. People want answers, and they want them to come with hyperlinks to Wikipedia entries compiled by embittered teenagers.</p>
<p>In that spirit, I have put on my Big-Time Internet Theology Hat and decided to answer your questions about this spring’s blockbuster religious phenomenon, “The Da Vinci Code.”</p>
<p>This mega-selling book/film/diet/dam raises more questions than it answers, as someone on television has undoubtedly pointed out. Was Jesus married? Is Christianity some kind of grand hoax? Does Dan Brown realize that “symbology” isn’t a real thing?</p>
<p>These are good questions, and they deserve good answers.</p>
<p>Q: Who is Dan Brown and what is “The Da Vinci Code”?
A: Dan Brown is the biggest-selling, and therefore best, author of our times, and “The Da Vinci Code” is his masterpiece: a thrilling, shocking journey across thousands of years of history all packed within a pulse-pounding chase across scenic Europe, leading up to the greatest conspiracy of all.</p>
<p>Q: What is the greatest conspiracy of all?
A: The 1954 NIT point-shaving scandal.</p>
<p>Q: What does all this have to do with Jesus? Or, for that matter, Leonardo Da Vinci?
A: The premise of the book is that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, and that the two had children, who passed along Jesus’ bloodline through generations of French people. Leonardo was the member of a secret brotherhood of painters who protected this secret by painting pictures of men that look like ladies.</p>
<p>Q: Isn’t this more or less a straight rip from the book “Holy Blood, Holy Grail”?
A: No! Ha ha! How silly of you even to mention that very obscure work! Next question.</p>
<p>Q: Is “The Da Vinci Code” fiction?
A: No. It’s what I call “faction”: Historically true facts interspersed with car chases. In the very first page of his masterpiece, Brown writes, “All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate.”</p>
<p>Q: Well, if it’s in a book, it must be true.
A: Exactly.</p>
<p>Q: Why are Christians so upset about this book, if it’s true?
A: Christians are dedicated to covering up The Truth about Jesus and the society of lady/man painters. What Brown uncovered in his research is the shocking truth of Christianity: Jesus was a regular dude, and a regular dude who wanted Mary Magdalene to be the first pope. Christians don’t want that to come out, because the central tenet of Christianity is oppressing women. That, and getting Republicans into office.</p>
<p>Q: Why isn’t any of this in the Bible?
A: It is - but not the Bible the Man wants you to read! The truth uncovered by Brown is contained in scriptures like The Gospel of Thomas and The Secret Gospel of Oprah, works that depict the truth of Jesus’ humanity and marriage, despite being written several hundred years after the canonical gospels.</p>
<p>Q: How do we know these non-canonical works are more accurate than the canonical ones?
A: Because the people who regarded them as sacred came out on the losing end.</p>
<p>Q: So, the fact that they were ultimately less popular and successful than the canonical gospels means they’re true?
A: As Elaine Pagels explains it, yes.</p>
<p>Q: So, in that case, is the “real” foundational document of the U.S. government actually the Articles of Confederation?
A: Yes! I was just saying that to the President of Congress the other day.</p>
<p>Q: Okay, let’s put the Unpopular Gospels aside for a second. If Brown’s book is based on factual events, what evidence does he have for the marriage between Jesus and Mary Magdalene?
A: Oh, you know…sources.</p>
<p>Q: So, “Holy Blood, Holy Grail”?
A: Yes. “Holy Blood, Holy Grail.” </p>
<p>Q: In fact, didn’t the Gnostics believe the opposite of what Brown imputes to them - that Christ was never even partially human? Didn’t the Gnostics, in fact, regard all created matter as evil, which extended to complete disapproval of sexual reproduction?
A: The point is, the Pope hates women.</p>
<p>Q: That’s another question. Why, in the book, is the Catholic Church the only Christian body in the world? Doesn’t Brown realize there are countless different Christian denominations, often with widely varying views on Jesus? Where, for the love of Pete, are the Orthodox?
A: Look, can you imagine a Lutheran synod or a group of Orthodox bishops commissioning a mad albino monk to hunt down an inquisitive Harvard professor? Do the Lutherans even have monks, let alone mad, albino ones? So there you go.</p>
<p>Q: Well, that kind of brings me to my next point. Why is the main character described as a professor of religious symbology at Harvard? Is there such a thing as “symbology”?
A: Not in a narrow, Western sense, no. But in the sense that there is a Santa Claus who brings toys to all the Christian children of the world, yes.</p>
<p>Q: The book also claims that the Council of Nicea decided for the first time that Jesus was divine. Is that an accurate representation of the council?
