We’ve planted trees on the 1st anniversaries or made donations to favorite charities.
That said, if you don’t want to do anything, don’t force yourself. Your nieces can do their own thing on their own.
Hugs to you!
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I think that’s a very personal decision and if you want to observe these dates privately, then by all means do so.
I want to be alone with my thoughts and not in a family gathering. That’s me.
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For both parents, the church celebrated with a Mass for them and we were invited, but that was really the anniversary of their funerals, not their deaths. It meant something to my mother who survived my father and she could just go to the mass and be as public or as private as she wanted.
I think going to dinner on your father’s birthday would be nice, and a little happier occasion than the date of death or even father’s day - birthday to celebrate him.
Here are a number of ideas:
There is a significance to the one year anniversary in Jewish tradition, which essentially marks the end of the formal period of mourning. So there are certain activities that can be done, including lighting a candle and visiting the grave.
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I’ve been honoring and cursing my mother all week. She loved her rose garden and I finally got them going and a few bushes are budding, but there were a lot of weeds (thus the cursing) and I’m trying to get all the weeds out between each bush and put down new black dirt. I really don’t like gardening at all and can only spend about 20-30 minutes at a time out there because I get dizzy.
Then there is the back yard. She put a lot of new flowers in each year just around the fence, but the weeds got WAAY out of control while I concentrated on the front yard roses, and now I’m out there pulling and cutting weeds that are like cornstalks, again 20 minutes at a time. I’m thinking we might just have to till the whole yard and start fresh. There is one big weird bushy thing that has stalks like rhubarb and it never grew very well because the dogs always trampled it down, but no dogs this year so it is HUGE, like a big dome thing with white tops. Thanks Mom.
I really don’t enjoy gardening but do it for my mother because I know she can see them from heaven.
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You know, you can pay people to do this for you. Honor your mother and save yourself.
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I just attended an unveiling a few weeks ago. Its very meaningful.
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I definitely think the right thing is the thing that feels right to YOU. Your nieces can also recognize the day in their own way - without you if you prefer that
On my moms one year anniversary we rented an AIRBNB and H and I and our 3 kids and their SO’s spend a wonderful weekend together. We might have done it anyway but everyone felt they wanted to be together that weekend so that’s what we did.
She was Jewish so we had the special candle we had burned after she died. We lit that and burned it the evening of the one year day.
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Well, I am on the verge of running away. I am so fed up!
My mother’s original trust was drafted by one of the best estate planning attorneys in the state. When my father died, Mom was angry that the attorney didn’t send her a card. So she refused to use her services ever again. As a result of poor drafting by a new attorney, I now own my mother’s home and personal property with my deceased sibling’s children. Mom’s trust now provides that their shares must be held in trust until they are 30, unless their trustee agrees otherwise. I wanted to buy their shares but unfortunately couldn’t agree on a price with him. I had a professional appraisal done and made a reasonable offer but he thought the house was worth more.
Today I met with a realtor to list Mom’s house. It can’t be listed until I get rid of everything that’s left, which is a lot. We are going to sell it “as is” so someone can fix it to their taste. And it’s going to be listed at pretty close to the appraised value, not much more. I am so tired and frustrated of everything. The realtor was after we had met with our attorney to sign estate planning documents and I took one of our dogs to the vet. I just am stretched so thin and feel like everyone has been pushing me to get things done because all they care about is the money. I’m so tired of doing all the work only for people to tell me to do more.
Argh. Vent over.
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I’m so sorry! Sending cyber hugs!
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Holy wow — vent all you want, that must be incredibly frustrating
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I’m so sorry, really. I know your situation is very different but I’ve had to push my sister to get things done and always feel awful but it costs money to let anything sit. It’s like “I don’t mean to yell at you but…all this needs clearing up NOW!” Taxes, fees, etc just keep adding on. It’s a total mess. I know she is overwhelmed but it all needs doing and sooner than later. She’s the only one who can sign those papers. It’s very hard. Lots of decisions and she wasn’t ever a good decision maker.
The biggest hurdle is the gotta do this before that sequence. Getting the priorities in order is hard.
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I wish I could meet you for a coffee or a glass of wine and let you vent away bc my gosh, you are dealing with a lot. 
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My in laws set up their trust so that if one of their kids dies & the grandkids get their share, it has to be held in trust until they turn 35. These kids have been fully functioning adults since their early 20’s. Two are 35 now, but one is a 32 year old who is quite capable of managing an inheritance. I don’t understand the reasoning behind this … why hold the trust open for years, reducing the eventual inheritance? I’m sorry that this happened in your case … the hypothetical is real, and it s***s.
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@gouf78 - Have you offered to help your sister with priorities and estate management? I spent a substantial portion of my career doing estate administration professionally. It’s not easy. Mom hasn’t even been gone a year. They have been the ones dragging their feet yet now it’s hurry up since I wouldn’t pay more than their shares were worth.
@kelsmom - people would often impose those conditions when the grandchildren were very young or not yet born as a way of “protecting “ their inheritance in the event they were spendthrifts, with the thought being age would bring maturity. Mom didn’t intend for her house to be held in trust until they were 30, but sloppy drafting by the attorney made it so. Happily as trustee I can declare the trust impractical to administer and dissolve it by converting trust assets to cash and distributing them.
Okay, I feel better. Thanks for letting me let it out.
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Yes. Which is why it’s so frustrating. At some point you have to TAKE the advice given you.
You’ve got to relinquish control and DO what the people who actually KNOW what to do.
I try to be nice–but it’s truly affecting too much of MY bank account at this point. And her too. It’s always “I don’t have time for this or that”…but you would recapture your LIFE if you did a few simple things and take them off your plate! I don’t need the money–I need my sister back from underneath a self-imposed cloud. Sorry for my own rant!
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I feel for both sides, though I, personally, am on the “what are you waiting for?” side.
My brother is executor, and he drags his feet about everything. My dad has been gone more than four years, and he still hasn’t sold my dad’s assets from his expensive hobby. My sister and I don’t want the same to happen to our mom’s house, watching it deteriorate while no one lives there and we just spin our wheels. I have offered and offered help, but I am out of town so I’m not there to crack the whip, and when my sister and I propose this or that he gets are upset and says what’s the rush?
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This is a stickler point to have assets clearly worth money but nobody in the immediate family readily needs or wants. It feels in many ways like you’re throwing a loved ones life away if you don’t maximize the value. It feels heartless. I’ve seen a friend stuck for years this way (so recognize it). If anybody has a good “mantra”, trick, etc to break the cycle it’ll be good. I broke the cycle for my friend–I did the disposal of goods with assurance it would go to someone who wants it. Easy as the objective party–harder for those emotionally attached.
My brother is really good at this
$100 or less with sentimental value – give it to someone who will appreciate it
$100 or less without sentimental value – throw it out or donate it
$100 or more and large – sell it
$100 or more and small – distribute to family to hang on to for someday when they may need to liquidate it, or pass it on to next gen
Obviously there will be some exceptions and exceptional circumstances, but he has helped his inlaws with four estates now, and this is a pretty useful guideline.
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My SIL gets rid of my in laws’ stuff by putting it in her basement. Apparently, it’s a black hole. Documents from the safety deposit box MIL closed out disappeared into the black hole, as apparently did some jewelry my kids were supposed to inherit. Good thing we aren’t going to get upset over it … and good thing we can get a duplicate deed to the cottage from the county clerk.
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