^ However, if you go in to a lucrative career and save up, that allows you to retire early and/or switch to doing what you want/whatever you want.
You are not in college to get a job. You are there to get an education. Just because you don’t know what you will eventually want to do does not mean that you are lost. The work you do may not even exist yet.
And you can use a humanities degree for almost anything, although if you decide to go into something like nursing or medical school, you will need to continue after college. Most hiring managers recognize the value of a humanities degree, especially from a top school (and you really don’t want to work for the ones that don’t–they tend to be very narrow in their thinking). I’m sorry you are stuck in a place with such limited focus–I’ve heard so many similar stories of silicon valley kids that I really fear those techies are losing their creativity. But you don’t have to give in to this.
Major in something that makes you glad to be in school. And yes, take some “practical” classes like CS–they will broaden your skill set. But don’t waste your time in college studying something you hate.
So much good advice here.
I agree with the “breathe” recommendation. What you’re going through isn’t unusual, but it’s a lot easier to make good decisions when you’re calm. Give yourself a bit of time to relax and to get your emotional mojo back.
I wouldn’t advise taking a year off. Covid has limited way too many opportunities. Instead, I’d encourage you to go back to your campus in the fall, and take as many non-STEM classes as possible. Get all those Gen Ed requirements out of the way and have fun doing it. Explore the curriculum a bit, after all that’s what T10 schools are famous for: the stunning breadth of their academic offerings.
Study what you love. If it’s humanities, so be it. Smart people (and make no mistake about it, you’re smart) find a way to make their humanities degrees desirable for employers, and go on to interesting and fulfilling careers.
If by the end of your sophomore year you’re still feeling rudderless and overwhelmed, consider taking a year off then. The world will have likely figured out how to live with Covid by then, and you’ll have better job/internship/travel/study abroad options.
Be kind to yourself. You have worked incredibly hard in the past 5 years and have done very well. With a bit of time/thought there is no reason why you can’t continue succeeding while finding yourself in college.
Wishing you the best.
I had two ideas of what I wanted to study in college and ruled both of them out by the end of the first semester of my sophomore year. The next semester I just took a bunch of classes that sounded interesting and found my major. The classes I had already taken did fill a bunch of distribution requirements so I still graduated in four years.
Another suggestion - YouScience costs around $30 and can help you match your skills and interests to careers. A friend of mine with a doctorate in psychology who does factors analysis for tech companies recommended YouScience for my son when he was in the process of deciding where to apply to college. It takes a few hours to go through the YouScience quizzes and questionnaires but you can save your work and do it in chunks.
There are lots of cool jobs in the world that many people don’t much about.
Back in the day I had a different major listed in each of the four dog books I appeared in. What of it? The more I learned about me, the more I learned about school, and the more I learned about the world all just kept nudging the nose of my boat in slightly different directions. You can’t leap from pillar to post every year, but you should have time for one huge jump without losing all chance of graduating in four. My wife was completely rudderless at the end of sophomore year and picked up an accounting degree in her last two years on campus (Intermediate and Advanced Acct at the same time - nice!) You may not be a square corners and rules freak like her (her favorite class in four years was Tax) but there’s something for everyone, and anyone else can take a year to work it out. So keep sticking your nose into different classrooms, read a variety of things, talk with a variety of people, and don’t be afraid take a little time to sit still and listen for a voice that speaks to your soul.
And don’t feel compelled to change the world or impress your parents’ friends. Honestly the finance and consulting jobs you abhor are not really advancing society much, so the pressure to be more useful should be pretty slight. One more person who has found a happy path forward is worth more to the world than all the $450/hr powerpoints you could ever produce. Trust your instincts and keep your eyes and heart open.
Finally know that relaxing, not grinding, is a skill to master. Not working is not easy for some people. If that’s you then take some time to sit back, loosen your shoulders and shake the stress out of your hands. Then go for a walk. The suggestion above to go out into nature and not do anything is gold. If you want a goal for the summer learn to relax. You’re young and talented, so when you finally know what you want be confident that you’ve proven you’ll be able to go get it. Good luck and stay well.
everyone,
I haven’t been able to respond in the past few days because I got into a really big argument with my parents (more on that later). I’m gonna try to contextualize some of the responses I’ve gotten on here.
