Smile and Nod: Kid who's not going to college (not gap year)

Parents Forum
21

@dustyfeathers, good for you! I was that kind of kid, and now I work with lots of families like yours. I don’t think you need to correct your friends’ assumption that this is a gap year, because it might be – or it might be one of a few. If someone says, “Oh, a gap year?” you might just say, “To start with, yes.” Unless the kid is starting a three-year volunteer commitment or something, you don’t know whether it’s a lot longer or not.

BTW, four years after figuring out how to handle these conversations about me, my mother had to grapple with the sometimes-awkward disclosure that I was about to start at Harvard. You never know.

22

ASVAB = Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery

A series of tests that the Army uses to determine readiness for the military as well as what military specialties you may qualify for.

23

“What about the response: Wow! How exciting! What does (child) plan to do?
Or: Cool! What made (child) all decide this?”

I still don’t get why you’d lead without filling in that information.
Consider this: It would be a conversation stopper if someone asked me what my kid was doing and I said - he’s not going to plumbing school, or he’s not joining the Army.

24

I have a kid like this and it wasn’t awkward at all. She isn’t unusual here and many of her friends also didn’t go. I think it depends on the town, the school, and general social environment. Mine is taking p/t classes now and working umpteen jobs, as always. She is quite mature, I would say, as a result of not going.

25

I think we often make the mistake of assuming that everyone is just like us. That everyone is focused on a “profession”-- or, at the very least, a “career.” And that mere “jobs” are for those who couldn’t manage one of the other life paths.

The reality is that lots and lots and lots of people live happy, successful, fulfilling lives working a job, then going home to do what they love. They work in stores and offices and happily earn a salary without the title of “profession” or “career.”

And we as parents sometimes have to let go of the idea that our kids will share our priorities and interests.

So I would answer the question with “what is Johnny doing?” with an honest answer. He’s looking for a job in retail. He’s doing lots of rock climbing. He’s dating a lovely girl. He’s getting a cocker spaniel. He’s following his heart and doing what he loves.

And if that’s not enough for them, then I would make a polite excuse and walk away. You don’t have to justify your child’s choices, or your own, to anyone.

26

I’ve noticed that many sensitive subjects create awkward situations primarily because they aren’t sensitive to everyone. For example, most people would know not to point out an obvious birth defect because it might be sensitive. But when my oldest was in 9th grade, I happened to be in company with some parents of seniors. I was talking to one dad who was telling me that the whole college search process was almost done for his D. I asked him to tell me about it. After all, I knew that I knew nothing about how to look for colleges. I was looking for insights from an experienced parent. I didn’t even know how to start. Anything he might have told me would have been interesting for me to hear. But he looked a bit affronted, and I got the impression I’d asked a question that was none of my business. I kind of get it now, because people who haven’t gone through the whole college search have a lot of misconceptions. I think now that he thought I might judge her on her school choices. So, not only did I not get any insights from him, I had tread into a sensitive area without meaning to offend.

That’s kind of your situation. Whatever your child’s plans are are your child’s business. People ask about after high school plans because this is an exciting time of life, where all possibilities are out there. If your child is making a different choice than most of the peer group are making, that is still exciting. I like your positive attitude now that this decision is clear, you are all happy about it. Convey your attitude in response to inquiries, and you can avoid awkward situations where almost certainly no offense is intended.

27

This is all good advice and fortunately virtually all of the suggestions I’m already doing. Maybe I’m on the right track . . . ? Your good advice seems aligned with that.

Several people suggested that I provide a context in conversation to keep it from being abrupt. I left off the preamble in my wee example. I thought people would assume that we were already having a conversation about college. Good note! Next time I’ll be sure to mention that explicitly. As for the suggestion that I should tell them up front what (child) is doing so that it’s not so startling.

It’s interesting to note that people here and in my conversations find this news startling and as one person said here, sensitive. I understand that. I felt exactly that way until I finally threw up my hands and accepted that this is not the right thing for this child. Not for the foreseeable future, at least. This child, no matter how smart, does not do well in school, not for the past 12 years at least. (yes we’ve done the learning issues testing etc.)

Then the amazing thing was: Once I accepted this, the world didn’t end. I filled with confidence and even excitement that there was this other world out there. At least as a family we do have resources, and I think others on this forum also have such resources, of flexibility and creativity to move forward.

But also: how many of our kids go to college and 1) don’t know why they’re there and 2) graduate with few skills and no direction. They also end up as baristas and ice cream scoopers, many of them. At least with this decision happening before college instead of AFTER (if we as a family decided to push him through college), (child) has a chance to try out the world with no school loans. Also, we’re saved four years of stress.

Also while I agree that explaining (child’'s) plans might be nice in conversation, as several people suggested, that would only be possible if I knew or if (child) knew. What (child) is doing is mainly up to (child), although as some have suggested that we provide expectations, we’re already also doing so. Setting expectations was also suggested. We are doing so and thanks for the thought. I think I mentioned that toward the end of my post, we are assisting until he can earn and save money and set out on (child’s) own. I anticipate that will be one to two years. We live in an expensive urban area so simply moving (child) out is highly impractical.

