Should daughter move with me?

Parents Forum
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<p>We had to move our kids a lot throughout their schooling, but it just happened that each squeaked out a solid Grade 9-12 in the same location. In general, moving was helpful when they left for college and knew how to leave and recreate themselves in a new community. THEY said so, not me (one even based his personal essay on the positives of multiple moves growing up). They also watched us go through the process of readjusting positively to each new community, H is clergy, ugh, those moves…I’m the only one who doesn’t like them. I have curtain rods from every house and none of them work in the new place! Oh well.</p>

<p>The only time I’ve argued for a family to let a kid stay put (with an aunt or family friend) is if its just the senior year.</p>

<p>Most of my kids only knew each teacher for the last two years of h.s. and they got great recommendations based on a year of a course. </p>

<p>If a kid can learn to embrace change and “bloom where they are planted” it’s a good lesson for living in the 21st century. It’s all in the attitude. </p>

<p>The only thing we did each time was meet as a family with the Guidance Counselor in late August, in order to enlarge the attention to our kid’s needs at the transition moment. We said we were supportive of schools and just wanted to meet everybody together. It went well and our kids were well-received in their new locations each time. It’s all in the attitude you bring to it. At age 12, my D (who of all 3 loved moving the most) said, “Why are all the books about how bad it is to move?” She truly liked the process and perhaps one day will write a different version for young adults. She really thought the books about it were drippy.</p>

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<p>Other posts by this OP say the daughter is in middle school. If that is the case, I say…move with the family. What are you going to do? Have her live with someone for five years? That makes no sense. She will have relocated before starting high school. If she were a junior in high school, I might think a little differently…but not someone in junior high or middle school.</p>

<p>Re: recommendations…I do NOT think that recommendations from her current Junior High/Middle School teachers will help her much in the college application process in five years.</p>

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<p>This is a tough situation. </p>

<p>I would not worry about the college application / recommendation type issues … there are 3000 schools out there … your daughter’s college application process will turn out fine in the end.</p>

<p>I would worry about family dynamics though … each family and each child is unique. For some kids moving during the middle of their junior year would be tramatic … for others it would be no big deal. For some families have a parent living away from home for 18 months or so would be tramatic and for others it would be no big deal.</p>

<p>Kids are amazingly resilant and flexible … figure out waht you think works best for your family and things should work out fine in the end.</p>

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<p>A dissenting voice here.</p>

<p>School has already started, D is a junior, half-way through the first semester. If she moves NOW, she will have to catch up with a curriculum which may be quite different from the one she is following now. That, in itself, would be a bit difficult. But she also has to make herself known to new schoolmates and teachers. </p>

<p>I vote she stays in her present high school for this year and moves next year when she is a senior. She can get recs from her current teachers and GC and take them with her to the new school, to be added to her dossier. When she moves next fall, she can start the new school year at the same time as the rest of the new school. Granted, she will not be known to her new teachers, but in most cases, that is also true of students who stay in the same school all four years. The disruption, however, will be less.</p>

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<p>Consider having her finish junior year at current school, and then moving for senior year. Recommendations would then come from prior school’ teachers. Most schools are looking at 9-11th grade grades, activities, EC’s etc anyway. I think the separation will be difficult on everyone. So maybe a compromise and let her finish junior year, then relocate.</p>

<p>Well, we posted at the same time! Great idea!</p>

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<p>Move the whole family together. If nothing else, the experience will give her a great subject for her college app essays!</p>

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<p>^I hope the above post is tongue-in-cheek.<br>
1.Nothing, whether it’s an expensive trip to China in summer or moving hundred of miles in the middle of the school year, should be done with an eye to providing fodder for a college admission essay.
2. Essays are not as important as GPAs, scores, recs, in the admission process.
3. What would the topic be? A sob story about not having friends in a new school? Justification for why grades are not higher?</p>