First off, I’ll just say where I currently attend: UPenn. I feel like choosing Penn was a mistake for me— the environment is pre-professional and competitive, which is a very toxic combination for someone who is burnt out and directionless (like me). In fact, the only happy people I see at Penn are those who know exactly what they’re doing, why they’re doing it, and when they’re doing it. Kids like me who are undecided major and career-wise (which is not that many freshman) are normally unhappy here.
The thread I linked discusses some of the bad aspects about Penn, and I have largely found them to be true. Sure, there are some pockets of the school that are not pre-professional, over scheduled, competitive, and socially transactional (I’ll talk about this later), but finding these pockets and spending all my time with them would require me to go so much against the grain at Penn that it would be really tiring for me. I spent my first six months of college exerting all my time into doing things deliberately against Penn culture that it was honestly very draining for me, further adding to my burnout and depression.
Finding a group of “like minded peers” is very difficult at Penn. The few people I’ve met who do share my opinion about the school are (obviously) really unhappy here and keep encouraging me to transfer out while I still can. The problem is, my parents don’t want me to give up the prestige of Penn. The reason why I got into an argument with my parents a few days ago is because they keep insisting that it’s dumb and short-sighted to transfer out of an Ivy for cultural reasons and I should just suck it up and stay if I want to get anywhere in life. I kept arguing with them about this and told them that the social hierarchy, pre-professionalism, and academic rigidity of Penn severely harmed my mental health. My parents dismissed this concern and threatened to cut me off if I “transferred down” to another school (they are, however, okay with me transferring to HYPS! lol). My parents don’t really believe that depression or anxiety are real (barring something extreme like a suicide attempt or schizophrenia), so they deny that my depression has had a big impact on my GPA and just keep telling me to “try harder!”
Last year when I was deciding where to go to college, I was debating between Cornell, Penn, and Pomona (the three most selective schools I got into). My heart was 100% set on Pomona, but my parents insisted that I go to Penn. I knew in my heart that Penn was not a good fit for me, but I obeyed my parents like a good Asian daughter. The fact that Pomona was the complete cultural opposite of my super-competitive Silicon Valley high school (and as an extension, Penn) is what drew me to the school. I really wish I could just leave Penn and transfer to Pomona (or similar schools like Brown, Wesleyan, or Vassar), but I know my parents would skin me alive if I did. @Lindagaf mentioned that I sound defeated. That’s because I am. My parents don’t support me, I’m at a school that most kids would die to get into but that I currently hate, and my only source of joy is Facetiming my high school friends or doing drugs at some off-campus apartment in Philly.
@Lemonaid, I am so sorry you lack the support network you need, and I am particularly sad about the lack of support from your parents. It is a terrible thing to find yourself in a place where you feel you don’t fit in and your family will not validate your feelings.
My daughter also visited UPenn and felt a similar pre-professional business vibe plus she did not like Philadelphia whereas she loved Pomona and the consortium. I think it’s a much nicer student culture and quality of life in Claremont. And to us, Pomona is a wonderful place to truly become educated. And employers recognize that Pomona is an academic powerhouse.
Your parents remind me of unyielding parents of my Cornell friends from long ago. It is very hard as a young person to stand up to such obstinate beliefs.
Please seek help through counseling or at the very least reach out to other trusted adults.
I hope you can come to some reconciliation with your parents and some resolution that meets your needs.
I’m also located in Silicon Valley and know the environment (“rat race”) here very well.
I have frequently asked my D18 about her happiness at UMich (nope not an Ivy) since she left CA to go to college. As a parent, I just want her to be happy. So if a transfer is/was necessary, then I’d say “yes” in a heartbeat and get her out of UMich. But thankfully, she’s happy and thriving.
Anyway, all I can say is that I wish I could talk to your parents. Do you have someone, anyone, in your extended family and friends network, that your parents know and trust that could talk to them and persuade them to change their mind?
Not every school is a good fit.
Sorry to hear about your situation. Excellent advice has already been given.
You might need to be a bit more reserved with your parents and Penn peers for now, because continuing a conversation where neither side can agree is difficult, in and of itself. This does not mean to deny your feelings (they are your own, so they are valid), but consider social interactions that are about other topics, and are positive - while working on resolving your situation.
