The cleaner my house is the cleaner my house is

Parent Cafe
41

I am so depressed about the state of my house that just reading a page of this thread is giving me agita. I am neat by nature and it affects my wellbeing when things are not.

I cannot bake something, for example, unless the kitchen is clean. I cannot sit down to pay bills unless the dining room table is spotless. I make the bed when I get out of it. I always put away my clothes in the hampers, hang up stuff, swish the sink after brushing my teeth.

But I live with three slobs and a dog and a cat, and I work full time and commute four hours round trip every day.

I come home to filth and chaos every day. And I loathe it. Nobody but me cares if the dishes aren’t done. Nobody but me puts anything away, closes cabinet doors, takes something out of packaging and puts the trash in the garbage. Nobody but me notices spills on the floor. Nobody but me notices leaves tracked in from outside, towels dumped on the floor, laundry sitting around in piles all week, left in the dryer, left stinking in the washer.

We have cleaners who come once every two weeks. So on the night I come home after they’ve been, the house is awesome. Two days later, it’s like they were never there.

It’s so overwhelming that I have to avert my eyes to maintain my sanity. Today, I have to work. Leaving in half an hour. I spent an hour just walking around the house putting stuff away and in the garbage. That’s all. Nothing else. I beg and I wheedle and I bribe and I nag and about once every few months I freaking lose it and have a full-on meltdown and sob and take to my bed, and then the family snaps to and promises to do better and things are OK for about a week.

The only good thing is that I work so much that nobody ever comes here to visit us. Who knows what my kids’ friends think - luckily they’re still teenagers, so probably they don’t notice much.

I think that was cathartic. Thanks for letting me vent.

42

@Gatormama, I’m really sorry about your situation. That would cause me great distress, too.

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@Gatormama

We are not very neat, but I will say, things are MUCH better with the kids out of the house. There are not 24 pairs of women’s shoes in the mud room. No dishes in the sink ("Mom, I had to let it soak!’). Laundry is not piled sky high because no one will fold.

I hope things will get better for you soon, maybe as soon as you have an empty nest and take over one of their bedrooms for your very own space!

44

@Midwest67 - what is the “To Do” app that you like (if you don’t mind sharing)?

My weakness is papers, magazines, newspapers, flyers, books. My entire adult life has consisted of a struggle with that one area. Other clutter issues can be tackled with some degree of success, ebbing and flowing with different seasons of life. But paper . . . ALWAYS a problem.

45

@SouthFloridaMom9

There are so, so, so many of them at the App Store, that alone can be overwhelming. I downloaded two of them, and I kept this one Do.List: To Do List Organizer

Give yourself time to learn it. Things I like: it’s just Today, Tomorrow, and Later for immediate tasks. It’s VERY easy to move a task from Today to Tomorrow, for example. The app encourages the user to keep the lists short.

I’ll even put things in like “Weed for 30 minutes” or “Clean living room for 15 minutes” . Other tasks are more suitable for writing down on my paper calendar, like due dates for bills or social engagements.

There are also Life Lists, and the only one I use regularly is Grocery List. It works like a perpetual grocery list.

When you’ve purchased something on your list, you can mark it with a green check and the item will go grey but not disappear from your list. Or, if it’s a rarely purchased item, you can just delete it after purchasing.

When it’s time to go to the store, I can scroll through the grocery list and uncheck the items I need to purchase again. Does that make sense? Very easy to use.

There are many other Life Lists, and Daily Lists, but I’m taking it in baby steps.

I have a home office and it is a disaster. Again, baby steps. A large part of the problem is my tendency to want everything out in the open where I can grab it easily or see it easily, vs. filing something away. This just creates layers, which turn into piles, which makes me feel shame, and instead of acting, I ignore. I have to break down a project into small parts or it will never get done.

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@Gatormama

At this point in your life I would give in and have the house cleaner come once a week for your sanity. I can relate and I only had 1 kid in my house. Just do it. Tell H that you work full time and no one else is helping so it’s going to have to be part of the budget. And, get the cleaning crew to do all the sheets and towels so that is less laundry to get done. Alternate the beds that are changed out every 2 weeks so the sheet/towel load is not too big each week.

And, when it is the turn to change sheets in a bedroom, that child has to clean up their room for cleaning day. I remember when I used to run around the house and pick up everything because the maid was coming. I had to clean up for the cleaning!

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@gatormama: Get big baskets, one for each family member. As you or they (ha ha, yeah i know --) are walking around the house, collect their things and plop them in the appropriate basket. At least then the stuff won’t be all over the house.

Maybe it will be a tiny help. I hope so.

48

@Gatormama I’d have the house cleaner come once a week, also. Just do it. And if it’s any of their belongings left strewn around, toss them in the garbage. I’d probably just start doing only my laundry, too.

