Should parents let their child chase their dreams (if she's not the next Gabby D)?

Parent Cafe
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<p>My kids swam USS and it was NOT 5 hours a day at 10 years old. It was about 1 1/2-2 hours in the early evening. Summer swim club leagues are much less than that and bear very little resemblance to “real” competitive swimming. My kids did both and I’m not knocking the summer leagues, but it is rare if you have decent coaching.</p>

<p>We knew a swimming family whose high school son was a couple 1/100s away from his junior nationals qualifying times. The family had sacrificed for years for his swimming. Every family vacation centered around a swim meet. He was not a strong student, so swimming was his ticket to a decent college. He was in the middle of being widely recruited (ranging from UTexas where he wouldn’t have made the travel squad to Davidson where the coach thought God was dropping this kid onto his campus) when he totally burned out and QUITE completely. Not another stroke. The parents were devastated.</p>

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<p>“Swimming two-a-days and five hours a day at 10 is ridiculous. That is a good way for a kid to burn out and/or get overuse injuries.”</p>

<p>-Many do and are very proud of given an opportunity to join their friends. It is not available to all, only by coach suggestion and only if parents/kid agree. The more they do in a summer, the more chance of being out of trouble/bored, especially if both parents are working and cannot drive them around whole day long.
Nobody can force anybody into anything. It is not “force” issue, it is just an opportunity and many 10 y o are up to it. However, if any parent does not like it, nobody can force them. Ridiculous or not is a very personal, yes, ridiculous for some 10 y o and not at all for others.</p>

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<p>I read Amanda Beard’s autobiography over vacation. It provided an interesting insight into an elite athlete. Swimming seemed to come naturally to her and being in the pool gave her relief over other problems, including parents’ divorce, school/learning issues and body image.</p>

<p>Regarding practices…god knows you can’t make a teenager do anything they don’t want to do. S1 isn’t too happy his club swim team is adding an 8am Sunday practice this season, as he thinks it’s too early. Can’t wait til he wants to do long course next summer (he’s been resisting it for years, but sees his friends benefitting from it) when the practices start at 6am.</p>

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<p>If a teen headed toward “elite” level wanted to quit, I think the difficult thing would be to determine whether they truly wanted to quit or if they just wanted/needed a change of coach, or whether they had a big test coming up and felt time stressed, etc.</p>

<p>I know a guy who is a fabulous pianist. He was a music major, then went to grad school to do something else. He’s the kind of player who can accompany anybody on any type of music, just sight reading it. He said there was a time in HS that he wanted to quit playing, but that his parents basically “made” him continue and he was very glad they did.</p>

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<p>I am going to agree with the posters up thread who pointed out it is probably impossible to “force” a teen to successfully compete in any activity at elite levels. If the teen thinks a coach, big test, or time stresses are a problem, I’m guessing the teen would request that particular issue be addressed, not decide to drop the activity. Although I do understand teens change their minds all the time about whether an activity is still worthwhile for them. I think most parents know their kids well enough to know when to encourage stick-to-it-ness and when to keep out of it.</p>

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<p>Back to missypie’s first post, which is quite different than elite levels of participation. This is difficult. My own kids have never pursued activities long term where they weren’t achieving some level of success. However, I have been surprised at their successes in areas where they seemed to have, in my opinion, no natural talent. They enjoy a challenge. One, especially, would rather do something difficult than something easy any day. </p>

<p>In my own case, since I’m never going to achieve at an elite level, in any area, I’ll just have to be satisfied with enjoying activities where I’m pretty middling. It is a good thing my parents didn’t feel I needed to pick a college major where I could excel, because that probably would have been impossible. I loved my studies but someone (or many:)) were always better students.</p>

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<p>I have always told my kids once they commit to an activity for a season or session and I have paid the fee, they are obligated to complete it. After it’s over, we can review whether or not they continue. Began this when D1 was 3 and didn’t want to go to parent/child swim class one Sunday morning.</p>

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<p>I think I’ve just known too many kids who really obsessed on a sport and it didn’t take them that far in life – and unlike the super achiever CC type kids, they did sports at the expense of really giving academics a good solid effort. Don’t know how many parents would boast to me about the “free rides” their budding little football players, basketball players, track stars etc were going to get for college. I know of two for whom this happened. One went to Stanford and she is the quintessential sports/academics sports success story. I know it happens and it is certainly grand to witness. The other went to a so-so public university and never managed to graduate. Not so swell for him.</p>

<p>I think sports are hugely fun for many to watch and many parents truly go nuts over watching their kids play sports. I think it can easily turn toxic. It can also be wonderful. I also think kids who don’t go down the athletics road can turn out quite well.</p>

<p>The Olympics is fun to watch but I can’t help wincing at all the moms and dads out there getting big ideas about their little athletes.</p>

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<p>I can remember one sport we signed little kids up for and after the first session kids and parents agreed: no no no - we quit right now </p>

<p>swimming lessons were one of the few activities I insisted on, since it seems to me an important safety skill. One child did a mommy & me class at age two/three and then went into beginning lessons at four. He never suggested he didn’t want to attend the lessons, but sat and watched every class from the sidelines. If anyone asked, he said he needed to keep me company. After the classes ended we were on vacation and he got comfortable going into the pool with Dad, who evidently inspired much greater confidence than Mom. By age five he was, at his request, in diving lessons and going off the high board. By seven or eight, he was on to other interests. Way off topic but a nice memory for me.</p>