For what it’s worth, many students only found their tribe in school in subsequent years. You have three left (not including summers). You’re already 25% done your time at Penn.
Many people cannot, for various reasons, transfer schools. Don’t know what the future holds for you, but should you not be able to, continue to find ways to thrive in Penn’s environment. You have been clear that you are already doing so. That’s great! Book time for yourself each day to do something personally emotionally satisfying - that is not online.
Other people find themselves in the same position in life (wrong school - or the wrong workplace). You are not alone. They make plans to land in the right place. It takes time.
@songbirdmama mentioned that college is a place to develop a skill set. You don’t necessarily have to know the job you’re going to have in the future, but you do need abilities that can help you navigate a work environment. Some of these are critical thinking, problem-solving, refining a work ethic, and teamwork.
As for the drugs - never a sustainable solution.
Do some volunteering - helping others is a great way to feel better about one’s self.
Continue to find ways that you can get outside of the “echo chamber” that you are in. Whatever emotionally supportive actions you can do (reading, listening to your favorite music, writing in a private journal that cannot be accessed by others, exercise, spending time in nature, working with your hands on a hobby), do it now! Heal thyself.
There are people that live their life in a certain way - in that their school, family or job does not define them. It may be where a large chunk of their time is invested - but it is not who they are at all.
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. Penn will have counselors, free of charge. Sign up to meet with one. I think they will offer the service over the summer. They will do the appointment via Skype or phone. If there are no summer options from Penn, seek out another counselor on your own. You can start with a regular visit to your family doctor. Or maybe confide in a trusted family member. Maybe someone can help your parents understand how unhappy you are. Please be proactive about this. The sooner you can talk with someone, the sooner you will feel better about things.
Therapy works, so don’t give up on it, please. Doing drugs isn’t making you happy. And there are many different antidepressants. Find out if there is another one you can use.
If you can’t get out of Penn, make the most of it by keeping yourself busy. Find your people. They are there. Get involved with volunteering or a campus religious group. Or get a job on campus. Those are all good ways of meeting nonjudgmental people. The vibe there is not be right for you, but I assure you, there are definitely students there who are like you.
Sign up for classes that interest you. And look into transferring to Brown, which isn’t exactly a slouch as far as prestige goes.
You need a way out.
Can you study abroad?
@Lemonaid I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time! For what it’s worth, I went through a very similar experience my first year or two at Duke, which is strikingly similar to Penn in many regards. I wound up choosing Duke over Chicago (my top choice) for purely financial reasons and initially had misgivings. I was set on a PhD and a career in academia, which made me an oddity among my many classmates who were pre-med/pre-law/pre-business.
I eventually switched my major from biology - which was packed to the gills with pre-meds and disinterested faculty - to earth & ocean sciences, where there was a tremendous amount of undergraduate support from the faculty and a genuine love of learning, and I picked up a second major in a tiny department in the humanities. By the spring of my sophomore year, I had more or less found my niche at Duke and was sad to leave it for study abroad my junior year.
I’m sure there are many other students like you at Penn, though they may not be easy to find, as you noted. Though I have no doubt you can find your niche at Penn, I think you should consider submitting some transfer applications. Swarthmore and Haverford would be well worth a look in particular, though they may be a tough sell if your parents weren’t impressed by Pomona. You may want to consider taking some classes at Swat or Haverford/BMC regardless – the Quaker consortium is not the most convenient, but it’s an option if you’d like to get away from Penn now and then.
@warblersrule , excellent idea to take advantage of the consortium. She will at least get a change of scenery. Check it out: https://www.sas.upenn.edu/lps/students/quaker-consortium
Anyone who says Swarthmore isn’t at least as prestigious as Penn truly doesn’t have a clue. I don’t know if OP can convince her parents of that.
OP, please keep us posted. We are thinking of you.
What?!
Unfortunatey you seem to be dealing with some cultural attitudes on the part of your parents. Pomona is extremely prestigious and I have heard it called “the Harvard of the West.” It would offer a more personalized experience but can’t promise it will be different from the competitve pre-professional atmosphere of Penn. Maybe others know.
I love Brown and the flexibility of the curriculum would be helpful to you as would Amherst. Would your parents accept you gong to Brown since it is an Ivy (hard to get into and bit hard to discern chances).
