Support for the Kid that never gets picked

Parents Forum
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<p>Since my experience has been criticized, and hopefully I have enlightened you all that my kid has had many, many rejections, I guess I should share how I’ve handled it. The OP asked what she could do? That’s where I’ve made it my parental business to be as aware of my own feelings as possible. Many times I’ve found myself reacting to my childrens’ rejections as if they were mine, or projecting my own past hurts onto them. When I do that, I do them no service whatsoever. So what I do when I know some big decision is coming is put my own feelings in check so that I can be there to listen to my kid. That’s the only thing you can do, is listen, without projecting your own hurt feelings on them. Reflect their feelings back to them, actively listen to what they’re saying, and then let them be when they’re done talking. Then, when they’re not around, rant in your head as much as you want, but never I showed doubt that they can get through this with their own tools.</p>

<p>By the way, I know this is what my kids need. My older daughter has more than once offered my cell number to her friends at college who are going through a rough time. She always tells me after she’s done so, but she says that she tells her friends to call me because I will just listen and not try to fix things, change things, or judge. There’s nothing more empowering than just listening to someone who is struggling and affirming their feelings.</p>

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<p>teriwtt-you are right about the support that kids need without the “what if’s”</p>

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<p>Before we pound on other posters too much, I think it helps to put things in perspective. </p>

<p>As I alluded to before, HS had many disappointments for my D. Yes, she got one high level award (B&L Science award, junior year), she was totally passed over for honors and awards her senior year, even though she had taken many more science classes than anyone else in the school. I asked why? and was told that the teachers decide these things…clubs, teams, youth orchestra and such were similar stories - never a great seat in orchestra, did better on some athletic teams than others, but never a star, never captain or co-captain.</p>

<p>Interestingly, she never lost faith in herself, and in college things started to change, in that she learned that you don’t need votes from others to know you are doing well.</p>

<p>I think what is important is to recognize that many people have a rather narrow view of leadership and excellence. Too often, we confuse popularity with leadership and excellence. We think only the best get elected captain of the team (or head of Harvard Law Review…). We forget that one can lead by example, and that excellence is a personal goal. And we parents can do so much to reinforce a broader concept of leadership and excellence, instead of showing our own disappointment that our kids did not achieve “popular” recognition.</p>

<p>I’m sure some folks at my D’s HS are still in a state of shock that D won a well known national award last fall. This award bases its selection to a great degree on leadership potential. They clearly are using a different definition of leadership than most, as they selected a kid who has never been elected to be the head of any team or club, HS or college, and was never considered a “popular” kid. </p>

<p>So we need to keep in mind that all too many academics, HS and College, still have rather conventional views of leadership and excellence, too often confusing this with popularity. We parents can counter this unfortunate tendency with a bit of reinforcement.</p>

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<p>I don’t think I got much in the way of first choice stuff in my life. Part of it was that I always aimed higher than what I was. Even now, it’s rare that I get exactly what I want. </p>

<p>However, by stretching myself and going for things that were not easy to get, I learned much that I would not have, had I stayed in my comfort zone. Sometimes I ended up in that upper zone later only because I had dipped into the area and knew about it. </p>

<p>Although I would love to get a select prize, and have enjoyed when my kids have, I have noticed that some kids who get too much of the goodies have a hard time enjoying and making the most of situations where there isn’t that thrill of getting something. LIfe is not such that you get a reward for everything you do, and training yourself to look forward to that high of getting something select is not necessarily the best thing. My son who gets the least of these kind of goodies seems to be the one who is enjoying a wonderful consistent quality of life. He is so at peace with himself and comfortable in his skin, doing the best he can, and the right thing. Though he has not won awards for this, people have noticed this, and he enjoys a quiet leadership role with little controversy. I’ve yet to meet a parent or a kid who resents him, and there is a great respect there. There was a brief incident of a head to head conflict ready to occur, but the other kid who was your typical leader, have it all kid, backed down. And he (the other kid) is the one who has and likely will get all of the recognition awards and positions, but when it comes to the day to day, often the true power lies with those less recognized.</p>

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<p>My daughter and I have had this conversation many, many times, about how she doesn’t get chosen for things. </p>

