The key things are to find a knowledgeable attorney and plan on several meetings just to outline the boundaries of what you want to accomplish (and how). Each time we had a meeting I would walk out thinking “OK, we’re all set” only to come up with several more questions a day or two later. In all we had about 4 meetings just in planning and asking questions. You may need less, or more depending on your circumstances. Additionally, since laws change, be prepared to make changes and amendments over the years.
I am following with great interest. I would eventually like to do something similar but family circumstances and relationships are much worse. I would like to set up a trust that would not disqualify the relative from receiving services (though they currently refuse them) so that they could be housed. But not have to take on the liability of the relative trashing a rental or owned home (because that’s been done already). Is there any such thing that would allow our money to be used but not make us financially responsible for the bad decisions down the road? Renting an apartment for example, I am not willing to be the leaseholder for the relative because I see unrelenting financial liability in that. I have been in awe of how you navigate all the systems, but I don’t have any cooperation from my relative to be of that kind of help. But eventually they will have a severe health crisis that will require stable housing.
For many families / assets, the easiest thing is to define spouse as co-owner and kids as joint beneficiaries (at least until you get around to doing something fancier, if needed). OP’s situation with special needs son of course is different - I’m just putting in the general tip.
We set up a trust years ago that is set up like @colorado_mom suggested above. Now, things are different. Both kids through school. We have more money than we did when we set up the trust. Last meeting with Financial Advisor, she raised questions and we are redoing our trust. If my H and I were to die together next week, I am not confident the kids (28 and 26) would be served best by getting that money right now.
They are good kids but young and without much life experience. We have an appointment with an estate planning attorney which sounds so pretentious to me as we are not 1 or 5 or 20 percenters. But I want to protect them as best we can. Right now, I have asked my sister to be the trustee. She is willing but I want to ask the attorney more questions about that. This stuff is hard.
It sounds like you have a good lawyer for your special case.
We did our wills and trust decades ago, when son was young. We finally redid it a couple of years ago in a different state. Guardianship was no longer needed. Trustee was changed from contemporaries to the younger generation with good sense and should outlive us. Knowing the type of person one chooses matters.
Also be sure to include parameters for medical power of attorney paperwork in the event you can no longer assume that role. Have things spelled out so the person taking over decison making in reality has little to decide- just follow the instructions. Our current attorney had a couple of pages we each marked for all sorts of scenarios, not required but good info. Being detailed now may mean a lot decades later when issues come up and you are not available to optimize care.
Remember that this is an imperfect world and no legal document can be perfect. Get the job done and out of mind. Five years (more/less) you can revise- too often costs too much and takes too much effort.
One thing you may want to consider. How to name the trust. We did both of our long names and the recent lawyer commented how it would have been much easier without such a long trust title. Never knew could have chosen something “short and sweet” instead of full names for the title.
PS- thank goodness there are people who enjoy doing this sort of thing for a living. We’re physicians so doing the medical lists was easy, thankfully someone else got to do all of the detail work.
White picket fence,
After my son turned 21 or so, I redid the Trust. I had to eliminate trustees, as several had died., and replace, we set it up with $ distributed at 25, 30, and 35.
Last year I redid it again, as son became engaged. I believe we considered every option for the next 10 years.