Still here for you in the days ahead if you need it!! 
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@snowball, glad to see you back here and read your update.
Sending hugs for all the days ahead.
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Snowball, my thoughts are with you and your family. What a difficult and painful journey for all of you.
Dear @snowball, what a journey you’ve had. Your H sounds like he was a wonderful person and helped so many. Maybe writing some of the memories people have shared will be good for you for now and to reread by you and loved ones later? It’s just a thought.
It was lovely to read of some happy memories people had of our folks. It’s always nice to know others had fond thoughts and memories of the folks.
When my kids went to the CCRC to donate S’s flower arrangements there, they were happy to hear from staff that they all remembered and missed mom.
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Thank you for giving us all an update. Please come back whenever you want. Grieving is different for everyone, of course, but the CC forums are full of good listeners.
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@snowball — please know in your heart that your wonderful husband knew that he was very loved for who he was and all he did, even if people didn’t say as much to him in words.
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I’m so glad your SIL came through in the end, albeit after putting you through the wringer. Again, my condolences.
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I made a point of going back and treating the team that had looked after my Mom in her last weeks. I figured that going back in person, showing how much the family appreciated their care, and recognizing how difficult their daily tasks must be, was in some way “paying forward”.
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Hugs @snowball, especially every time one of the “waves” overtake you. Hopefully, eventually most make you smile - or even laugh out loud!
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I attended a funeral at church today, in this case somebody with the good fortune to have a long and full life. One granddaughter read this poem…. I really liked it. (This is more geared toward the group, who are missing friends/family… I know at this point the grief is still very new for Snowball, hard to find comfort. It never gets easy missing a loved one, but over time it does get easier.)
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Ah, @snowball, so sorry!
Thank you, I just took a screen shot, getting hospice started for FIL (96, still in his home with 95 year old MIL, things are going south rapidly, goodbyes are being said). They have 12 grandchildren and I know some will want to participate at the services. OP is still in my thoughts, both of my parents passed around this time of year, and it’s bittersweet, the sadness but also seeing loved ones and making new memories.
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Thinking of you @snowball. Marveling at how you navigated some very challenging waters. Hang in there 
I was thinking about my own cruddy relationship with the winter holidays, and @snowball came to my mind. I sincerely hope you and your kids will have a blessed and peaceful Hanukkah season (yes, I know it’s a few weeks away, but I wanted to send my wish while I’m thinking about it).
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Snowball, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I hope no one minds if I add more to the Spousal Caregiver thread.
Snowball and I have had conversations offline and it’s helpful to be able to know how this path twists and turns.
DH was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last March at age 63. He’s not willing to go off treatment yet, but things are not good.
Right now I need to navigate our Long Term Care insurance policy. We have the federal policy and the company needs paperwork to establish when the need for care began. 90 days from that point, they will begin reimbursing claims.
They are sending the paperwork and two of the doctors have indicated they have seen enough to go more than 90 days back in the ADLs.
We have had a caregiver/helper since May, but we have been paying her cash. She’s in her mid-70s and lives in subsidized Sr Citizen housing. We can’t jeopardize her financial situation. I’m happy to keep paying her but also add someone else we can “claim”.
If anyone has experience with this (LTC claims, or the federal policy) please let me know.
We have navigated or are navigating, short and long term disability, closing out the work years, filing for the final FSA/flex claims, Cobra, etc. I’m still working full time. We’ve been married almost 40 years. It’s taken me awhile to be ready to go “anonymously-public” but here we are!
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Of course no one minds if you add to this thread. That’s what it’s here for. I am sorry for the situation you are experiencing.
When my FIL needed assistance for his LTC claim, it was tough. We had to push his doctor to provide the information we needed. His PCP was not helpful. He had Parkinson’s, and eventually his neurologist completed the paperwork. MIL was in assisted living, and the staff was amazing - they took care of everything necessary for the claim to be approved. The fact that your H’s doctors are willing to verify a timeline is going to be very helpful. We did find that we had to follow up with the LTC companies regularly as the claims were processing, but once the approval happened, everything was smooth.
When we used my dad’s LTC plan, we had already in place a case manager and caregiver. So after the home interview from the LTC company, we were able to get forms retroactively submitted. But the caregiver had to be from an agency and/or had at a minimum a CNA and IIRC we had to document pay (including taxes, etc). Is your helper able to meet these requirements? Perhaps you can get one person who will be paid by the LTC company and augment with the woman you would like to continue to use. But Its unfortunately unlikely LTC will cover if she is not certified. Check your policy to see if they must be from an agency. That probably varies. Sorry about your husband.
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I’m sorry about your husband. I negotiated my dad’s LTC insurance when he was dying and while I’m not sure I have anything useful to offer I’m happy to give my experience. I found they did nothing without multiple calls. Once I got someone on the phone they were generally compassionate and things moved; however emails and submissions through their portal were generally ignored without a follow up phone call. Otherwise they were generous about including things in the exclusion period (visiting nurses paid by Medicare after a hospitalization counted as did hospice care - and we only needed someone to have come once for the whole week to count). Therefore the 100 day exclusion period was almost over by the time we needed paid care. We didn’t have to pay anything out of pocket. Also remember your premiums stop once you’re receiving care under the policy. While they waived the future premium with no problem I had to fight to get the premium already pre-paid back. I actually had forgotten about it when they came back and said they’d overpaid us (we had the aide come in and help my mom clean up everything after he died) at which point I said you are correct, but until we get the premium back (which was quite a bit more than the four hours they were contesting) I’m not paying it. Took some back and forth but I eventually won. I’m sure most families never even think to ask for that money - they initially didn’t even seem to know what to do with the request. Again so sorry about your husband’s diagnosis.
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We need to submit invoices — our plan allows family members to submit invoices!
I prefer to pay the new helpers through an agency. That will keep the documentation cleaner.
I’m off to visit Care.com and see what the options look like.
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