<p>One of the students who tragically committed suicide at our high school a few years ago was very involved with activities including sports, was a strong student, and was considered a leader in the community. This student’s’ parents were very involved, unlike your nephew’s friend’s parents. In fact, a lot of the information disseminated by our school district after this suicide and several others focused on students feeling too much pressure to achieve, too much fear of not meeting parents’ expectations to be perfect in every way (SATs, grades, sports, etc.) So one cannot make a generalization as to how things might have been different if the parents were more involved and the kid was more involved, at least in all cases.</p>
<p>I don’t like that the parents get blamed, almost no matter what. I think most mental illness is a result of biological/chemical processes in the brain and even if treated, is hard to overcome. Unless the parents are basically by the child’s side 24 hours a day, these are highly impulsive acts that are close to impossible to prevent. </p>
<p>Most kids with under-involved, uncaring parents do not commit suicide; most kids with over-involved, overly ambitious and pushy parents do not commit suicide. I’m not saying the parenting doesn’t matter, it does especially in seeking to obtain caring, professional help. But most parents do the best they can and most parents aren’t perfect. I know the parents of some kids who have committed suicide and they are some of the most wonderful people in the community with other very healthy, happy kids.</p>
<p>I agree with all of Patient’s comments above. In fact, after the tragic incident I mentioned above, much information was publicized in our community about how a disturbed teenager may suddenly do something very impulsive with tragic consequences.</p>
<p>I don’t blame the parents at all. I’ve had my own struggles as a parent and learned how little control I really have!
One never knows what can head a teen (or an adult) towards the choice of not being able to deal with life. I do know that having a healthy passion for something can color the world a little brighter.</p>
<p>I started this post b/c my D admitted to me that she has been cutting. Out of all our 5 kids (she is the 2nd child), she was always the fun-spirited-confident-go with the flow type of kid. Since HS started and she’s been exposed to teen suicides and cutting, she seems to be getting more distant from us and can’t seem to deal with typical teen stresses. We can’t figure out whether she’s just curious about cutting or wanting attention or may possibly be depressed. When she told us that she was cutting, I felt like a rug was pulled from under me and I was all of a sudden looking at a complete stranger! It’s been 3 weeks since we talked and since she promised to stop. She has not done anymore cutting but now I’m afraid to walk on egg shells around her. She failed two finals (she’s typically a strong B student) and I knew it was b/c she chose to go out with her friends and not study. So after lecturing her on the consequences of these decisions she made, she blew up and said that she was still dealing with trying not to cut her self anymore. Needless to say, I am at my wits end about this b/c I can not see anything in her life that can be so miserable that she would still feel the urge to cut…not now and not even before! I don’t consider my H and I to be any different then other parents here who love and want the best for their kids. Our lectures (blow-outs) are not out of fits of anger or rage, but typical of a parent when a kids comes home with a bad grade. We just can’t figure out what is going on in her head! Part of me wants to blame this community b/c it’s a pretty wealthy and sheltered community who puts so much pressure on the kids academically and athletically…that if you don’t fit in the mold, you are a failure. On top of that, you have a lot of spoiled kids who get want they want but when they are dealt with a problem their first resort is to get drunk, kill themself or cut.
Anyway, aside from venting, I just wanted to see if anyone can shed some light to this. Thanks!</p>
<p>chevy4…from a parent who was in a similar situation with my then 16yo daughter…please get your daughter to a therapist. My daughter sounds very much like yours and when we found out she had been cutting (and promised to stop) we felt like we had been hit with a ton of bricks. Needless to say she was not able to stop and we finally found a wonderful therapist who worked with her (she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and started on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds). Two years later she is a college freshman, 3.5 GPA her first semester, very happy and best of all…has not cut herself since beginning therapy!!</p>
<p>chevy, I’m sorry your family is going through this and agree with the advice about seeing a therapist.</p>
<p>Chevy - I concur with Jillie. Please find a qualified therapist for your daughter to talk to. If she doesn’t seem to click with the first one, find another. It certainly won’t hurt and most likely will help. Yes, there are some teens who cut for attention, but others really are just trying to cope . For her to tell you means she was really wants help. Good luck.</p>
<p>chevy- I agree that the pressures of the more affluent communities can easily lead to this type of behavior. While it seems bizarre, if you research it, it makes some sense. There are some good books out there on the topic.</p>
<p>Therapy is definitely in order, and it may take a change in environment. This was rampant in our community in Dallas.</p>
<p>I only have limited experience with this, but have read that cutting is more common than people realize. A couple of years ago, my daughter mentioned that she knew kids in high school that cut themselves but wouldn’t say who they were. Then, last year she told me about one of the girls who had done it, but wasn’t doing it any more. (This daughter tends to reveal things to me 2 or 3 years after they have happened.) I was surprised to learn who it was. An utterly charming, beautiful girl, who you would never guess had a care in the world. But, of course, everyone does have cares/problems/anxieties, even if it is not obvious to the outside world. Anyway, she got help from a therapist, and as far as I know, is doing well. </p>
<p>Is this another thing that is more a part of this generation than of previous ones? I was not aware that people cut themselves when I was in high school 30 + years ago . . .</p>
<p>I think it is more a part of this generation because there is more pressure to be “perfect” and have everything under control. The counselor at the Dallas prep school my D attended through 10th grade told me that cutting and severe eating disorders were rampant. This was a girl’s school for the “best of the best”. It was really shocking to me. These kids needed to be given some permission to screw up and be less than perfect. It seems like it is combination of ultra-competitiveness, peer pressure and parental pressures. Basically, these kids push themselves SO hard and when there are disappointments or the stress gets to be too much, the physical pain of the “cut” masks the emotional pain AND is something they can control.</p>
<p>Anybody who thinks that eating disorders, cutting, pre-suicidal/suicidal thoughts, drinking, drugs and sex are not prevelent in their school they are just plain nieve. </p>
<p>First- kids don’t tell- they didn’t tell 30 years ago and they don’t tell now. All are merely the manifistations of physical, chemical and emotional changes. All need to be addressed by a therapist if you do find out- and NOBODY should ever say it wouldn’t happen to your kid. </p>
<p>Sure there are some parents who should take the blame, but I would say that an equal amount of it is just a mixture of our society, the pressure, the overdose of media influences, the acceptance of alcohol, and leisure drugs. Pressure is more often in the mind of the teen. A manifestation of their own expectations- not always but probably just as often.</p>
<p>I think the blame that all of us can take is that we think it only happens to kids who “have issues”. As a rebellious child turned parent- trust me this stuff is going on all around private, public, religious…it’s there and you must educate your kids.</p>
<p>We were very lucky in that two of our daughters varsity basketball teammates went to the coach (who thankfully also happened to be a guidance counselor in a different school) who then went to our daughter and then to us. I am so thankful that these girls had the courage to go to the coach…if they hadn’t I don’t know how long it would have been before we knew she was cutting. She told us later that she felt so much pressure to do well in school and basketball (she was being recruited by colleges), was depressed and anxious and did not feel like she could relieve the pressure until she cut herself. So foreign to me but to her it “made sense.”</p>
<p>Well, the kids don’t tell adults much, but they do tell each other, is the impression I’m getting. The kids don’t know what to do with that information, not sure if it is tattling, sometimes. I’m glad, Jilliebean in your case, that the girls took it to a caring adult.</p>
<p>I think some of these kids, because they appear to have so much going for them, are under a lot of pressure to always be <em>at the top of their game.</em> It’s a lot of pressure for a kid to feel like they can never make a mistake, never be seen as anything but perfect, even if that pressure is coming from within.</p>