<p>I agree with the others who have said that the fact that your child keeps trying shows a great deal of character and determination. I have to believe that at some point it WILL serve her well. She’ll perservere in the face of obstacles where others would give up. I had a discussion with my child about how some kids who have NEVER failed have a really hard time when they get to college and find out that they aren’t the smartest, fastest, prettiest, whatever, and she just rolled her eyes and said ‘well, I sure won’t have THAT problem’.</p>

<p>As a note of (maybe) inspiration… last week a girl got voted ‘Athlete of the Meet’ at a track meet. She came in last, or next to last, in all of her events. BUT, she is a sprinter, and none of the distance runners from her school showed up, so she ran all the distance races. Even though she didn’t place well, the KIDS went to their coaches and told the coaches to vote for her, because they recognized the team spirit and the willingness to do it, even though she KNEW she’d fail.</p>

<p>It makes me a little misty thinking about it.</p>

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<p>I was a quiet, smart girl in high school; I had friends but never was chosen for anything that required “popularity.” In college I had a great GPA, but was even more of a non-entity. </p>

<p>Here’s what the experience did for me: I searched for a career and a job within that career where my success would be based on my own merit. I am a partner in a fairly large law firm. My advancement and compenstion was/is based on (1) how good of a lawyer I am, and (2) how much business I have. Minimal “office politics.” No being chosen for things. I am well paid and happy. It’s based on my own merit. I’m not dependent on people to vote for me for things.</p>

<p>So, your daughter could learn from her disappointing experiences and mold her career into something fantastic where her own merit is what counts.</p>

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<p>I think it’s definitely a balancing act in high school. I highly doubt whether any kid worth his or her salt ever feels ‘normal’. If they’re brilliant on the academic side, they could be lacking in social skills, maybe resulting in not being with the popular crowd or being ostracized to a certain extent. </p>

<p>Conversely, some very social students don’t give a hoot about their grades & end up scrambling come college time. It’s a rare student that has all cylinders firing for them right through high school. I think there should be a course titled ‘AP Rejection & Angst’!</p>

<p>I know it sounds trite, but the main thing we’ve stressed is to treat everybody like they would like to be treated. My mantra to them for their future is ‘Every Business is a People Business’. When either of my D’s (one college junior, one HS junior) has gotten in a pickle with a fellow student or a teacher, wife & I have tried to refrain from getting involved except to advise each of them. How are they going to learn otherwise? </p>

<p>The older one has pretty much got it down, and will need every ounce of interpersonal skills when interviewing with med schools over the next year. The younger D is talented and smart but definitely has a ways to go socially—in that respect I guess HS is the petri dish, and I can only hope the ‘culture’ ends up fruitful!</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your kind thoughts and suggestions. I’m at work with knots in my stomach. I know she will survive this as she has survived in the past. I have such admiration for her. I would have given up a long time ago!</p>

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<p>I recall a short bio of Abraham Lincoln in which his early life was filled with failures. However his tenacity merely made his arguably the best President this nation has ever had.</p>

<p>So best of luck to your daughter and if things do not turn out well, she seems like an individual who will take it in stride and move onward and upward.</p>

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<p>Danceangel: Hugs to you and your daughter!</p>

<p>A person who is unrecognized and therefore not a threat/object of envy to anyone, can have a wonderful social experience because of this. If your D wants to be an RA in part because she enjoys helping and counseling people, then if she doesn’t get the position assure her that she can still be a fabulous support to her dorm mates without the official title–and maybe even more effectively since she won’t be an authority figure who scares anyone off.</p>

<p>Everyone needs to be validated, to be sure, but the ones who do “get everything” aren’t as blessed as they appear. As was pointed out, they may struggle later on in college where the definition of popularity changes. Also, dealing with competition and jealousy from peers is not fun!</p>

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<p>My d has the same issues. She is tops in her class, grades, friendly, dependable, etc. Her dilemma is that she really is not gregarious, outspoken, over the top friendly and doesn’t really “hold her own” or “sell herself” when it comes to interviews for jobs, RAs, tour guides, etc. She does still try, but is never chosen for these types of positions. She realizes that it is her drawback and that these positions are usually chosen on such traits. While she would make a great RA, tour guide, rep, etc. in the long run, she just doesn’t have the ability to “sell” herself in the five minutes she has as well as other kids. It is unfortunate for potential employers because she does an outstanding job for those that do select her! They are missing out on a great kid! Good luck to your daughter!</p>

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<p>I notice that some are posting that their kids got “only one” award or got awards from teachers and not from peers.</p>