<p>Keep in mind how much children and parents actually see each other during the course of a day. Between classes and ECs, not a whole lot. Most of the day for a high schooler is spent in school. If both schools are on the block schedule, then the move in mid-year makes some sense. If not, wait until July. </p>

<p>Families that stay together… great. But there are lots of students who go to boarding schools, and they are still able to maintain close family ties.</p>

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<p>Every move can be traumatic with changes in friends and routines. There is only one time which I consider to be really difficult or a necessity to avoid and that is junior-senior year of high school. We have made move at other times with minimal impact. Sometimes there just isn’t a reasonable choice.</p>

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<p>“writing recommendation letters for college”…</p>

<p>Don’t worry about this…you are over analyzing the college application process….admissions officers see the all of the time…simply point out he fact that you moved during your D HS years……</p>

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<p>Assuming that your daughter is currently an 11th grader, would she be able to complete the graduation requirements at the new school by the end of 12th grade?</p>

<p>Sometimes, the requirements differ so drastically from one district or state to another that students need an extra year of high school to complete them. That would be an argument against moving your daughter.</p>

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<p>As a high school teacher please let me reassure that, while there are morons in every profession, the high school teaching world is by and large filled with people who care deeply for teens. When I get a new kid in my class I go out of my way to make them feel comfortable by opening up my room at lunch, introducing them to a couple of kids and checking in to be sure things are going well and pretty much just trying to ease the transition. I really can’t imagine a situation where a teacher would favor a student b/c they had been in the school longer. Your D will have no trouble getting good solid recs. </p>

<p>Best of luck and please don’t underestimate the value of a dad to a high school girl. Your family belongs together.</p>

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<p>I support the idea of moving the family after the Junior year; but I think you should contact her new school and make sure that the graduation requirement can be finished in one year (i.e.when we moved, our kids found out that their new school has a three-year history requirement). And another question to ask: will she be able to get into the Honors and AP classes at her new school? In our case, all the advanced classes were full by summer, and the kids had to go to “regular” classes. Lots of schools have some requirements for AP classes (kids take tests in Spring and/or have to get a recommendation from their teacher).</p>

<p>If the state under question has the option of Cyber Chapter school, I’d consider that one, too. </p>

<p>To separate for a year or less is OK; but I would not want to do that for two years (and after that DD will be gone to college…)</p>

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<p>I double Marian’s post about checking out additional state requirements for graduation. Also, is in-state public university a consideration? I’d be hard pressed to move out of state within the next four years; I have two kids on a state scholarship. If she’s thinking about going to her state university system, I’d try to keep the in state tuition as long as I could.</p>

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<p>I guess we need additional clarification from the OP: Is your daughter in Junior High School (i.e., 6th, 7th, 8th or possibly 9th grade) or is she a junior in high school (i.e. 11th grade)? I read the initial post as the former; others have clearly read it as the latter.</p>

<p>Advice and thoughts won’t be really helpful until we know for sure.</p>

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<p>OP did respond in post #11; daughter is a high school junior (11th grade).</p>

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<p>OK, I’ve lived a similar scenario twice.</p>

<p>Like OP (feel free to PM), I lost a job that was impossible to replicate in a town when my kids were in 3th and 5th grades. Ended up taking a job 300 miles away in February leaving the kids to follow for the last 6 weeks of school in the new city. Drove back and forth for many weekends and phoned home daily to the kids. </p>

<p>2.5 years later I get laid off again and find a temp with option to hire 650 miles away in September. My job still is difficult to replicate in most smaller cities, BTW. Leave the children (now entering 6th and 8th) with wife and live in efficiency apt in new town for school year (when job went permanent), but due to nature of job can only return every other month during the temp portion of job.</p>

<p>Personal experience - It is definitely not easy. I feel for the OP.</p>

<p>My kids are wonderful and have gotten over the absences. In fact I think it went a long way to prepare my D (the younger of the 2) for her current experience in boarding school (her choice BTW - 1000 miles from home - we only see her at holidays).</p>