49

After warning D (Miss Pigpen) several times about leaving her socks around the house (which she denies doing), I threatened to pick up any I found and give them to her for Christmas. Though I warned her more than once, in just a couple months I have collected a big bag of socks, (guessing 25 pairs or so?) including some of her sisters’ and mine, which she started to borrow when she couldn’t find hers. Santa’s bringing her one great big nicely-wrapped box of dirty socks this year. With a beautiful bow on top. I’m serious.

50

@Gatormama - my sister is living the same life. Add in her case that no one but her also seems to care that in addition to being dirty and a mess the integrity of the structure of the house is failing. I think she borders on having a breakdown.
I’m messy but clean. It also helps that I have a cleaning person once a week. I do tend to let my desk pile up and have a huge pile of ironing. My H is neat and everything has a place. My kids are a mix. Oldest as an adult has become very neat and organized. My S who my nature is messy and unorganized has adapted to a fiancé who wants order so he is improving. My youngest is terrible. Messy, unorganized and doesn’t seem to know how to clean.
I grew up with a Mom who worked. The kids all had chores on Saturday morning that needed to get done before we could enjoy our weekend. I was a bad mother who let my kids keep their rooms messy and we had a cleaning person so they never learned how to really clean. My youngest bought a house this past year and I’m dismayed at what a terrible cleaner she is. She said it’s my fault. I recently sent her a big order from Amazon of assorted cleaning products. She didn’t know you had to wash the kitchen floor. She thought sweeping was enough. On out last visit I told her I need to stay at a hotel.

51

Time to play hardball, @Gatormama. I also think you should go to 1x week house cleaning. If you are paying your kids any allowance per week, stop and apply that to housekeeping payments. If the kids use the car or you schlep them somewhere, stop until they chip in and do their share. Their future roommates, spouses, mates will thank you. Put a job chart up on the fridge. Do nothing for them - cook, rides, laundry, anything - unless they are chipping in and sharing household responsibilities. If I were you, I’d even go as far as using Christmas gift money for them on family housekeeping instead. They are all benefitting by the way. They need to realize it all costs $$ and there are compromises and costs to not lifting a finger to aid the household.

Use any extra time you save by not doing their share by focusing on yourself - your own laundry, reading a book, taking a bath, exercise and other self-care. Make dinner for yourself - things you like to eat. You’re not their slave, just their mom who works full time and has a long commute. You deserve better.

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@Gatormama: My husband grew up in the household you describe but no one was the resident neatnik in his family. The first time I went to his house, I can only describe it as squalor, and I visibly flinched. I’ve lived with this (lovely) man for 40 years now, and I’ve come to realize that his heart’s in the right place, but he can’t completely change because he honestly just doesn’t see the mess he’s making. He makes an effort though and does not complain that I am nagging when I (constantly) ask him to please pick this up or wipe that spill or close that door or put that away. I only enable him if I do it myself. I know I can’t change him, only how I respond to him. I’ve had to decide that his attitude counts for a lot, he is not trying to disrepect me, and this is as good as it’s going to get. There are times when I’m screaming inside, and I did shed a lot of frustrated tears early in our marriage. His habits also made it hard to raise our son to be any different, so the compromise I made was to let the kid be messy and unhounded all day, but he was not allowed to go to bed at night until everything was picked up and put away, no exceptions. I thought perhaps the Army might drill this behavior out of him but, alas, even the might of the strongest fighting force on earth has not moved the needle. Some fights just cannot be won.

I really like @VeryHappy’s basket suggestion. DS is out of the house now, but I might get a basket for DH and let him know that anytime he starts a sentence with “Where is my…” or “Have you seen my…” I will simply point to the basket.

@atomom: You’re awesome!

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@doschicos @Gatormama - I think it’s hard to do what doschico suggests if your partner doesn’t support you. My sister has tried with her boys but it’s hard to have your kids follow the rule of washing their dish when their Dad leaves his cereal bowl on the coffee table. My sister feels like @ChoatieMom that her H and kids just don’t see the mess.

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@mom60 Sure it would be nice if husband set a good example but since the kids aren’t contributing monetarily to household maintenance, I wouldn’t let them off the hook regardless of the example being set by their dad. Doing so has resulted in life the way it currently is. My guess is @Gatormama has more means of leverage over her kids than her spouse. Personally, I don’t think resigning one’s self to the chaos is the answer although I know efforts have been made in the past.

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I agree @Gatormama that it’s time to set some new rules in your house. You work extremely hard as it is, and it’s clear that your home isn’t your refuge when someone else treats it like a pigsty.

You could consider getting a house cleaner once a week, but in addition I would sit your family down and say something along these lines:

"I cannot live like this, and you know it. I’m not being unreasonable – you are, by refusing to take responsibility for the mess you make every.single.day.

So from now on I want the living room/dining room/kitchen (or whatever else place you spend a lot of time in) kept clean. If you cannot keep it clean, you cannot be in it. Period, end of story. All I’m asking is that you pick up after yourself. If you have so little self-awareness you do not belong in a “public” space of the house."’

