One way to save on costs that a lot of people won’t try is to negotiate. It can be intimidating to even start the conversation, but it can be worthwhile. Sometimes it doesn’t save you money, but gets you something extra for the same price: “Would you be willing to do X and Y for that same amount?”
Just like #140 said, I definitely learned the importance of negotiation. If you are specific with what you need in order to make it happen, many vendors will jump on it in order to seal the deal. Our band, for example, kept pushing this random $550 equipment fee on top of the $6,000 (which is cheap for a band around here, apparently) until I said that it was the fee that was holding us back. He quickly said “ok, forget the fee.” Similar thing with the photographer, who wanted almost $8k. We really liked this company, but heard another local photographer was offering a similar package for about $5k, so we got a quote in writing from them. We sent a really nice email saying we LOVE their style, but our parents are paying and they simply CAN’T justify turning down this offer from OtherPhotographer (we attached their contract), and within 24 hours the company we wanted sent another quote almost matching the 5k.
It won’t save tens of thousands, but it’s nice to feel like you have some power and it adds up a bit in the end 
Sometimes the venue has you purchasing food and alcohol etc from specific places (or if they are a restaurant, from them of course). Heard of all kinds of add on fees. Sometimes can negotiate down, sometimes not.
Many couples are not using a church for the ceremony. So the venue for reception may be where everything takes place.
Some churches have a very nice ‘parish or church hall’ which may be able to accommodate the size of the function. Since DD is a member at the Cathedral (one of the top 2 or 3 beautiful churches of our faith in the geographic area), she didn’t have to pay the fee for church use (normally not something one pays for in our faith except outsiders pay w/o being members of the Cathedral…that would have been $2500). There also had specific delineated fees - organist, priest and altar server stipends, wedding coordinator- who just coordinated the before and during the church part, etc.
Our faith requires pre-marital seminar/weekend and at least 6 month before church wedding date. Usually people expect to have 6 months planning anyhow.
Many are willing to pay the extra Cathedral use fee - there was another wedding party at our hotel that wanted the Cathedral but ‘settled’ for their area church because my DD reserved the Cathedral about a month before their betrothal ceremony - reserved in October (after fulfilling the pre-marital seminar/weekend) for a July date, and for whatever reason that other couple wanted that specific date. We already knew we were using the parish hall, and just kept the wedding list to that capacity - after the band space, capacity of 130. She went a bit beyond that 130 number, and we had small stand up tables for the younger folks both on an outside balcony area and along the room’s one side. DD/SIL had a lot of young local friends. We had “Reserved” on some of the sit down tables so all the older folks had a place to sit and eat (after going through the buffet). Upon entering the hall, they had hors’ d’oeuvres and people sat down and got drinks. I had some friends that were going to leave because they only saw a reserved table to sit down, and I told them that was for them too - I actually went through the buffet line with them and encouraged others to sit at the table. H handled the front end of the crowd and I handled the back end. Except for a dance or two, we circulated separately.
The church hall rental fee (we used their large round tables and chairs) was $1500 - which is paid by everyone to use, but great that we had no additional charge for use of the church’s tables and chairs. We were responsible for take down the room, and I am not sure if caterer or if DD/friends set up the tables/chairs. I bought nice new table clothes from a rental party company which also rents table clothes - just paid $10 more each table cloth to buy versus renting, and I donated to our local church hall which has the same sized round tables. A friend who had gotten married had 8 long white table clothes that she passes to DD, and those were used for buffet line. The smaller cake tables and other smaller tables - I told DD she was responsible for renting all the other ones out of her budget by her caterer who charged similar rental charges for linens.
DD/SIL were able to get many things very economically - DD has lived in that city for 5 years and knew a lot of people/had a lot of connections; use of family owned catering business (food was great), flowers from a lady who operates out of her home (she did a magnificent job - a Master Gardener guest was impressed). The couple had wine and beer (had to go to that set up to get); many drank non-alcohol - tea and ice water separate table set up. SIL arranged for the wine and beer delivery and set up, and place gave credit for returned/unopened beer and wine.
DD had excellent photographer who also had a 2nd ass’t photographer there - they had over 1,000 digital pictures and couple has the digital rights. Not anywhere near the prices on this thread! We had family/friends taking pictures that they shared on facebook - I got those a long time before DD shared the digital link…DH downloaded on my computer and has also saved in cloud…
Now that there is very nice plastic table ware, they used that as an area to save on the budget. They saved in areas that they wanted, and splurged a bit in other areas.
East Coast and West Coast have some really high per person costs.
DD/SIL had a wonderful wedding and reception. The food and the band really did make the reception terrific. However a very good DJ/recordings can provide a very good time. An area of splurge - 22 piece jazz band, current and former college students from a large university. We knew of them from one of their leading organizers who grew up with DD and is our neighbor. DD2/MOH was in two Jazz Bands as lead alto sax (along with their lead Tenor Sax) and joined the band in the last number “In the Mood” - the whole sax line came out to the dance area…terrific last number. In the middle of the songs, they did the line dance song “Banana Boat Song” - and it was really fun.
UPDATE: I’m resurrecting this old thread to tell you what we did. Thanks for all of your great tips.
Yes, we did negotiate (THANK YOU, @rebeccar and @My3Kiddos ) and got the tent price down because it was a day wedding and we didn’t need their lighting. Got the florist down because we did only greenery for the church, then repurposed that at the reception as table decor.
We had the wedding ceremony at their church (lots of kids, including an adorable flower girl who went rogue and had to be escorted out by a an older boy cousin). We didn’t have time to do any gift bags for kids, and did not do favors.
Reception was the tent pavilion at the Samoset. Yes, brunch was a bit cheaper than dinner, yay! We decided to do a host (we paid per drink) bar rather than an open bar, because it was brunch and our guests just aren’t huge boozers. We think we saved at least $1000 by doing it this way. We went with the plain white linens because they were cheaper, and actually looked better than any colored ones. The view was the best decor. Also skipped the chiavari chairs because not only did they cost more, they were actually less comfortable.
Saved a ton on the wedding cake because they did the deconstructed thing (like Megan Markle did). Two friends of mine made them, a few coconut layers that I thought were waaaay too sweet (guests adored it) and two gluten free chocolate cakes (that I didn’t get to taste.) All of these cakes cost a total of $425, way less than the $1000+ figure we were quoted by bakers on the approved vendor list.
The hotel was fabulous to work with. Did not need an extra coordinator.
Guests stayed at AirBnbs, inns, guesthouses, the Samoset, and our house.
Bride and groom paid for a very casual pizza rehearsal dinner using money his parents had given as a wedding present. I thought this was generous of the bride and groom.
My takeaways for future wedding hosts:
- Negotiate
- Daytime receptions are cheaper
- Don’t assume an open bar will cost less than a hosted bar. You know your guests. If they’re not going to drink 5 alcoholic drinks on average, don’t pay the flat fee.
- Pay for the arty photographer. It’s worth it.
- Deconstructed cakes. They’re easier to transport and less work for the baker, so they cost less.
- The upsell stuff isn’t necessarily better (see my note on chiavari chairs, above). It’s a matter of preference.
Thanks for the report, @Massmomm. You may want to put you last post in the big wedding thread also.
I walked by a wedding at the Samoset last fall. Gorgeous spot.
Congrats to you and your family!