<p>I don’t know what the family dynamics of this household are, but if you can do every weekend at home, it is probably OK at this age. Most teenagers have a very active life outside of home and if your’s is the “Hi Dad - By Dad” type (very independent), things will be OK with the children. The wife, well… YMMV </p>

<p>However if your family is the type who discusses the days comings and goings every night over dinner, get the For Sale sign posted this week.</p>

<p>I’m of a type who thinks that continuity in the day-to-day life is important. Teen-aged kids actually spend more time in school and related activities than with their parents and that is probably the more critical anchor to manage (parents are more likely to put better effort into accommodating the situation than a new school). If they are well anchored in their school this year and you can make the family life OK with weekends, I would say move them next summer.</p>

<p>As to the teacher references, I think you should be able to get the teachers to write them at the end of this year, explaining the situation. These are the teachers who know your child the best and can write the most thorough letter. The colleges will understand a generic recommendation letter from the end of 11th grade, given your situation.</p>

<p>Good luck and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. However, I will warn you that my email is not working right now so If you could wait a day or 2 (until my lousy cable provider can fix it) I’ll be better able to respond - my PM box is subject to daily overflow, so I depend on email to tell me whose PMs I miss.</p>

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<p>I have heard it argued that there are some advantages to moving mid-year. Kids in a new school are unique and less lost in the beginning of the year shuffle so that more effort is made to help them fit in. I moved many times, but not in high school, and not mid year. My parents did move out of the country my senior year, but as it had been anticipated I just went from being a day to a boarding student at the school I was attending. </p>

<p>I do agree with other posters, that before any decisions are made find out what the consequences are in terms of graduation requirements, GPA calculations, AP availability etc. </p>

<p>My son got one of his recommendations from a junior year teacher - he figured he knew him much better than someone who had only had him for a couple of months.</p>

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<p>Oops, sorry; don’t know how I missed post #11!</p>

<p>I know that my d would have been devastated to move at that age, whether during or after junior year. In addition to her great group of friends, she had moved into the advanced classes at her dance studio, and also assistant taught at the studio. Those particular positions probably wouldn’t have been replicated anywhere else, given the timing. If your d has something similar (varsity sport, lead in the school play, honors chorus, or such), you may need to put that into the equation as well.</p>

<p>A local family near us also faced the situation that you’re facing. They chose the “split” - Dad went to the new job, mom and daughters stayed at old location until then-junior daughter finished high school, and then moved to dad’s location (younger girl starting 9th grade in new location). Dad came up every other weekend; school vacations were spent all together. It was tough, but it worked for them.</p>

<p>Good luck with whatever you decide!</p>

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<p>I moved states in the middle of HS, though to a place I loved. Still, it was hard to start over. Once the first few months passed, I was happier and more challenged than ever. At that age I found my challenges in the arts, not in academics. Long range, I think it made me more flexible, better at making friends in new environments, more understanding of difference. My kids have lived in the same place kindergarden through HS. I love the continuity, especially the long term relationships formed. But also, I think certain interpersonal skills would have been better developed with a change in setting or two. </p>

<p>Senior year in HS is a precious time, and I’d think you want to be there for the day to day exuberance that is part of that year.</p>

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<p>When we moved from New Jersey to Maryland, the people who bought our old house wanted to be in during May. To accommodate them, we moved our kids to their new home and new schools a month before the school year ended.</p>

<p>This worked well because they were only 6th and 3rd graders and because we checked ahead of time and found out that the new school did not give final exams to 6th graders (the school my 6th grader was coming from did). The kids got to meet new friends before school ended, and one of them even found a school-sponsored summer activity (a band camp), which he attended with one of his new friends.</p>

<p>But I would NEVER have done this to a high schooler, even if it meant living in a motel for a month. A high schooler who moved in May would have to take final exams in June on a curriculum that might differ dramatically from what he had actually covered. Even moving in the middle of the year could be a problem because of differences in the order of topics and textbooks used even in courses with identical names.</p>