One of my kids went to a HYP school and had the same feelings. Participating in art, music, theater, dance and the like can help you meet like-minded people. Ditto majoring in the humanities. Maybe you could make it work?
Counselors can be helpful, and meds can too. Often there are peer support groups.
I happen to love Philly. Have you explored the city at all? Can you get involved in volunteering or interning? A history organization, teaching kids, something different?
In the course of my kid’s years at an Ivy, I met many parents like yours. Before that I just didn’t realize how rigid some parents (I don’t want to stereotype but backgrounds including Asia and Inda were relevant) are about Ivy League schools. They are not a social class! In the US, many liberal arts colleges have similar prestige to Ivies, including Pomona. Is there anyone who can educate your parents or is it possible for them to understand?
That said, I know many wonderful people who have thrived at Penn so there ARE ways to change your experience.
I loved the advice about learning to relax. My Ivy kid cannot stop working, even while isolated during COVID. I tell my kid to watch something light on Netflix and my kid ends up doing a painting or something. Exercise really helps. Try Tai Chi or yoga.
Good luck!
Op- big hug. You are up against a lot.
I think pining away for a transfer, doing drugs off-campus, etc. are behaviors which prevent you from finding your tribe and your bliss at Penn. Yes- there is a pre-professional culture which can be hard sometimes to avoid. BUT- I know kids at Penn who study classical archaeology and linguistics and anthropology and history and literature, who write poetry and perform baroque music and dance in their spare time, or who volunteer in the Philly public schools working on literacy programs and mentoring first gen kids who hope to go to college.
You need to find these people and the good news is- they are not hard to find!!! Next time you see a flyer for an organizational meeting for something you are interested in- show up! When you see a sign announcing “Poetry slam begins at 8 pm”- get in line, and walk in. When you hear gorgeous music coming out of a performance hall- walk in. Yes, Penn has its grade-grubbers and the kids spending 24 hours a day trying to get into med school, but it has every other kind of kid as well. And you haven’t made an effort to find them (yet) and so you are miserable and lonely and frustrated that they haven’t materialized in your dorm room.
They are there. You can pacify your parents with some vaguely respectable major (econ? there are MANY fascinating humanities type disciplines within econ- behavioral economics which blends math and psychology, or economic history which looks at how monetary systems and policy and philosophy shape a country’s culture and experience, or development economics which focuses on emerging markets/countries and looks at the role of rural women in building a country’s well-being, or looks at public health systems and how that shapes a country etc.) If not econ- then urban planning?
Tell us what you are interested in and we can spit out the “vaguely pre-professional version” of that to keep your parents off your back, while still giving you plenty of opportunities for intellectual engagement.
But you need to take the first few steps.
And if you are willing to do recreational drugs- you need to get yourself to an actual MD ASAP. There are many different ways to treat depression- if in fact that’s the diagnosis, which are going to be a lot of effective and a lot less dangerous than self-medication. You will start to feel a lot better and more in control if you stick with a plan recommended by a mental health professioal.
Hugs.
Well, same with Penn vs. Pomona but there you are.
And no, I don’t believe she can.
The Quaker consortium is a good idea. Also study abroad at a uni that sounds prestigious but really isn’t that challenging (in their English-language courses). Penn must have exchange programs with Japanese unis, right?
Another suggestion is to figure out why you feel what you feel and how to disengage stimulus from response. Start reading the Stoics, Mark Manson, “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl, and on Buddhism.
OP, which courses did you love at Penn?
When you scroll through the course catalog, are there any obscure courses that make you think, wow, that sounds so cool?
McKinsey would still hire you if you got a degree in Russian literature or medieval history or Judaism or urban studies. (I don’t think you should plan to work there, but that’s what you could tell your parents.) There are subjects taught at Penn that you would find fascinating, and whose students would be like you, uninterested in the STEM rat race. Your job is to find them.
OP: Even if your parents were willing to let you transfer to Pomona, you would need to declare a major as a sophomore. If you were to find a major you were excited about, would you be happy? Honestly, I don’t think you should look to a transfer as a silver bullet to your problems. You do sound depressed and antidepressants may be called for. Please schedule a counseling session and an appointment with your doctor.