<p>Thank you all for the insight. To elaborate on my social problems at Reed: I have a handful of friends that are scattered in different milieus but I have not integrated into any particular unit, and on a day to day basis it translates into isolation. I think that a lot of bonds are in fact formed in the very beginning, and a lot of the people I still interact with I met then, but when I first came to Reed I didn’t really make as much of an effort as I should have. Thus far I’ve had no luck actually situating myself in any kind of group–though I do try, and haven’t found a fit–and as a result, I’m in the library on Friday and Saturday until I get kicked out at midnight. I think Reed’s small size makes it hard. The odds of finding a fellow and like-minded outsider go down significantly.</p>
<p>vossron’s question stuck out to me:
“Have you been much happier in the past, such that this change to being unhappy is the problem? Is time crawling such that you can’t face another 2 1/2 years of it?”
I guess what I’m dealing with is that I wanted something–to get the hell out of Reed and Portland–for so long and now I don’t feel exactly as I did. And the reason I hesitate is that I fear it’s not stable. I mean, I’ve only reached this point in the past month and a half, and I don’t want it to be just a phase I slip out of after I commit to being here. And also, I mean, I’m content here. I could take another 2 1/2 years of this, I believe. But as I said in my original post, I’m not happy. I feel like I live class to class–and Reed’s all-consuming course work makes this easier. The weekends are harder for me. And when I get sad here, I get really, really, world-crushingly sad. Sometimes I feel like my contentment is not rooted in anything solid but is rather only delicately balancing above a fundamental despair.</p>
<p>But most of the time I feel really, really okay. And I feel proud of what I’m doing academically, which is nice. I kind of don’t want to go.</p>
<p>Reed nurtures unhappiness, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. What I’m working with now is: Reed is so isolated in culture, lifestyle, and, somehow, location from anything most students see themselves doing in the future–I know this is true for me and for the people I confide in–that it’s kind of depressing and terrifying. It’s very much a transition period, with a lot of unknowns at the far end, and I think that’s hard to deal with during a part of life that one is expected to associate with adulthood. I think New York represented to me a thrust against that particular phenomenon: unlike Portland, I would be living in a place I would choose to live. Barnard seemed to lack the “bubble” quality that is associated with Reed and seemed like a more fluid transition into “real life” (whatever that is).</p>
<p>I think that what I’m experiencing now is simply fear of regret. It’s more than likely that I would be able to come back to Reed (after having talked to the Dean of Students) in the fall if I didn’t like Barnard. I have some fears about it interfering with the language sequence I need in order to graduate from Reed in four years–still waiting to hear back from the Columbia Latin professor–and some sweet classes lined up for next semester, but other than that, there’s really not a whole lot to lose. So maybe it really does make sense for me to at least try Barnard. At the same time, I don’t know if my heart’s in it anymore. And I don’t know how much I’d learn in a few months; it took me this long to crack Reed.</p>
<p>I know this is highly personal and likely uninteresting stuff–or at least stuff that doesn’t lead to a definite answer, and thus might be tedious by now–but it’s been nice to hear from all of you and I thank you; if you have any more advice I’d still love to read it.</p>