Sophomore in College Gets Grounded

Parents Forum
21

It is time for you to transfer - or get out of the house in some other way. It’s time.

This is so similar to my own situation with my mother when I was 19 and still commuting to a local university (except my mother never physically hit me.) She was verbally abusive though, and over the smallest of infractions.

The final straw was the summer after my freshman year of college, she grounded me because I stayed out with friends until three in the morning. I was 19. I started looking into transferring after that. There were other factors, too - financial ones, I was attending a private college and transferred to a state school - but the driving factor was I just couldn’t live at home with my mother anymore.

Looking back, (and she and I get along great now, but we also live six hours away from each other…) I realize she had her own issues… but neither she, nor your dad now, have an excuse for being abusive.

It also sounds like, on top of your own depression, you are doing little things to assert your independence - because really, you are still at home and being treated like a high-schooler or worse…

Please find a way to transfer to a school where it will not be possible for you to commute.

Either that, or find a way to move out of the house.

I will tell you that, as soon as I transferred to a university two hours away, my mother and I suddenly got along so much better. Even when I came home for the summer and breaks. Honestly, I think we both had our issues and we just constantly butted heads at home and were sick of each other.

And I should add that, now, 25 years later, we get along so well that we take a vacation together every year.

Distance and time apart may heal some wounds. But if not, then you especially need to get away.

Best of luck to you.
(and PS, walking the dog may have actually helped with your mood, even in the cold. Next time, force yourself to take the walk!)

22

You can leave, and work, and wait until you are 24 to go to college, when financial aid will be based on your income. One of my daughter’s friends did that due to lack of parental support.

23

Sounds like you’re in a really horrible situation. I had a similar situation and just toughed it out until I graduated, although I lived on campus so I really only had to put up with my parents over the summers. If it’s possible for you to live on campus, then definitely look into it.

If you can hang in there for a couple more years, then just know that once you graduate and get a job you can move out and never have to put up with your father again. Regarding your depression, if you’re not being treated then you really should see a doctor. At the very least, go to your campus clinic and talk to a counselor. It will be completely confidential since you’re over 18.

24

Okay… The OP talks about being yelled and and cursed at in the initial post. She gives a lot of examples of this . Right near the end she add “hit” in, but without an example. I think it makes a difference in the response. Sure, parents shouldn’t yell at or swear at their kids. But if my kid wanted to change into comfy clothes and lay in bed listening to music and the pets hadn’t been out (maybe all day and need to pee), I’d be all over my kid verbally, too, especially if I had been at work myself, had other household chores I was taking care of, and paid this kid’s bills. I’m not totally buying the depression self-diagnosis, either. And given the late addition of “hit” with no examples, I’m going to “internet diagnose” a spoiled kid whose dad is pissed about her not carrying her load around the house.

25

This is more serious. Likely dad has some serious issue.

Once you’re not grounded, avoid being at home as much as possible. Have “good sounding excuses”…study group, lab work, part-time job, etc.

If you could move out, that would be great, but it sounds like you need him to pay for college. :frowning:

My high school best friend had a dad who was somewhat like that. He had a personality disorder, don’t know which one. He seemed to get worse as she aged. She got a job, got some money together, moved out, worked until she was old enough to go to college on her own.

26

are there any younger sibs? If so, does he hit them? Where is your mom in all of this???

27

I have admitted to my faults. I recognize the fact that I am forgetful. I realize I give attitude sometimes. But I just don’t think this gives him the right to lash out at me the way he does. I will work on fixing myself, but I just don’t see how this is a one way street. I don’t think I need to prove that my dad hits us or that I’m depressed. That’s a ridiculous assertion. I never claimed to be ungrateful for all that he provides. I am grateful for all he’s given me. I just wish he wouldn’t go berserk everytime I slip up.

28

He used to hit my mom, but doesn’t anymore. That was when we were really young. He does hit my brother and I if he gets crazy enough. My brother tried to run away once when we were younger (he has always felt unloved and unimportant, but that’s something else entirely) and my dad found him, brought him home, and beat him. There are marks on our wood floors and a hole in the wall from the beating. He never hurt me as bad as he hurt my brother though.

29

oh my! This is criminal behavior. Your mom is guilty for not protecting you and bro when you were minors. That is also a crime

Something has stopped him from hitting your mom…maybe he was charged at some point that you haven’t been told about.

Do you have a job? If not, get one.

Everyone is forgetful! EVEN dad! Who gets to beat him or ground him when he’s forgetful?

30

@flowergirl1996, Do you think your dad would track you and your brother down now if you tried to leave? If so, please call the national domestic hotline LKnomad posted upthread: 1-800-799-7233 that is 1-800-799-safe. They will help you create a plan of escape.

