<p>
</p>
<p>This is probably a harsh way of putting it, but I can’t say I don’t agree. There are definitely some cases where this in invalid, but for the most part, it’s pretty true. I just think that if you honestly can’t tell that your teen is doing something bad enough to warrant snooping, maybe you should re-think the time you spend with your teen.</p>
<p>
My observation is that no kid has all that much sense, and they also lack the experience to understand the danger in some situations. My preference is for unobtrusive, but not secret, surveillance.</p>
<p>The only thing I can add is that if a parent feels compelled to confront a child about suspected dangerous behavior, be sure that you’re correct and approach your child with concern rather than anger. Maybe I was too nonconfrontational as a parent (my kids are in their 20s now), but I recall all too well how it felt when my mother verbally (& physically) attacked me due to believing secondhand stories about what I’d done. More than once I was called awful names and beaten because she believed the worst and didn’t give me a chance to explain (not that she would have believe me anyway.) We’ve been estranged for a long time.</p>
<p>Brink,
Whatever her reasons, your mother was abusive, and you were the victim of child abuse. One also can be angry at or concerned about a child, but not call them names or beat them. It is unfortunate that your mother wasn’t able to demonstrate her concern in ways that were more obviously loving.</p>
<p>“My preference is for unobtrusive, but not secret, surveillance.”</p>
<p>Hunt, I agree! I have 2 great kids. I think I have a great relationship with them, and I trust them. However, experience has taught me never to say “never” when it comes to what a teenager will do. I like the old political adage (was it Reagan?): Trust, but Verify.</p>
<p>I often agonize about this question. We have chosen the “trust” route, without a whole lot of verifying. We are not hands-off parents–on the contrary, we are very involved and inquisitive, to a point S often complains of. But we have chosen to respect his privacy in certain areas, because to this point he has consistently shown himself deserving of that respect. We realize there are risks involved in going this route, but there are risks in the other direction, too: a child who does not trust his parents, and does not feel that his parents trust him, might decide not to confide in them in a crisis, and that could have tragic consequences. </p>
<p>I think this is one of those questions with no right answer (or more precisely, with a different right answer for each child/parent relationship). You have to trust your knowledge of your kid while remaining alert to the limits of that knowledge. I know that if I were to routinely read my son’s facebook wall or chat logs I would feel that I was violating his privacy without any real justification, other than “OMG he has a life that I’m not privy to and I’m afraid of what might be going on there.” That wouldn’t feel like a good enough reason to me. I’d need probable cause, so to speak–and thankfully, so far, he hasn’t given us any.</p>
<p>As for the ‘tattling’ part, we would do it, but we would set the bar pretty high. The Golden Rule seems relevant here.</p>
<p>
That doesn’t make sense to me. Is everybody who reads his Facebook wall violating his privacy? I figure if it’s public then parents are allowed to read. I wouldn’t go through their drawers, or wallet or hack into their email. But Facebook is public. Anybody who is their friend (and some who aren’t.) can read it.</p>
<p>As adults, my children don’t have much to hide from me. No more than a good friend or my siblings do. I read their Facebook walls, why should my children be different? But when they are minors, I think parents have an obligation to keep up with their lives. We need to know where their friends are, where they go and a good idea of what they do. Because they are children and don’t always make wise decisions. For example, the daughter of a friend of mine is my friend on Facebook. She is 13. While looking at her Facebook page today, I saw pictures that friends of hers had posted. Nothing really bad. But they had pictures of themselves in bikinis. I would be uncomfortable with my 13yr old posting those where anybody can see them and do what they want with them. There is nothing wrong with a 13 yr old in a bikini. There were at a public pool. Still doesn’t mean I’d want strangers to be able to get their hands on those pictures. I’m sure the kids see nothing wrong with them. But as a parent, I would want to know. I don’t call that snooping.</p>