You freely CHOOSE to pay for your kids’ college, so in all fairness you have to let your kids to freely CHOOSE to either support you or not in your retirement. We withdrew a lot from our retirement funds, but it was OUR free choice. I do not feel that my kids has any obligation to pay us back in any kind shape or form. I rather hope that they help their own kids instead of thinking about us. Who knows maybe they choose to do so and maybe not, this facts of life will not affect our relationships. If they choose us over their own kids, I most likely object this decision.
@GMTplus7 Yes, we can see it first hand.
@lookingforward Yes, UCI and SD are less expensive than private colleges; that’s why we chose them when he applied. He never even tried to get to private colleges. We consciously tried to apply for admission in-state of California to avoid out of state tuition. However, I didn’t know about full-ride scholarships out of state. He got admitted to UCI, UCSD, and CSUB.
@MiamiDAP Yes, it is my own choice. It is a choice I am making now that would help me form a decision today and future expectation. I want to get the opinion of others who have experience about this.
As a child, was your parents’ decision to help, or not to help you pay for college a factor when you made a decision to help/or not help them in turn?
As a parent, would you expect your child to help you just because you helped them pay for college?
My own answer, as a child, I am helping my dad now even though he didn’t support me to go to college (I didn’t even finish college). He did not support me because he really can’t. He was poor.
What if I he can afford it and yet did not support me, would that change my mind about helping him? Just many ifs and buts.
You seem to be projecting blame? Will they fault me? Sometimes all you can do is sit down and define what is reasonable, today. “I can afford X.” “I could (do Y) which could add some dollars.” “I cannot go beyond Z.”
The future support question is separate from big price spending. You either raised great kids who will do their best for you, what they can, or you have kids who focus on their own wants. We’ve seen lots of each on CC.
Mine are out of college now. We joke that, if they win big in the lottery, they can share. But the support I expect is emotional, the togetherness, having my back, holiday dinners together. We worked on that over the decades, showed them how we care for family members and for each other. We talk often enough about how parents need to forward project for their own future needs, what the real wisdom is. (And how what parents do today for their own retirement is a huge gift.) They understand. For my kids, that’s oddly liberating, a form of role modeling that shows them how to make good choices, have fun and do some great discretionary things, but keep an eye on the future.
But as I said, we built toward this closeness since they were little. And I believe many other parents here will say the same. (Not counting the one or two who demand it, as part of their definition of family.)
Btw, mine are paying off loans and griping. Not once have they ever blamed us for this or said, why didn’t you X with your money.
No, I do not expect it.
OP: you’re modeling to them what a loyal son does – you’ve helped your dad when you didn’t have money and now when you do. I think saying to them “I cannot go beyond Z” is perfectly logical and your example in other ways will be more important. Either they carry that value or they won’t. I don’t think their having to carry some of the financial burden now will change that – as long as you’re fair and don’t otherwise irk them with wasteful spending e.g. you get X dollars but I’m going to blow Y dollars every year on new cars, vacations, luxuries.
I want my children to grow up and be self sufficient. To help them do that I think it important to model self sufficiency. This means making decisions to sacrifice things I might want now to prepare for later. I’ve had many decision points in my life. Which house to buy, whether or not to purchase a particular vehicle, whether or not to go on a specific vacation and how much to spend on our children’s college education. Each of these will affect how much I have in the way of resources to take care of myself when I’m retired. I don’t expect anything from my children other than they grow up to make sound decisions. Hopefully, by making good decisions myself, I have set them up to do the same. The same applies to other aspects of their life, honesty, faith, caring for others, charity etc.
<??? earning minimum wages and then suddenly $170k per year? What WERE you doing before and what are you doing now?>
For example: graduate student - PostDoc - PostDoc - PostDoc - TA - Lecturer - Research assistant - left academia and moved into industry - 170K.
I certainly expect ALL support from my kids, including financial. I do financially support parents and in-laws.
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I remember living on $17K per year. Taxes were not an issue. All medical expenses - either free or heavily subsidized. I lived in a housing project, it was extremely cheap. Lots of donated food.
Now, I have taxes, mortgage, medical expenses, kid’s education expenses, taking care of parents and in-laws. In the end, I have less free money (for personal entertainment) than I used to have on 17K.
I would scrub toilets and be the greeter at Walmart before I’d depend on my kids to support me. There would have to be something really, really dire - like heaven forbid H and I were paralyzed in an accident or something - before I’d want them to support me.
Some employers cover tuition. For example, USC covers 100% of USC tuition for all children of USC employees (including secretaries and janitors). Stanford covers 50% of tuition for any US university for children of Stanford employees.
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OK, I have a different opinion. Very different.
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I feel a personal disgrace to buy a new Lexus for myself, when my mother in law is driving an old Toyota. Just feel uncomfortable.
Californiaaa, you’re off track. OP was not a grad student, is not a college employee, and is not trying to manipulate his kids.
The location of the school is irrelevant. You should be focusing on the NET COST. An OOS school that grants generous money might be cheaper than an instate public. Set a realistic budget for each kid and try to stick to it. Note that I did NOT say identical budget. Different kids have different needs-- that’s reality.
While your kids still have time in high school to impact things, push them to excel High achievement will unlock merit aid opportunities.
There are a number of schools that offer automatic full tuition merit scholarships for high stats. Seriously consider them. One school that particularly impressed when we visited was Univ of Alabama-- wow! Exceeded expectation in every way.
Do not over-stretch yourself financially to pay for college. The CC forum is littered with sob stories of families who said they’d somehow find a way to pay for pricey “dream school”, only to have income cashflow reality bite and child having to withdraw from expensive school.
The state university in town will cost us 10k per year, that’s including everything. However, it doesn’t have an ABET degree.
Extensive discussion about the OP’s son’s college options and cost/affordability considerations can be found in this thread: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1884852-need-advice-for-my-specific-case-paying-for-sons-college-what-to-do-not-to-do.html
And I’d sell a kidney before letting my parents live in poverty.
I think scrubbing toilets, like selling a kidney, is an expression. Not necessarily a plan.
This is about two contrasting philosophies. Some would say that they helped their kids because that’s only natural for a parent, believe their kids don’t owe them anything, and view being dependent on another person as a source of shame. Others believe a child should look after his/her parents when they can’t go it alone.
I tend to agree with the latter school of thought. My parents spent 18 years looking after me and helped me become who I am today; the world is an unpredictable place, bad things can happen to good people, and if they ever fall on hard times I’ll be there.