Yea, they will be shocked and it’ll take some time for them to reform. Bad habits always do. But you live in that house, too, @Gatormama, and you’re entitled to make demands since your time and salary are part of what keeps this household going. Time for the rest of the family to step up.

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Guys, thanks so much for the support. =((

@ChoatieMom - you are correct: They honestly do not see the mess, my husband especially. I know that his mother is like him - she is a Depression baby and cannot bear to throw anything out. My husband will keep everything if I let him. Including spoiled food in the fridge. He hates to throw anything away.

I also know that his mother never taught him to clean (she also worked), and so his efforts are not the best. But like your H, he means well. He’ll bake a dozen pies or make sausage from scratch and clean up after himself with one sponge. One. Never rinsing it. Flour-sodden, or raw-meat-laden, wiping the counters with the sponge. My teeth, my jaw, ow, just remembering.

(But I eat SO WELL!!)

Since he does all the cooking (I do some boutique baking, very precious of me, but it’s not daily sustenance), he feels, rightly, that someone else should clean up most of the time. The problem is that I’m not home for dinner, and so since he doesn’t really see the mess he leaves, he’s not invested in following through and making the kids do it …

When each kid turned eight, part of the birthday ritual was a trip to the laundry room. That’s the day I stopped doing their laundry. That’s also the day the laundry became another mess to be cleaned up…it just shifted in its burden to me.

I have tried several of these suggestions before - would love to afford once-weekly house-cleaning, and maybe that’ll come to pass yet. The baskets are everywhere (because I also struggle with paperwork, and time to deal with it - paperwork and floors are my big "I-hate-to-do"s). But I’ll add a few bigger ones.

Thanks again for this thread. I have a renewed sense of purpose as the week begins!

ps - @atomom - I love, love, love the sock suggestion. I am going to do it. I have the huge shopping bag of mismatched socks that I pick up strewn all over the house. I am going to make two intricately wrapped packages, one for each of them, and they’ll get it this Christmas. THANK YOU

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S2 needs to get a box of socks for Hanukkah.

DH also grew up in squalor (even worse than what I grew up in) and he does not see dirt. I have a housecleaner come once a month (he doesn’t know) and he doesn’t even notice that things are cleaned up.

S2 is a slob. I don’t know how his freshman roommate tolerated his mess. I was mortified when I went up to load his gear to come home. He is planning to move overseas relatively soon and I’ve told him that his room will be empty and clean before he leaves. I offered to help him repaint his room when he was in 10th grade, but he had to clean it so we could get to the walls. The jungle animal trim is still on the wall. He’s almost 26.

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I have a regret in raising my twin girls. One has sometimes severe allergies. So one always vacuumed and the other did the bathrooms when chores were assigned. Now, in adulthood, the bathrooms of one are a disgrace, as she never learned how when younger. The other is messy, but at least the bathrooms are done.

Cleanliness or the lack feels like a central life issue, at least in my case. I grew up with piles, chaos, though my mother certainly knew how to clean. I tend toward the same. I spend my energies on usuallly clean floors, bathrooms and counters while the piles grow higher. Some of this is due to allergies, as surfaces need to be dust free and bedding washed to keep my nose from running. Recently I hired cleaning help monthly, so I could spend days off organizing more than cleaning, at least for that week.

In dealing with kids, absenting the parental voice to decrease resentment was helpful. Written lists, chore jars in summer and setting timers for family 15 minute blitz cleaning were all techniques I used, as was the deadline of company coming. My regret is that I did far too much “go clean your room” and not enough step by step with each kiddo in process. They would get bogged down on simple jobs.

Gatormom, I feel for you. I think they need check lists of what is to be done prior to your arrival home at night, as they are not seeing it. A check list would bring each step into focus, and they are not seeing it right now. The point is to enjoy being a family, and the state of the house is getting in the way.

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I do checklists with S2 – he has significant executive function skills, and if I say “clean the kitchen” he has no idea where to begin. I’m with Lakes that I should have taught what to do and what constitutes “task finished” rather than the blanket request. My parents were of the “you’re not going outside til your room is clean” sort of instructions, so I come by it honestly, I suppose. (They got wise and instituted under-the-bed checks, as that was my go-to for hiding junk.)

I will say that DH and I went away this weekend, and I left S2 with a list of chores/errands – trimming a large holly bush, picking up fry cleaning, getting headlight on car replaced, taking folded laundry upstairs, etc. Came home and they were all done – and he had unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher!

I hope FDILs will understand I really tried.

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OP here. I wasn’t kidding about paper being the enemy of clean. There was one thing more that any other that opened the way to a non-cluttered organzid home: Getting rid of almost all paper

That meant NO excuses … bills online…Bank statements on line…investing in an iPad so I could read books magazines and newspapers easily electronically…For the limited paper that came on: all mail, dealt with immediately… boxes bags packaging stuff, recycled immediately…one box for each kid’s papers when they were in school etc…