@LucieTheLakie, the above being said, my loose ideas are that kids mature a lot before age 25. By then child may revisit the college idea, but that’s not a given. I understand that there are many programs for nontraditional students once (child) gets to age 23 or 24. Mainly we want to see how (child) changes with freedom and time. First is to hunt for a job. Always a great learning experience. While child has done work and hard work, it’s always been in the context of internships, not a 40 hour a week “real” job. Probably (child) will get fired from one or two jobs. Also good experience! How to fail and get back up. (Child) is artistic and since (child) has been at a vocational high school, there have been no arts. Vocational program takes extra hours beyond school day because the program requires all of HS curriculum plus the vocational training. The four years have been exhausting (nearly 12 hour days incl commute then homework once home)–and no arts. For this child, it’s time to look into art classes too. Also, there are several internships available like through Student Conservation Association. There are government programs–I am still doing research into this. Also our municipality fights underemployment and youth unemployment through providing job training and internship programs. We have our eyes on those too on his behalf.

@bopper and @Hanna thank you for your votes of confidence and for your successes. (Child’s) father started in a union job in a big midwestern city and worked for several years before attending college in his mid-20s. Maybe child is on this sort of track. It’s hard to say.

But for me, for now at least, I feel super excited to see someone being fiercely independent. And that person happens to be my child. I couldn’t be more proud.

28

Ah, he’s already had vocational training in HS, so that’s a significant piece to the puzzle! Sounds like he’s worked very hard and needs to step back and figure out what he wants in the future. I think that makes complete sense. And art classes sound like a fantastic idea. Do keep us posted on his journey!

29

I agree with PG that saying something along the lines of “he’s been working very hard at school all these years and now he wants to take some time to take a breath and explore his interest in the arts” is a more reasonable response to the question “Does Johnny have plans for next year?” than “He’s not going to college now or perhaps ever.” The latter is a complete conversation stopper. It sounds like you want to shut it down.

BTW, I also agree that not everyone needs to go to college, and that not everyone who needs to go to college needs to do so right away. I can see that it can be very liberating to get off the college-bound treadmill.

30

I am at the opposite side of the fence. Get lots of comments, like:
“College is so expensive. Why do you want to send your children to college? What is the point?”
“Why not community college? They are cheap! It is insane to pay tuition for the 4-year college”.
“Do you know that college-educated children may move away? Even to a different state. I would prefer my children to work somewhere close to my home, so I could enjoy time with grandchildren”.

31

When people say stupid things, you aren’t obliged to answer them.

32

^^^^ @Pizzagirl, that ranks up there with the best posts EVER.

I wish there was a “love” button.

33

I’ve got a kid with multiple issues. College didn’t work out. Now he’s taking 1 or 2 classes a semester at the community college. But he’s got a full time job with benefits. So that’s cool.

34

Yay to job with benefits! If he has his own apartment then you’ve hit the trifecta.

35

Bingo!

36

My 20-year-old son graduated from high school in 2013, and his plans are still fluid. He has traveled overseas and worked as a bank teller up until now. He will start taking classes at our local small school (not even the state flagship), and we are thrilled. He’s got a good head on his shoulders, whatever he decides to do. I don’t need to make excuses for him.

37

I was a late bloomer…dropped out of high school, got my GED. I graduated from nursing school at age 31 and now work as a nurse practitioner.

None of my siblings or parents went to college and they all own homes and have great lives.

38

My 2011 HS grad left college after 2.5 years. He really hated being in college but even with learning issues was doing well enough. At first it was one semester off, but he still hasn’t gone back. He works full time in managerial position which is great for a 23 yo, and does some music on the side. It took some time to not ask him his plan for school every couple of months, but certainly helped our relationship when I stepped back. Of course I can’t help but worry about how he h.as limited his future by not finishing and still hope he’ll go back. It is a bit easier now that his cohort has graduated so he is working like everyone else, although many have much more interesting jobs or are off to med school etc. Living in a smallish town, would always run into people who would try to be supportive, but often you could tell that what they were really thinking was thank goodness that is not my kid or that they would never let their kid dropout and so it must be our fault. So yes, sometimes just smile and nod.

I have also learned to ask others more generally “what is your kid planing to do after graduation”, rather than where are they going to school next year.

OP I did think your response was to the question of where your kid was going next year. But agree with the others that you are more likely to get a supportive response if you present his plan in a more positive way.

39

I always ask people what their kids plans are rather than where they are going to college.

My son is taking some time off from school. I kind of encouraged a gap year because I wasn’t sure he was ready for college but he went. Didn’t do great academically and decided to take a break. He is living with some roommates and working. He has talked about maybe a trade school of some sort but who knows. He just left school after the fall semester so time will tell. He is making enough to pay his rent and if we do have to help him now and then it’s a better use of our money than tution for classes he’s not getting anything out of.

He likes his job and seems happy. So things could be a lot worse.

40

It is a touchy subject in a way and your tone will go a long way to making it totally great and normal and “on with life” for your kid. In visiting over winter break with kids who my son graduated with it was easy to tell who was excited about what they are up to and who is not doing what they wanted for one reason or another. He has a couple friends who didn’t have the excellent CC input or knowledgeable parental guidance and ran into sticker shock issues. They were noticeable deflated about their current circumstances. They had wanted something different. If your son is on his way following HIS path and you are all in behind him, then craft a stock line that indicates his plans/status and own it with enthusiasm. People aren’t trying to be mean (usually). When they run into you at the grocery store they are usually just looking for some commonality as a conversation opener.