </p>
<p>MOWC: great story. Isn’t it interesting how the two former low-life friends are the ones who actually appreciated what your S and friend were giving up by going AWOL. Were these kids in college, just not one as well respected as WC’s? Or were they out in the working world and understood how important it was to steer these kids back to college? Just curious.</p>
<p>Think of the added benefit to the child of not having the whole college app/waiting stress during senior year. They would actually enjoy their last year of high school as it was meant to be.</p>
<p>Re: the low-lifes (I feel guilty for calling them that now…) Not in college. One quit high school and didn’t even manage to get his GED yet. He is very bright, but has ADD to the point where he can’t even get it together to take the right meds. He was a kid who needed some kind of residential therapeutic program but his single-parent mom didn’t have the resources. The other kid struggled with alcohol and drug abuse and is doing well- for now. He is living with his girlfriend, who was the sanest of the bunch, and the lessor of the apartment they were all in. She is a junior at Purdue. I am going to send them a little something ($$$) as thanks for what they did for the Ivy princes!
Just got a call “from the road”. They are stuck in a huge traffic back up in Ohio, but heading for their lifeline- their trusted mentor/advisor/coach at their boarding school. I am thrilled with this decision. It’s on their way back to college and I would have suggested it myself, but if I had, the idea would have been rejected. He doesn’t know what is about to land on his doorstep, but this man is a gem.</p>
<p>deb922 – no advice, I just think your son is so lucky to have you for a mom. I wish him and you all the best. </p>
<p>MomofWildChild – Wow, never a dull moment! Glad to hear that your son is headed to a good place. </p>
<p>Alumother – I loved your post.</p>
<p>Wow, I went out for a little while and found this thread on page 3. MOWC, life is never simple with your S, is it. Glad to hear that they are stopping off to talk to their coach. I have a feeling that he will try to put those boys on the right track.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone who has shared their stories. It is very heartwarming to hear that my S is not the only one and I am not the only parent to get these phone calls. </p>
<p>I think that these sort of issues are esp. hard for our boys. While it is hard for girls, they can express their emotions and it is more accepted. Boys are taught to tough it out and push through their emotions.</p>
<p>I’m going to ask my S to apply to another school to transfer. That way, he’ll have that option if things don’t get better. He doesn’t have to transfer but it will be good to keep that option open. It’s funny but a post on the Parents forum is about techie schools and digmedia posted about his experiences at GA Tech and unhappiness at the tech schools that are overwhelmingly male. </p>
<p>We looked long and hard to find a school where he would be happy. He has a very specialized major and we concentrated on the major. We also thought that a tech school would be more serious and condusive to studying. He also is on a sub free floor and thought that would help his adjustment. There are people who don’t study that much at a tech school and people drink on a sub free hall.</p>
<p>I wish your son the best (and you too!) I thought I would be enjoying my emptynesting right about now, but I have put it on hold for a bit. </p>
<p>Here’s hoping all our kids find what there are looking for. Yes this is a learning experience for all, but I for one am tired of learning!!!</p>
<p>Transferring is scary. I transferred after my soph. year not because I was unhappy at my school but because I got married. All at once I was at a new school in a new city far from home with a new husband and a new life where I suddenly had be an adult.
Kudos to your kids for being brave enough to say that they are willing to make a change for the better even if it is terrifying at first. Let them know that they are not letting you down by leaving the school that everybody thought was the perfect “fit”. Sometimes shoes that fit perfectly in the store hurt yuor feet once you wear them to work!</p>
<p>Deb, been to this movie also. The way we chose to handle this was to get a little parent TLC onsite. I rearranged a business trip slightly, drove down from Washington and surprised him. He walked into his room and I was sitting at his computer. I could only be there for a night but I took him out to dinner and we talked about the situation. A couple of weeks later I sent my wife down for the weekend. After that things were fine, friends increased, roomates appeared, classes got easier, less complaining. Some people just get bummed out during the winter, when spring comes and warmer weather plus the end of the school year attitudes usually improve. Sometimes they just need some stroking and to know that my Parents really do care enough about me to come and help me through it.</p>
<p>It’s a hugh transistion for these mortals of only 17 or 18 years old, but as time goes on you get adjusted to the flow and it becomes more like their home. Their tie’s back to the home front become less and less.</p>
<p>Deb922, I would probably do the same thing, have the kid apply for a transfer, just in case. Just knowing that there is a plan B can be very helpful psychologically. Also, is it possible to do something in between – can he take a leave of absence and take classes at another school? That way maybe he could get an idea of what it is like at another school without cutting ties. Just a thought. That is the type of question a dean could answer. My sister did that years ago. And a friend of mine who was a student at a techie school did that years ago. Both ended up graduating from their original schools. I think it is not uncommon for kids to take a leave of a semester or a year and then return.</p>
<p>MOWC:</p>
<pre><code>It’s great that they have a non-parent adult mentor to turn to. Sounds like you will be sending out more than one BIG THANK YOU gift card…
</code></pre>
<p>Ahh, the power of the older girlfriend. My friend’s son was somewhat of a Lost Boy until recently. He is one of those very bright kids (started reading at three) who tested off the charts on SATs but wouldn’t do homework. At 16, he found the GED exam online, took it, passed it, and then announced, “I’m not going to high school anymore.” He worked, dabbled in some classes in community college but stopped going to school again, a few credits shy of the A.A. He also worked full time in a film-editing business and read computer programming books on the side. He is 21 now, getting his A.A. in the spring and working on applications to four-year colleges to finish his education. The key motivator? He met a lovely young woman a few years older who has already graduated from college and basically told him to get his a-- in gear so they could have a life together. They met at Starbucks, where she worked while putting herself through college; he came in everyday during the period when he was working instead of going to cc. </p>
<p>As others have said, there are many individual paths to adulthood, college, and success. If a student needs to step off the college treadmill for a period of time to figure things out, it’s okay. Think of it as a belated gap year.</p>
<p>I would also suggest a leave of absence instead of a withdrawal to test the waters. My daughter withdrew from her LAC because in her words, “Even if I don’t get in anywhere else, I will not return here.” Well, those were her famous last words; not she is trying to return to her first school, but has to apply as a transfer since she withdrew. As this is a very small LAC, her chances are not great to return. In years past they only took a couple of transfer students. We are hoping that as a previous student she might have a leg up, but who knows. She even called to ask iof her withdrawal could be changed to a leave; unfortunately she didn’t make that call until a month ago. The Dean told her had she called in September when she knew school #2 wasn’t a fit for her they might have been able to work something out. </p>
<p>I feel so bad that she has been in such a state of confusion. This is not just a child always wanting to have what she wants. She let peer pressure get the best of her and not trusting her own judgement. After transferring, even knowing it wouldn’t be easy, she had to deal with situational depression; coming home for a semester was her best option at the time. Why she feels much better emotionally and physically, she is so ready to be back on campus. When we have discussed why she said she hated her first school so much even though she was happy, she responded, “You know when you are unhappy, all you see is the negative. My friends from home convienced me I was missing so much being at a LAC that I started believing it when I returned 2nd semester.” The friends she made at her LAC are so supported of her. She in online or on the phone with one of then at least every day. She just sent them a care package of baked goods on Monday and is going up for a visit during her spring break. If she isn’t readmitted I am not sure I won’t be more upset than she will be. Of course, she will not have a decision until June. I can not stand this waiting-one child, 3 years of applications! Will it even end?</p>
<p>If I can only offer one piece of advice it would be -never withdraw, take a leave!!</p>