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<p>"Swimming seemed to come naturally to her and being in the pool gave her relief over other problems, "
-Such a true observation!! Did anybody here try to swim, no great skills, just get in a water and swim some reasonable time. It is simply unbelievable. No other exercise provides feel of complete happiness and relaxation. I see tremendous difference in young kids when they swim and when they are on break from swimming. They are like different people, they do not realize though, young kids do not assess their behavior. But for adult in a house it is very evident. Again, off topic though.
However, no matter how much they are involved in sport, they can still enjoy other dreams and even other sports. And many, many do. And as far as I can tell from personal experience, the more they are involved, the better they are at everything, academics, their activities, socially. There is definitely some kind of sinergy as the ones who seems to be “torn” apart actually are the happiest and the best in everything that they do. And they seem to be attracted to very busy life later on in their adulthood.</p>

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<p>This is certainly not everyone’s experience. Many of us have other activities that we find preferable (and, yes, I have done plenty of swimming). Also, training for swimming at a competitive level is NOT relaxing! </p>

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<p>Actually, swimming for adults is regarded as one of the most frustrating fitness activities. If you don’t have at least some semblance of form and can breathe properly, it can be very difficult to get a level of comfort that will allow you to relax and move down the pool. I have coached adults (triathletes) and even for skilled athletes, mastering swimming can be very difficult. And by “mastering” I mean feeling comfortable and being able to enjoy moving through the water.</p>

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<p>I never got swim lessons as a kid and finally learned to swim in college because my BF was on the swim team. He taught me to swim. Anyway, I love to swim and swim a couple times a week, about a mile of laps. I agree the water is very calming. I especially enjoy it now that I can swim in saltwater vs chlorine. My son was really talented in swimming, like his dad, but he generally found sports boring after a certain point. He likes his men’s basketball league nowadays and he loves handball. He tells me he would have preferred to do basketball back in school. I really don’t recall saying, “No basketball!” But whatever.</p>

<p>Yes, swimming is really cool – but chlorine can be really damaging. Interestingly, my DH was also a swimmer in college, and he won’t touch the water. He uses a treadmill and hikes.</p>

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<p>I haven’t read all of the posts, so sorry if I’m repeating! Our 4 children are all over the map with personality and skills. It is sometimes hard as a parent to remove yourself from the picture and look at your children objectively. There are so many kids out there who have the potential to be “great” at whatever it is they do, but to be successful, they must have not only the talent and skill, but an absolute passion and drive for whatever it is. Our oldest D was a top notch soccer player in our area, and people constantly told us she was destined for greatness in soccer. We always laughed about it, because while she was a great athlete, she couldn’t have cared less if her team won or lost, and couldn’t understand why the other kids cared so much. To her, it was all just fun and a game. When she gave up soccer in high school, it was not a big deal to her, because despite having the talent, she just didn’t care that much. On the other hand, our second D has always loved music- she was the one kid I never ever had to tell to practice as she was on that piano for hours a day. When she started singing, people told us she had a good voice, but we just let her continue because she obviously loved it. We only finally went a step further because singing is all she talked about, night and day. Yes, she always got parts in musicals locally, but we still didn’t take it too seriously. It was when she started being recognized in large regional productions and competitions, coupled with her passion for music that we realized she may have enough talent to do something with her voice. We have seen so many kids who are the best of the best in their little geographic areas, only to get out of that area and find there are a bazillion other more talented kids. By the time our D auditioned for some top musical theater programs, we had tested the waters enough to know that she would have success. Now our youngest S is a senior wanting to play soccer in college. Yes he does have the skill, but just as importantly, he is incredibly passionate about it and has taken the responsibility to prepare himself for this. We have never pushed him; in fact a few times we suggested to him that he take the competition down a notch so that he could just get out there and have fun. However, he thrives on the competition and is rarely more than a foot from a soccer ball (he sleeps with one at his feet because he says the feel of it relaxes him). We have, if anything, sort of discouraged him from playing at a competitive level in college and tried to push him more toward a club level, warning him about the rigors of Div. 1 sports in college. If anything, he is more adamant about playing soccer after our discussions as he says he can’t imagine anything more exciting than being able to play at that level of committment. Fortunately, he is having success as a recruit and will most likely get his wish. </p>

<p>The one thing I can’t emphasize enough is that no matter what our kids passions were, we have always made sure they realize the most important thing they can do is to keep up their grades. We know several amazing soccer players who have had promises of big scholarships, only to suffer an injury and loose it all. The family of one girl we know has put all available money into her soccer career, assuming she would get a great scholarship, even though she is barely a C student. She blew out her knee this summer, and now does not have the grades to go anywhere other than a CC. Top grades are very attractive to recruiters of any activity, because they know they won’t have to babysit a talented kid in order to keep them eligible. In addition, the chance of an academic scholarship is way higher than that for an athletic scholarship. (I think I have read that only 2% of all college athletes have received athletic money). Of course we all think our children are wonderful and talented, and they all are! I just think it is so important to expose your kids to a variety of activities without putting any pressure on them. If they narrow in on something in particular, it is so important to make sure they are doing it because they enjoy whatever it is, and not because they are trying to please a parent. Most importantly, emphasize academic performance above all else in order to give them the best opportunity to succeed in whatever they ultimately choose.</p>