Never again post an essay online. Go to the essay forum and trade with established posters or readers. Read the warnings posted at the top of that forum.
That said you should not use this anyway as it has significant problems. First it lacks specificity. Don’t use the word ‘various’ instead of being specific. Same with why brown is better–say why. What were ‘all the extra ciriculars’? What did you do to be flexible? When you use vague language the writing is flabby and uninteresting, boring really.
Second, some of your sentences just don’t make sense. You are not pulling off this vocabulary and it seems forces and overly florid. Simple, sincere clear writing will better serve you.