In the UK people do use more florid language than we do here and that can be understood, but to misuse words is very negative and to appear to insert vocabulary awkwardly is not considered good writing today. You have to be more sophisticated for these sort of top colleges. To say something with simple powerful language means you have something to say. Having something meaningful to say is important in college essays, really distilling your language even if it doesn’t feel as if it has proper transitions, that is why vague language is the kiss of death. I was never saying to elaborate about your EC necessarily, but you really aren’t saying anything concrete in the above, most all of it has to be inferred.