If you don’t think he’d track you down and force you to come home, then it’s time to leave. Do you have any friends you could move in with? Are you working? You need to get a job as soon as possible. If you haven’t borrowed the federal student loan for this semester, go to the financial aid office and ask for it. If your parents filled out the FAFSA, then it should be available. That should be enough to tide you over for a couple months if you get work right away. Make sure they know not to send any mail to your current home, your current email address, your phone, or online account as long as your parents have access to them. If your parents already used it for your school, then you need to see if a friend will let you move in while you’re looking for work.

31

In a perfect world, people wouldn’t scream at each other, hit, fight, say demeaning things. The world isn’t perfect and even people on equal footings do these things. Spouses argue. Parents yell at children. Some parents use physical discipline on their children (and it is not illegal in many states to do so). You no longer have to put up with it, but you can’t make your father change if he doesn’t want to. It sounds like you have rules at home that require you to walk the dogs, pick up your belonging, do chores. Those are conditions he has set and, unfortunately, he has the power in your relationship.

You read all the time on this forum and on the internet in general about teens longing for the day they turn 18 and can leave. It’s not fun to grow into adulthood and still be treated like a child (at least in your eyes). The fact is that 18-22 year olds who still live at home, whether full time or during school breaks, still have to deal with the restrictions put on them by their parents when in the parents’ home. You can ask your father to talk to you about the issues, but it doesn’t sound like he’d be willing to make any changes. Your other choice is to live somewhere else. Many kids who live at college are home for the holiday, and suddenly there are curfews, and rules about taking the car, and requirements to keep the noise down because other people in the house have to work in the morning.

We can all say ‘he should do this’ or ‘he can’t do that’ but the fact is that he can do what he likes in his home (not hit you if you are an adult, but what’s going to be the outcome if you report that? You’ll be asked to leave). If you are physically afraid of him, you need to leave.

If you feel you are depressed, you need to seek treatment. The cure for depression is not staying in bed. Don’t self diagnose and don’t self medicate with what you think will make you better (sleep, alcohol, isolation won’t do it).

32

This is classic domestic violence behavior–blaming the victim–and is very troubling. IMO, you need to not be living there anymore. I agree with the poster who said that college should not be a priority right now. Finish the semester. Then move out. Get a job. Get counseling. Once you have established a life on your own you can figure out the best path for finishing college. Bottom line, you need to start healing from the lifetime of abuse. The sooner, the better.

33

And take your brother with you.

34

<<<
. . . but he has said more than once that if I continue to anger him, he’s “not responsible for what he does to me”.

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This is classic domestic violence behavior–blaming the victim–and is very troubling. IMO, you need to not be living there anymore. I agree with the poster who said that college should not be a priority right now. Finish the semester. Then move out. Get a job. Get counseling. Once you have established a life on your own you can figure out the best path for finishing college. Bottom line, you need to start healing from the lifetime of abuse. The sooner, the better.


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exactly.

This isn’t a situation where a parent says, “if you don’t do your chores, you won’t get your allowance. If you choose not to do your chores, I’m not responsible for the consequence (the loss of allowance).”

That is different because the “consequence” is not abuse, illegal, etc.

Look at your dad’s silly argument in the extreme. If you continue to anger him, can he kill you and say it was your fault? Can he cut off your arm? Can he starve you for days? Lock you in a room?

Obviously, no. And that’s why his argument folds like a cheap tent. He’s only allowed to “do” to another person within the limits of the law (and what’s decent IMO). If your mom were to make him mad, does he get to rape her and say, “he’s not responsible” because she angered him? No.

What is your mom saying about all of this abuse? Is she too scared?

I would bet my lunch that your dad used to say those SAME words to your mom after he hit her, “If you didn’t make me so angry, I wouldn’t hit you.” Ugh…classic abuse.

Maybe MOM, BROTHER and this student ALL need to leave. At least mom could get some money out of leaving, and perhaps provide a safe home for the three.

The three of you need to get together and make a secret plan to get away.

35

When I was 18, I stilled lived in my parents’ house with their money. Did so until I was 20. Anyway, I thought being 18 meant I could tell my parents they couldn’t tell me what to do. My stepdad did that thing where you grab somebody by the cheeks and squeeze, then get a couple inches from their face and roar, and asked if that felt the same as it did when I was 16, threw me onto my bed, and grounded me. And you know what? That didn’t do anything to make me want to listen to my parents or do what they told me to do. What it did do was make me resent them, lose respect for them, and not really care about their feelings. Expecting me to listen and do work around the house wasn’t the problem. The problem was, as you say, the screaming, yelling, threatening, and namecalling (Swearing’s normal to me, though. Just don’t call your kids profane names. My parents called me the R word, and that was bad. Especially because I have Aspergers.). It doesn’t fix disciplinary problems or make your adult kid respect you, it drives a wedge in and makes the problem worse. What the OP’s dad is doing is absolutely not acceptable, and I’m not surprised OP doesn’t feel inclined to be a model member of household. I’d suggest leaving, but it sounds like OPs options in that regard are very limited. Supporting yourself at 18-20 is extremely difficult, and in many situations infeasible.