The story of the Palo Alto schools is upsetting. I feel very sorry for everyone affected.
Pushing kids to do well competitively and trying to encourage kids to be their best self are two different things in my opinion.
We have pressure cooker schools in our area, and this was something to avoid, in my opinion. Over the years we have met many parents (who were former students in some of the schools), and parents of kids who went to the schools, and some of the mindset is quite questionable to me. We know people who went to ânon HYPâ ivy schools whose parents felt disappointed in the results. This is nuts to me. I know people who went to H but were disappointed that the kid didnât go to S or whatever. Nuts in my opinion. You donât have to go to a pressure cooker school for the parents to feel this way (and thus transfer the feeling to the kids!), but I think there are more of these parents in those school districts.
I know kids who want to go to a certain type of grad school because it is what the parents want - not the kids. Many kids who did all the work to get into âtopâ colleges find that when they get there and have freedom not to study, practice violin or whatever, that they donât want to do it. They change from pre-med to something else etc.
For Pragmantic mom and others who see that the kids donât want to âperformâ so to speak, I can understand the frustration, BUT - you shouldnât really transfer the disappointment to your kids. Yes, you can say that there are consequences - that even if you have a high IQ or do great on SAT on natural talent if your grades are average, top schools wonât usually want you. I wouldnât pay for music lessons if the kid doesnât show interest in playing outside of the lesson. (My own parents pointed this out to me at 12 when I didnât want to practice - I never faulted them for it- they were right.)
My own kid usually didnât want to do the things I suggested - no ballet, and no scouting were two in particular. (Also quit music). She did find things that she liked herself, and they were somewhat unexpected to me. More power to her. This was a lesson I learned early on when she rejected my suggestions.
Hoo boy. Yes, I read that Atlantic article too and it was quite upsetting. Really made me reflect on my own school experience, and the experience Iâve tried to create for my kids in response.
I actually went to one of the âtest schoolsâ in NYC back in the day (the 80âs, koff) and⊠I did not flourish in that environment. While itâs certainly nice to have peers and the opportunities for challenges, Iâm not sure being among people who are positively marinating in pressure and expectations (Iâm talking about students and parents both) is healthy.
For my daughters (the eldest is currently a HS junior), Iâve decided that my goal has to be to supervise but not over-meddle. I tell them that Iâd rather have them be happy B students than miserable A students - but itâd better be an honest B, not a throwaway because they couldnât be bothered to show up. I try to make sure they follow through on things they committed to, but I let them take the lead on what those commitments are. I think the idea that thereâs some specific formula for achievement or life success that only routes a few ways though certain proscribed courses or institutions is a damaging myth, and I hope we start to see the pendulum start to swing the other way again.
When I think about people I admire, the ones who come to mind are the ones who fought the good fight, so to speak and busted their butts to get where they are. What parent doesnât want their children to have that grit and industriousness? It doesnât only show up in academic work, but also in household chores. One kid does housework/yardwork until its finished, however long it takes. The other kid puts in five minutes and wants to go rest/play. I hope itâs not reflected in how they approach challenges later in life, but that is my fear. You alternate between worrying that you are not pushing enough or worrying that you are pushing too much. This worry is worse when you have to keep up with the Jones because it makes you think youâre the only one who hasnât figured out how to straighten out your kid. Our school is not a pressure cooker like Palo Alto, but the struggle for balance is real, nonetheless.
My mantra is â keep it in perspective. When my son was derailing in high school, I kept repeating this: âHe doesnât have a terminal illness. Heâs not on drugs. Heâs not a runaway. He doesnât hate his parents. He has good buddies who care about him and are good role models.â I gotta tell you, it worked in those troubled hours!
Perspective helps: one of my nephews was not at all enthusiastic about applying for college. I think he thought heâd get in to all the places he applied; he is a URM; he is a he; he is very talented in the arts, including winning a national award; he had a 4.0; he attended high school in a city with a very low graduation rate for blacks, especially black boys. He took the slacker approach to applications. He got into one school and it probably wasnât his top choice. So, things like lazy and lacking in ambition and so on went through our (family membersâ) heads. While all this was going on (college acceptances, decisions, the end of senior year), he injured himself. He went to the doctor. We were told there was nearly a 100% chance he had a particular form of cancer that would require grueling treatments. Almost the first thing the doctors said was, âAre you planning to go to college? Because if you are, change your plans. Youâll be hooked up to chemotherapy, instead.â (They were more diplomatic, but stillâŠ) It turned out that the initial diagnosis was wrong and he didnât have the really terrible cancer; he had a benign tumor instead. But in that week or so before the correct diagnosis was issued, I and my sister (his mom) didnât give a damn about colleges or work habits or ambition. And knowing what could have happened but didnât, I continue to try to keep my priorities in proper order.
OMG, rosered55, what a horrible way to learn the keep-it-in-perspective lesson! What you guys must have gone through!
(And the reality is, your nephew still has all sorts of opportunities in front of him, even with the prospect of going to a college thatâs not his first choice. If he still wants to, he can try the transfer route. Or shoot for a first-rate grad program. Our very, very imperfect higher education system is flexible and forgiving and doesnât turn its back on kids who mature later than others.)
Was there an environmental effect, in that if the school was one where few students graduate (much less go on to college), there may not have been much encouragement from any of counselors, teachers, or peer students to make much of an effort in searching for and applying to colleges?
@PragmaticMom, how old is your son? Boys do take longer to mature. My son used to balk at challenging himself because he didnât understand the necessity and preferred to take the easier road. Now that he has visited colleges and better understands why some of these choices matter, he has really kicked it into high gear. I think his new industriousness and motivation reflects both his increased maturity and also his understanding of the inter-relationship between his work and his future.
Thank you Rosered55 and others for the perspective. I realize it could be much, much worse (drugs, pregnancy and the like; and fortunately no physical or mental illnesses). The emotional push/pull relationship alienates the parent from the child and vice versa. Itâs hard to break out of this cycle because the praise/shame thing is so ingrained in that delicate relationship. Throw in external pressure from schools/teachers other competitive kids and even kids who are otherwise healthy get pushed over the brink.
Pittsburghscribe: Mine is 15. When does the maturity kick in? I canât stay emotionally engaged at the level that I was - I probably was either going to push him off the edge (rhetorically speaking) or go insane myself.