A: Yes, except Brown left out a few things. The Council of Nicea also voted to decide that Homer wrote “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey” but not “Strawberry Fields Forever”; that vanilla is the best ice cream flavor; that rap music started to decline in creativity around 1993; and that George Sisler is the best pure hitter in the history of baseball.</p>
<p>Q: The book goes into detail about a group called the Knights Templar. Can you explain what they were?
A: They were the basketball team of Temple University in the 1950s. Philip the French, who was King of Congress at the time, suppressed them because of the NIT point-shaving scandal. In addition to playing basketball, they also guarded the secret of Jesus’ French kids by painting pictures of men who look like ladies.</p>
<p>Q: Okay, explain this whole “painting pictures of men who look like ladies” thing. What does it have to do with Leonardo?
A: In 1099, a reggae group called the Priority of Zion was founded to hush up the truth about Jesus’ French children. It was felt at the time that if word got out that Jesus had lived in France, it would drive up real estate costs beyond what the knights were willing to pay. So the Priority of Lion was formed to keep the secret. Throughout the centuries, every time someone became prominent in Europe - Botticelli, Sir Isaac Newton, Tintin - they would be enrolled into the Prior of Zionism to help keep the secret. </p>
<p>Q: Doesn’t it seem more sensible, if they wanted to keep a secret, not to enroll high profile Europeans?
A: Yes, except that it was hard for many years to avoid famous Europeans. From 1755 to 1914, everyone in Europe was either an author, inventor, or executed king.</p>
<p>Q: So how do the paintings factor in?
A: Leonardo Da Vinci was a member of the Priorities of the Elders of Simon. However, he was terrible at keeping secrets, and felt it necessary to leave little clues in all his paintings about Jesus’ Francophone offspring. For example: the Mona Lisa is smiling because Leonardo was feeling smug about knowing where Jesus lived, all the while Raphael was thinking Jesus lived in Jerusalem.</p>
<p>Q: Why would this secret society enroll someone who would risk discovery by leaving clues to the secret in paintings?
A: There was some unpleasantness, yes.</p>
<p>Q: Speaking of Leonardo, why is the book called “The Da Vinci Code”? Da Vinci isn’t a name, it’s a prepositional phrase. Isn’t that like referring to Jesus as “Of Nazareth”?
A: Say, wouldn’t you like to talk about something else?</p>
<p>Q: Can you cite an unintentionally hilarious passage from the book?
A: “His captivating presence is punctuated by an unusually low, baritone speaking voice, which his female students describe as ‘chocolate for the ears.’”</p>
<p>Q: That’s pretty good. How about another?
A: “One mile away, the hulking albino named Silas limped through the front gate of the luxurious brownstone residence on Rue la Bruyere. The spiked cilice belt that he wore around his thigh cut into his flesh, and yet his soul sang with satisfaction of service to the Lord. Pain is good.”</p>
<p>Q: Ouch. Hit me with another.
A: “The curator looked down and saw the bullet hole in his white linen shirt. It was framed by a small circle of blood a few inches below his breastbone. ‘My stomach.’ Almost cruelly, the bullet had missed his heart.”</p>
<p>Q: More!
A: “Symbologists often remarked that France - a country renowned for machismo, womanizing, and diminutive insecure leaders like Napoleon and Pepin the Short - could not have chosen a more apt national emblem than a thousand-foot phallus.”</p>
<p>Q: Is that all you’ve got?
A: “Almost inconceivably, the gun into which she was now staring was clutched in the pale hand of an enormous albino with long white hair.” </p>
<p>Q: Why does the dialogue in the book which is supposed to be in French include French words alongside the English translation, like, “Pain is good, monsieur” and “Le capitaine is happy you decided to stay overnight”?
A: That is how the French speak. There is no French language per se, just a few words they throw into English sentences to make themselves seem superior to Americans.</p>
<p>Q: Are there any passages in the book that provide stupid metaphors for the Louvre?
A: “Shaped like an enormous horseshoe, the Louvre was the longest building in Europe, stretching farther than three Eiffel Towers laid end to end.”</p>
<p>Q: Wow. Three Eiffel Towers!
A: I know. That’s one big horseshoe.</p>
<p>Q: Is there anything Harvard professor of religious symbology Robert Langdon isn’t good at?
A: “My French stinks, Langdon thought, but my zodiac iconography is pretty good.”