<p>My suggestion is to count your blessings. There are plenty of students – wonderful, hardworking students – who go through high school without getting any awards or other recognition. Some don’t even get college acceptances or career advice because their potential was overlooked by their teachers, GCs and families. Those are the ones whom I truly would consider the students who never get picked.</p>

<p>For the record, younger S never got any school awards. Older S got one or two in middle school. I never got any school awards. None of us got any senior superlatives. I wasn’t crushed by not getting those things, and never saw any evidence that my kids felt badly about not getting them. It’s important to realize that such awards always are judgment calls, and to not base one’s self esteem on whether or not one gets such things.</p>

<p>I would, though, be more concerned about a student who appears deserving who keeps missing out on things like RA possibly because of an inability to sell themselves. Being able to sell oneself is an ability that can be honed. If it isn’t, one will miss out on all sorts of opportunities in life. Role plays and things like Toastmasters can help such a person learn how to sell themselves, something that one can do effectively even if one is a low key person. Doing things such as giving more than one word answers, and obviously showing enthusiasm about things that one cares about – all can help one sell oneself. The more interviews one goes on, too, the more comfortable one will be, and the better one will do.</p>

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<p>I recall another thread in which posters discussed how those who were voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in high school turned out. Definitely not an indicator of anything for my hs class!</p>

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<p>My daughter was going through a rough patch in middle school when a kind and wise (very young) counselor told me something I remember to this day. He told me my daughter was unique and smart, too unique for these other middle schoolers to recognize. He said she was old for her age and it might not be until college that her peers realize what a gift she is! </p>

<p>She blossomed (or the other kids did) during junior year. Yeah, she was still overlooked sometimes by teachers and peers, but for the most part, people started to get her. She is unique, and if you like that in a person then you will love her; if you want a go with the flow person with no ideas, views, or opinions of her own, then don’t hang out with my daughter!!</p>

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<p>I also agree with NorthStarMom that if your daughter is missing out on some kind of communication skills, she doesn’t interview well, she isn’t good at bragging about her accomplishments, etc, that is something she needs to work on. ESPECIALLY for a job like a tour guide or an RA, if she can’t sell herself to the people who choose the position, she’s unlikely to be able to sell herself to the people she’s leading. </p>

<p>It would be helpful to get some honest feedback as to why she wasn’t chosen, so that she could work on those skills. Unfortunately, she may have a hard time getting that kind of feedback.</p>

<p>I recently applied for a job where I got a phone interview, that I thought went pretty well, but then never got a call-back or an interview. I recently saw the job posted again, so I sent another letter and my resume and said that if I wasn’t being considered for the position, I’d be interested in taking a few minutes of their time for an assessment as to what skills I lacked. A few months later they did call me, I had a sit-down with the hiring manager, and she TOLD me what skill sets I was lacking, and suggested a couple of strategies to gain those skills. While it wasn’t pleasant to hear, it WAS helpful.</p>

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<p>she didn’t get it…</p>

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<p>I am so sorry, danceangel. At least she keeps trying and I give her major kudos for that.</p>

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<p>Danceangel----there was a great article in the Wall Street Journal yesterday
on self efficacy and failure. Walt Disney was turned down by art directors as not “being creative enough”, Michael Jordan cut from his sophmore hs backetball team, Dr Seuss being turned down by 29 childrens book publishers,
(the list goes on and on). I REALLY admire students like your daughter. Its about the path, the struggle, the effort, the doing. Her resilience and stregnth are her rewards. Later on these things are infinately more valuable than some long forgotten high school recognition award trophy.</p>

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<p>Damn. I am so sorry. She has to keep putting herself out there.

This is good advice. See if she can get feedback. And keep applying. And crossposted with the above post^^:great advice!</p>

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<p>^ That was a great and inspirational article.</p>

<p>It goes against the spirit of this thread to say this, but I agree with a few other posters who have pointed out that the ‘deciders’ of these things can be in error. I sat in on numerous interviews and was frankly appalled at the way some hiring decisions were made. They let quite a few ‘good ones’ go and hired some real duds for stupid reasons. We should not blame others for our failings, of course, but it’s just possible that your daughter was the best person for the RA job but wasn’t perceived as such by less than perfect people.</p>

<p>Wish her well in the future, and congratulate her resilience!</p>