Katliamom - I’ve got a son who is similar to your friend’s described above. I’m at wit’s end as what to do. The first child has been so easy to raise. She’s always worked hard and been industrious and resourceful. I’ve been so proud of her efforts, regardless of the outcome even when it was disappointing. My son on the other hand, lacks her maturity and I struggle daily to figure out why he’s always looking for short-cuts and expediency rather than doing the work the course demands. He’s very bright. Just lazy as I’ll get out. I used to think it was his age (he’s younger than most kids in his class by a year) but then I think back to my daughter at the same age and she was not that way at all.
A few months ago, after a long cry about it, I accepted the fact that I was far more emotionally vested in his outcomes than he was. I made an ultimatum. I told him I would cancel music lessons if he did not practice daily. I told him he could either put the work in that his teachers demanded, or I was happy to see him off to a community college (cheaper for me anyway). Unless he started caring, I said to him, I will divert my attention and resources to more rewarding pursuits. It’s very hard to see him make avoidable mistakes with time management and priorities. I try not to see his flailing as a failure, but as an opportunity for him to learn the hard way how life works. It is the most painful thing I’ve had to make myself do as a parent – letting him face the consequences of his choices. I just don’t have the energy any more, I’m too emotionally drained from the effort.
It feels very much like my relationship with him is based on emotional rewards. But it works both ways. He knows the game even better than me, and uses it to manipulate me as well because he knows I care way more than he does. No sane person can be this vested in parenting outcomes without a meltdown eventually. I had to check out, mentally and emotionally.