Looking at this from the outside, it seems to me no matter what this kid needs to have some sort of very big consequence for what he did (assuming you are certain he did it). That is such a bright line to cross that I have a hard time understanding why any leniency would be shown, but I realize I cannot fully put myself in your shoes, with him being like a second son.
So I ask myself what I would do if it were my own son who forged my signature and a letter, and I think I would probably turn him in to Clemson, even though he was my own child, and even though I would be very upset. I am a strong believer in consequences for ones actions (positive and negative). Getting away with fraud and dishonesty is a terrible lesson to learn. Better to learn the other lesson – that you don’t get away with it. Much better to learn this now than 10 years from now when the consequence could well be jail time.
ETA: the boy not only betrayed Clemson, equally importantly, he betrayed YOUR trust! I think I would bar him from your house going forward too. I am all for helping people who need it, I have taken in many kids needing a place to stay (under different circumstances) and I would never let someone back into my house, into my trust, if they did something like this. Life lesson: setting good boundaries for yourself is important!
My 2 cents: You need to convince him to turn himself in. I also think it should be done in conjunction with being in therapy. Best case would be for him to discuss this with a therapist to gin up the courage to confess to Clemson and to gain some insight on why he did this. Can you afford to pay for a private therapist for him?
If YOU turn him in, I do not think he will learn from it. He’ll be resentful and angry going forward. Given that he comes from a tough background with unsupportive parents, I predict it would be very difficult for him to recover. OTOH, if he turns himself in he creates an opportunity to feel better about himself, more whole. It could help his self-esteem if he engages in an act of integrity.
As for you . . . have you breached your employer’s security protocols by allowing someone else to use your work laptop? If it was your personal laptop, why was your employer’s letterhead on it? That is a breach of security as well. This might be something to consider as you move forward.
It is my personal laptop. I am allowed to have the letterhead as it is needed time to time to draft a quick letter for certain scenarios when I am “off the clock” and away from my desk. What was foolish of me was not to have a guest access. So dumb. And you are absolutely right!
You are SO right! I needed to hear that. If it were anyone else I wouldn’t have thought twice. And if it were one of my kids, I’d be furious and likely do the same. I have to stop feeling sorry for him!
I don’t understand why you would contact someone who stole your letterhead and forged your signature to a recommendation you didn’t write. What do you expect him to say? The people at Clemson can tell you whether or not they received it, so I don’t see what you gain by talking to him. Would you believe him if he told you he didn’t do it? Or that he did but swears he’ll turn himself in?
If you don’t want your son to be friends with people who lie and cheat I think you might have to start drawing clearer lines between what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t. When you consider letting “unethical, immoral, and illegal” activity go, what message does that send your son? How is concealing the behavior after the fact any different from participating in it from the outset? The result would be the same. According to your initial post, you believe some other (low income?) student lost a spot at Clemson because this kid wrote a glowing recommendation about a made up program at your University and signed your name to it. If you were sitting across a conference room table from that kid’s parents, how would you justify “letting” that go?
@used123: In post #5 above you indicated that you will speak with your son which suggests that you had not yet done so. Speaking with your son about your concerns should have been your first step, in my opinion.
Based on your description of your son’s best friend and his pattern of dishonesty, I do think that it was poor judgment to allow him to use your computer. Seems more likely that your son would allow him to use his computer since they were best friends.
Without proof that this young man did all of the things that you assert, I think that it is unwise for you to jeopardize his standing as a student and his reputation at school.
OP: My response in this thread was based upon your request for advice.
OP has asked Clemson if such a letter was received. If yes, there will probably be a fair hearing, a final chance to explain. If the letter was not received, if they can’t find it in their files, then Clemson is unlikely to raise any issue. OP probably handled this awkward situation as well as could be expected, and now the ball is in Clemson’s court.
“All that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”
OK, sounds like they’re a little looser. I guess they don’t give you a company laptop? Companies I’ve worked for do not permit any company work to be done, or company files to be saved, on a non-company computer. But I only mention it as something to think about when you are considering possible personal consequences.
It’s hard when a chick - your own or one you have taken under your wing- let’s you down like this. I think some of the harsher posts on this thread miss that part.
Coulda/woulda/shoulda: you let this chick into your house and your heart in the hope that a safe harbor would make a difference. He is still the same chick, still has the same challenges. If (per @brantly) you could get him into a room with you & a therapist maaayyyybe some growth and learning could happen.
But if there was every a time to model how to handle ethical dilemmas for you, the friend and your son, it is now. Clearly articulate why it is/was necessary for you to call Clemson to find out if they have received a letter from you. If they have, clearly explain why it was necessary for you to inform them that you did not write that letter- starting with the implications for you.
Because for all the good reasons for honesty in this scenario, the friend has also put you at risk- not just for all the ‘should you use your work computer/letterhead access’ pieces noted above, but because you have a professional reputation that is jeopardized by that letter. There are any number of ways that it could come back to bite you later. For example, somebody on the adcom remembers reading about the supposed internship and tries to refer a student to it- only to find that it doesn’t exist- and assumes that you made it up to help the student. Or just mentions it in passing to a mutual colleague, who knows there is no such program. And so on,
@used123 You’ve received impassive comments and suggestions from several posters. I’m not disagreeing with the legal and ethical considerations of this unfortunate situation. Or with the hindsight questioning of the laptop access. I will say smaller companies I’ve worked for in the past did not have strict policies about the use of personal computers, and from your post it sounds like you were in compliance with your school’s policies.
