Hi, this may be long but please bear with me.
I am a freshman in college. I am struggling so hard right now and want to go home so badly but I’m stopping myself. I go to school 4 hours from home and I had a horrible first semester - very strict COVID school and no in person classes or clubs so it was hard for anyone to meet people outside their roommates. My roommate hated it here and was homesick so she left me for home after the first week. I spent pretty much the entire semester alone, trying to make friends but they didn’t really fit my personality - they stay in their room all day except to go out and drink until 5am on weekends. I’ve found this to be the case with a lot of people I meet, since we are VERY much a party school. I used to be a little like this but I don’t love to drink a lot now, at least not crazy partying. I tried to stick with it, make new friends, be involved - but many clubs aren’t meeting at all or are temporarily not running much due to COVID, and I tried to rush a sorority but got dropped from almost all. I couldn’t see myself in the remaining 2 so I decided to opt out and not waste my parents’ money since it is tight and I didn’t connect with any girls I met with in them. We are a big Greek school so now everyone is out making friends from Greek life and I feel so left out. I know older people from my hometown who came here and their only friends now are in their sorority - it’s one of the biggest bonding things and most weekend activities seem to be with others in their pledge class. All my friends from first semester are joining these and I probably won’t be seeing as much of them as before by next month - we weren’t super close anyways.
I feel so lost and don’t know how I am going to make it here for three more months even. I am so incredibly homesick and I miss my mom so much. She is my favorite person in the world and we are so close. I enjoyed being at home so much. When I was there for our “extended break” because of COVID (Thanksgiving-mid January) I felt like I was being saved from all my depression and sadness and I realized how incredibly depressed I was at school. I cried every day after Christmas that I didn’t want to go back. At home I could be with my parents, my younger brother, be close to my grandparents, drive my car to go on coffee runs and the library and everything, be healthy, have space for myself, and I had my dogs whenever I was having a bad anxiety attack. I haven’t been able to find anything close to that kind of support at school. I feel like everyone else was excited for the freedom of college which is why they like being there, not home, but my parents are like my friends and nobody compares - they aren’t strict either whatsoever.
Here, everything is back to awful. Every moment of every day I have had a huge lump in my throat, am struggling not to cry from the time I wake up until I go to sleep so nobody sees, my anxiety is at an all time high, and I can’t even talk to my mom without breaking down sobbing. I got a new roommate and I’m trying to be friends with her but we have nothing in common and she is already really into sorority life. I hate my school and I never wanted to come here but I had a rough time with mental health in high school so I didn’t get into any of my dream schools. The school is definitely not right for me but I came here just so I could go to college.
I am going to try to work out, get counseling, join more clubs, and make more friends who aren’t in Greek life, but I am so so unhappy here and all I want to do is go home. I know I need to grow up and cut the cord but all I can think about is that I will never live at home again full time. My family is my lifeline and I wish I could just be around them forever. I think I would be happier if I had friends or if I had gone to a school I like more, but I can’t change that second part unless I transfer and I keep trying to make friends but it doesn’t work for me.
I want to transfer to a school closer to home or to one of my dream schools (I have a 4.0 now in college so I think it would be attainable) but I think I will miss my family and have mental health problems because of it either way. Can anyone give me any advice? I’m so struggling and hurting, I feel like things will never get any better.