<p>Motivated…
General comments:
-you should not go back to that two heads quote (or any introductory quote) in a body paragraph. That is kind of superflous, imo. At most a subtle reference would suffice. And especially with the quote you used, which needs no elaboration because of its inherent simplicity.<br>
-I don’t see much analysis. You say we are all interconnected, but why is that beneficial? How does that help us understand ourselves? How does each piece of evidence relate back to the prompt?<br>
-There isn’t much flow to the essay. You hop around to one thing and then the next. Hence there is an organizational problem.</p>
<p>So, I think your real problems lie in the realm of logic. You never really proved or analyzed anything, you are repetitive, your thesis wasn’t very strong, and your evidence was unorganized and somewhat irrelevant. Your essay seems more like a stream of thought than anything else. </p>
<p>Advice: Maybe you could outline your essay first. So you first think of a thesis statement, then think of a few things that you could use to support your thesis that are also very relevant and write them down (ex: Donne, mom’s sayings, math problem, whatever). Each thing you write should become its own paragraph, unless it is closely related with something else to make it one paragraph (ex: two shakespeare plays, a math and science problem, two movies, etc.)</p>