But I am trying to put myself in your shoes and consider the personal aspects of this equation. Assuming the suspected actions are true, were this one of my kid’s long-time, childhood friends (and she has one in a somewhat similar difficult family situation who we treat as part of our family), I would hold her accountable absolutely but also support her in the difficult next steps. Those would depend on how she reacts to being questioned and her willingness to admit and accept the consequences. I would feel that as a “parent figure” in her life, I need to guide to making wiser decisions but also remain a much-needed support system. I would not feel led to cut her out of our life for those mistakes. Yes, there would be consequences within our family and tremendous loss of trust. And the risk she may decide to terminate the relationship with my daughter and our family. But that would be her decision and not because we were no longer willing to accept her and support her.
I feel for your position. It sounds like you are going through the appropriate steps with Clemson to find out if the letter was ever submitted. Once you know that, take the next steps with your son’s friend and give him the opportunity to do the right thing. (which I believe you’ve already done) I hope he will listen and allow you to guide him through accepting the consequences whatever they may be. Discuss it openly with your son as this is a life lesson for him as well.
@MWolf: What is the proof that the young man wrote the letter ?
P.S. You may be confusing “suspicion” or “motive” with “proof”. There isn’t even any “evidence” whatsoever that the allegedly troubled young man wrote the letter.
@Publisher There is proof that the letter was written. OP found a copy. As I read it, OP is carefully investigating to find out if said letter was actually presented to the school before deciding on next step.
I’m new to CC so maybe I’m missing something… but how is this back and forth on semantics and assumptions supposed to help the OP? She sincerely came to this group for advice and it seems this thread has veered off track. No offence intended.
@DramaMama2021, I agree. A letter was written. I think OP has to tell Clemson so they can check their files to see if it was received. What happens after that is out of her hands. Clemson can’t discuss a student with her because that would be a FERPA violation, so I don’t think they can tell her if it was received or ask her to prove who else might have written it. I think if it’s in this boy’s record he’s going to have to come up with a convincing explanation for how it came to be there. Even if he claims OP’s son is the author, if defies logic to think that a high school junior forged a letter from his mother and sent it without the other boy’s knowledge and consent.
The OP found a copy of said letter on her computer. The letter is on her college’s letter head, and has her signature on it, proving that it was written on her computer. Since the OP did not write it, that leaves her son and the suspect.
So either the son wrote it, the suspect wrote it, or an invisible alien broke into the house and wrote it.
There is no other use for the letter except for the suspect’s appeal.
The son would not have known what to write or how to set up the letter, had they done it on their own. So if the son wrote the letter, it was dictated by the suspect, at the very least.
We have the letter, we have information on the letter only possessed by the suspect, we have motive, and we have opportunity.
What else do you need?
Of course, it could have been the alien.
Now, if the letter was submitted to Clemson, the suspect has committed a crime, and potentially implicated the OP in that crime. The OP should take all the steps necessary to have this come to light, for her own sake.
If the suspect has not submitted the letter to Clemson, and downloaded a copy, a crime still has been committed, albeit a lesser one - a forged signature on a forged letter.
If the suspect keeps a copy, the OP is still at risk, since the suspect still has the forged letter and forged signature, which could harm the OP in the future. It is, however, up to the OP to decide how to proceed. I would demand that the suspect write a signed admission that they created the letter and downloaded it. An admission that would only be used, should that signed letter appear in a future date.
If the letter was never downloaded, there is a long discussion due between the suspect and the OP about boundaries, trust, and the consequences of the violation of these.
At this point, I, personally, would not trust the suspect if they claimed that they didn’t download the document, and require the confession in any case. But that, of course, is up to the OP.
I would treat this type of behavior as far worse than, say, stealing money. People can grab something they need when they need it desperately without thinking. The letter required the suspect to search the OP’s computer (a major violation of privacy, BTW), look for the signature, look for the letterhead, sit down, write the letter, put it together, and then download it and send it. It would have also required that the suspect make up a false story, put together false appeal, and then put it all together and submit it.
Another thing to remember - the suspect would have had to search through the OP computer. People should stop a moment and remember how much private stuff is on their computer.
Everyone has already brought up very good points, not much to add that hasn’t been said. I do think you are handling it perfectly by letting Clemson know your suspicions, then letting them take the necessary action. But I just want to add that I am sorry you were violated this way. Not just on your computer, but as a second mom to this kid. I am sure you would have done anything for him or given him anything you could, but he ended up taking something from you anyway. That hurts. Sorry this happened to you. Hugs.
I do think it is important that your son understands the nefarious actions of his “best friend.” And I think you need a clear understanding of this boy’s influence on your son. A real best friend wouldn’t steal info from or impersonate his friend’s mother. Hopefully your son understands that. Best to you.