@shawbridge wonderful, uplifting post.
@lookingforward, thanks.
Another good thread @doschicos
I am late to the party. I don’t know if best friend is the right word to describe H. If best friends means we have the same interests and do everything together then no, we are not like that. But we have each other’s back, each other’s secrets, and we are each other’s rock. We know how to cheer each other up, or how to push the button, and we can absolutely be ourselves with each other. He is the one person I trust with all of my heart and soul. He is the one I cried with when I have period cramp and know he’ll make me feel better, and doesn’t mind that I am moody and bossy when I am sick. Best friends wouldn’t put up with that lol. We tell each other most things, what we don’t tell doesn’t really matter. We talk about all sort of things, kids, science, politics, never run out of topic to talk about.
But I would rather go out to 3 hour long outdoor dinner with my besties and talk about all sort of things, than dragging hubby out knowing he would be miserable. He doesn’t enjoy fine dinning the way that I do. I love having lunch/dinner with my good friends, besties and coworkers. I make time for them to catch up individually or with a small group. H has a few that he has lunch with but he can go for months without seeing them and he is fine. I like to exercise with my bff, H prefers go to the basement and lift weights and be done with. I am a social creature, I connect with most people and genuinely care about them. I am also naturally curious, I ask a lot of questions and listen well. I also remember the details and follow-up. It’s part of why I have many friends. H is an introvert. If I know he wouldn’t enjoy certain kind of gathering, I tell him he doesn’t have to go. I am comfortable being around other people or couples without H. But he is a good sport and usually endures, especially it’s a couple event.
Once in a while my besties and I make vacation plans. Sometimes with kids, sometimes without. Of course family vacation comes first and I would rather be with H and the kids than with anyone else in the world. I love and enjoy their company. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have room for friends.
So I guess in conclusion, H is my favorite person in the whole world, but I still want my best friends in my life.
I guess I have some different relationships with my closest friends. Like some others here, I have a number of villages and girlfriends that are like sisters to me. A couple from childhood, three from college and more from adult life. Most are married with good relationships with their husbands, but also good friendships with their women friends.
I don’t feel like I have to share every detail of my friend’s lives with my husband, including tough things in their lives like difficulty with spouses or their children’s struggles. Not that friends say this is a secret, but his relationship with them, while friendly, is not intimate. It doesn’t impact my feelings of closeness with my husband and would feel, to some extent, like gossiping if I told him certain details. And there are things between my spouse and I that I would not tell my friends, even my best ones. We share the same life view, politics and parenting style (for the most part).
Like @Nhatrang, I do things with friends my DH would not be interested in (although he likes fine dining) or would just not enjoy to the same extent. Some of my friends are divorced, so don’t always want to be a “third wheel”. I also walk with several friends as DH (and their spouses) doesn’t enjoy long, fast walks. I am close with some of the women in my book group (DH and I read some of the same books, but many others that are different).
IMHO, it is entirely possible to have a very good and close relationship with your spouse and kids, but still have strong and intimate relationships with people outside your family. It is interesting to see how people define their friendships and view those in the context of their marriage.
"It is entirely possible to have a very good and close relationship with your spouse and kids, but still have strong and intimate relationships with people outside your family. "
IMO, not only it’s possible, it’s healthy.
I certainly don’t want H and I to be attached to the hips. It’s too much togetherness for me. It’s always interesting to me when someone was invited to something, their default position is that if the SO can make it. It’s a package deal for them. I am not wired that way. Fortunately most of my friends aren’t ether (and many are happily married).
A couple of my friend close friends and I are going to an all inclusive resort on election day Nov 3 to escape the crazies. I know H would be gluing to CNN and twitter and everything, he wouldn’t want to miss a beat. So I did all the bookings with my friends before I even told him. He said “thanks for not making me feel guilty about not going”.
He is introvert but isn’t antisocial at all. All my friends adore him. He is very funny and witty. My friends would call to talk to me, and ended up talking to him for hours. A friend joked that if I ever leave him, she would disown me. She would walk into my house and yell for his name, he would come down to chat, and then disappears into his office.
My late MIL and her husband had a very close relationship. They were “best friends” in ways that many have described here: they had the same interests, did everything together, went everywhere together, even to grocery store. They were one of those people - if one of the spouses can’t make it, the other can’t either. They didn’t know how to enjoy themselves in a social setting when they weren’t with their spouse. When MIL passed away 10 years ago, he went into deep depression. And with no supporting network outside of the marriage, it was so hard for him. 10 years later and he still couldn’t have a thanksgiving without crying.
In any case, I think the dynamic of each relationship is so different. You stick with what works for you.
This is the key. Humans are wired differently from introvert/extrovert to love languages to things we enjoy/despise. Why would we even think all “good” or “successful” relationships should be the same?
H and I are extremely close and it’s going to hurt when/if one of us goes before the other. We’ve talked about that and what each of us would do. It happens. I still get sad when I think too much about my mom passing away and our lives together. Such is life. I wasn’t as close with my dad in my latter years. His passing, while still emotional, was much easier for me, both when it happened and now. There’s no way I wish I hadn’t been closer to my mom. I’d rather have been so close and lost than not have been so close. Ditto with H.